Published on 12, July, 2020
So, the past 5 weeks, have been horrible. I've felt completely worthless and inadequare, and upset to the point of crying constantly, everyday.I don't get constant thoughts of dying, or wanting to. Nor the harming side of things.But I feel lost in this world, I feel like there is something I am completely missing, but nobody seems to know what I'm talking about- They just throw the :"You're doing well, stress is catching up. It'll all pass and you'll feel better. Things will get better."The problem isn't me though since I have every reason to be upset, this world is messed up, I see people putting others' down, instead of showing kindness, and they're stuck in the ignorance that nothing is wrong. I try to say how I feel and what's wrong, but it seems to go on deaf ears, and I seem to be looked at as if I don't make sense. Had enough of trying to fit into a society that doesn't want me, I long the numbness of feelings I experienced for years of being medicated. It's easy to be content in isolation, when you can't feel the crippling sadness and loneliness. But then, I don't know what answer or advise I'm looking for...
It hurts keeping all these thoughts circling in my head, I'm sort of hoping throwing them out here, and seeing people's thoughts, feelings, experiences might help me.
I can totally empathise with your post. It may sound a bit paradoxical but I suffered with bad bouts of depression and anxiety for years, the turning point for me was being diagnosed.
I was either self-medicating or being prescribed medication (and still am) since the age of about 13 or 14. I was 38 when all the answers came. At first I struggled with it but the actual feeling of knowing what was causing the problems I had had was a massive relief. I think that everyone ASD or not struggles with emotions at times. Looking at everything I've seen over the years it's the people that you least expect that can be worse off sometimes. I knew a guy who killed himself and I just couldn't believe it. The guy was always smiling, outgoing and looked healthy. He had a wife and kids. I never spoke to the guy and he wasn't joking about everything. He was never moody, nasty or even distant. I think that was the problem. No-one saw it coming. I don't even think he did. The only thing I can think of is that he didn't show it and was dying inside.
I think your attitude is admirable. You've sat down and thought about how you feel. Most of all you are looking for a solution that doesn't involve any harm to yourself or others. You want to get out of the situation unscathed and make improvements, you aren't resigned to spiralling further.
I'd also say that looking at the rest of the world for answers isn't too healthy in my experience. We can't save everyone. Especially if we aren't feeling well. We can only do things with things we have control over. I wanted to save everyone and that was part of my depression at times. Trying to guess the future, trying to guess what people were thinking, and worrying like mad when something did go wrong.
I think that you are dealing with things well but seeing the world as a place you have no part in isn't a way to go in my opinion. I can imagine that there are lots of places you make a difference but you don't see it. I don't always feel a part of this world myself but I have to accept I live in it. Seeing myself as an "other" was a route I started to go down but I realised that it wasn't for me.
Cloudy Mountains said:We can't save everyone.
I guess this is the thing I want to accept, but it's hard. I hate people suffering, especially since I have- quite a bit. I get this overwhelming sense like empathy whenever i walk past people, I presume they're not happy, and think about how I can help, but end up being at a loss and not knowing what to do, even if they were.It frustrates me a lot, but I guess it's a lesson I'm going to have to learn.I guess I also shouldn't beat myself up for not being able to help people, if they can't even help them self.