Hubby won't compliment me

Yes, I need compliments for my self-esteem. I should just stop worrying about that as it's extra difficulties for him to process. When I compliment him he just smiles. I feel there's a wariness about that, possibly because he feels he should be returning complements.

His hugs, while loving, have always been rather short. Sometimes he even jerks away. Not in disgust or anything. Just a 'this is finished' sort of final movement. A full stop.

I'll have to use words, as you say. I'll keep it simple and let him know exactly what I intend, with love and gentleness. I hope it works. 

I know it's the other way round, but I don't think I have ever told my husband he looks nice, he just looks like him. He would look like the man i love whatever he was wearing,  I would be telling a lie if I said on a random day ' you look nice' 

As far as sex goes i can't help you there sorry.

Well i’m very pleased to hear that you are very much in love....

do you know what triggers the block?

is it compliment enough to know that he loves you? Or, are the compliments just to reinforce your own self esteem? Do you compliment him? If so, how does he respond to that? 

you say that even hugging can be tense.. have you explained that its just a hug, or a cuddle and not the potential alarm bells of “crikey I’m being asked to perform!..panic, anxiety, shut down...arrrrrgh!

Is he panicing about the consequences if he is unable to “perform”.. is he worried he might lose you? He may also have his own anxieties about getting older? 

With ASD it can be difficult to read peoples intentions and desires...and although clear verbal requests can be rather “unsexy” sometimes it helps to say “can you hold me?”

Btw... i’m crap at relationships! Lol

I loved my ex-wife very much... but towards the end of our five-year marriage, I didn't even want to touch her any more.  I didn't know why and it broke my heart - and hers, too.  I couldn't even tell her that I loved her.  Sex was non-existent almost from the word go.  Partly, I think it was because I had a high sex drive and she could neither initiate nor seem to enjoy it very much.  It was all rather mechanical.  So I lost interest in it.

For years after we split, I struggled to understand it all.  I know now that a lot of it was also to do with cohabitation, which I found difficult.  Even sharing my space with someone I loved left me feeling psychologically displaced.  That could well be a symptom of my autism.  I live alone now and wouldn't want it any other way. 

Have you talked about relationship counselling?  We tried it and it didn't really work for us - mainly, I think, because there was too much dysfunction by that time, and we both really - deep down - wanted it to end.  But it does work for many people.

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.  Do you think that your ASC has anything to do with it?  I'm not sure it sounds like it.  Your husband sounds more like I am.  Maybe he's just unable to express himself very well for fear of hurting your feelings.  Maybe he's simply gone off sex.  It's horrible when it happens, for both people.  But it happens.

Hi, I know he's worried about performance and I said we could just have fun getting to know our bodies again. I'm not sure of mine too! He was open to that, but I'm not sure how to initiate it without making him block.

We are deeply in love. That's for sure. And I thank my lucky stars every day for him. Sometimes he smiles at me with so much love it makes my knees go weak. No issues there.

Do I stop worrying about his not complimenting me and just get on with looking nice? It does hurt though.

Hi Alex

have you any idea about how he feels about your relationship? It might be performance anxiety and pure terror that he might get it wrong in regard to the whole relationship and not just in the bedroom?

ellie