"Putting on my best normal" - how to shed the mask and do it anyway...

. said:

Do you even remember or know who your true self is or has ever been?

But think of the risks? Feeling more exposed, vulnerable, being feeling duped - "so you just "played a role" all of these years. What if they don't like the true you? The saying goes "you can bend a twig but not a branch...after so many years is it feasible to re-set self and start again?

And there, lies the rub, did you mask due to self preservation or just due to a fear of rejection and being outcast from society?

So question: Is it possible to drop the mask? Is that too extreme, or is it just better to find small pockets in life to "be" (you know, when everyone has gone to bed and no one is watching)? Why did we learn to mask in the first place?

Do you even remember or know who your true self is or has ever been?

Just about!  I think that without the masks in front of people I feel very empty like nothing.  I am fine by myself but they have been there so long that they are now a part of me?

And there, lies the rub, did you mask due to self preservation or just due to a fear of rejection and being outcast from society?

For all of those reasons plus more; for money, for love, for romance for many other things . . . .

Is it possible to drop the mask? Is that too extreme?

I think as you get older it falls away in bigger chunks.  I can't be bothered to mask quite so much at 43.  I am no longer motivated to.  I don't care much about rejection, being outcast and have got to the point where I don't need to self preserve quite so much.  Also I'm tired.  Also, I'm OK.  I don't need to do it anymore.  I am ok with the consequences of that.

 Or is it just better to find small pockets in life to "be" (you know, when everyone has gone to bed and no one is watching)?

Probably best advised if you really want to take it back to the core   Much easier to do in the comfort zone of your own 'nest'.

Why did we learn to mask in the first place?

Because I sensed I was different and to avoid being outcast or feeling different . . . but it didn't help much because I still felt different.  I just wasn't probably outcast as much as I would have been otherwise?

I think that now I want to stop.  Unless it's absolutely, absolutely necessary.  I think now I want to be me.  When someone raises an eyebrow, I'm going to explain that "this is autistic".  Will that make it easier for those coming after me if I stop hiding?  I hope so.  Why should I keep hiding?  Who says I can't be me?  No I've had enough of hiding.

MInd you some of the roles have been fun! 

Endymion said:

. I don't want people around me generally and I find / have found 'friendships' to be claustrophobic. I

Yes, acquaintances good but any more sends me into a bit of a panic.. performance anxiety kicks in and I’m more than aware of my limitations

Maybe as a child I might have masked with obtaining / sustaining friendships as the goal but I don't think that has been a motivator since then. I don't want people around me generally and I find / have found 'friendships' to be claustrophobic. I like things to be kept on an acquaintance level so that I can come and go as I please. I don't like (to put it mildly) people visiting my house to see me. It makes me anxious, irritated and impatient with the person and I just want them to leave as soon as possible - they're never invited and I can't pretend to be happy to see someone who invades my space by 'just popping by'! It doesn't bother me (as much) when it's friends of my partner or children because I can leave the room at any time and feel no obligation to entertain them. 

I find that I’m constantly flitting between a fight or flight response.... yes, likeyou, even in a ND environment 

If I had a choice, I would have associated with ND people for my whole life, but that's not the way things have gone. At school, at work, in other situations, it's a NT world. As I look back, people that have been my friends, or even nice to me, have had autistic traits, and some of them I would bet quite a lot that they are on the spectrum. Otherwise, all I have to look back on were, to put it bluntly, total jerks, who never looked far enough past the ND surface (whether it had a mask on it or not) to see what was inside. Their loss, but my loss too.

I wonder if I'm now too damaged to be part of a tribe, ND or not. The first minute I sense any hint of unpleasantness in a social situation, even among a group of people on the spectrum, the shield immediately goes back up and I don't want to be there anymore. I bet I'm not the only one who reacts that way. It's a hard-learned response.

Humans are very tribal... are we trying to fit into the NT tribe? What’s wrong with the ND tribe? Or is it just that we are so scarce or hide ourselves that a tribe cannot be easily formed? 

I can identify with that... over compensating all the way!! But we mask with what result in mind? To blend, to shape shift ourselves into being accepted? And by whose rules? 

Thank you DragonCat..

DragonCat16 said:

Also, it means that even if neurotypicals also feel the need to camouflage themselves, we have to work much harder at it in order to achieve the same result, before our innate social difficulties are even taken into consideration.

I find another paper referenced in that one particularly telling: https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40700.pdf

Basically what it says is that, from the very first moment they lay eyes on us, we are destined not to be liked as much by neurotypicals as are other neurotypicals. Who cares how good we are at masking if the other person has already negatively judged us? Also, it means that even if neurotypicals also feel the need to camouflage themselves, we have to work much harder at it in order to achieve the same result, before our innate social difficulties are even taken into consideration.

I masked in order to try to fit in (it's rarely worked). I often find myself suffering because I'm constantly hiding the feeling of overwhelm when I'm around other people, or even just outside my home. It becomes exhausting and I now leave the house probably once a week, no more. I've been told by more than one counsellor that they couldn't work out who the real me was. Even in therapy I couldn't unmask and now I'm not sure if I ever do. I don't know who the real me is or how I would find her. I think society puts such pressures on us to appear normal - and for girls and women this is especially true - that we stand little chance of avoiding having to mask ourselves. I would hope that therapists with experience of treating autistic clients would be able to help with this.

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts and experiences. Maybe some of the things you've learned about masking could help me or others.