"Putting on my best normal" - how to shed the mask and do it anyway...

Can I just say how blown away I am by such honesty in the posts... that whole “keeping it together thing”....I hope you share this with partners and family to make them aware of how much that gliding swan is swimming furiously with its feet below the water line xxxx

I don't think I could ever drop the mask completely. For example I don't have meltdowns in public, because as a grown woman that would look ridiculous and receive a very negative reaction, so I can hold it together though it's hard.

And I say this as someone open about my autism, and giving myself many noticeable accommodations. 

I think I mask to accomplish specific goals but not in relation to friendships, rather to 'be' the person who would succeed in whatever it is I'm doing. For instance, I think every job I've had over the years has had a different mask. I've moved around the country a lot over the years too and I don't think my neighbours from one place would recognise the neighbour described from another place. Even accounting for time changing a person. I know I reinvented myself each time I moved because moving away was usually part of the reinvention. 

I don't feel that all of them were lies though. I'm not sure about that. I think each 'Me' had authentic parts so they weren't total lies anyway. Or maybe they each just allowed me to express myself differently, to try out each type of 'Me' possible perhaps. Hmmmm. 

I DO agree that all of the masks had an element of self-preservation. To me, it wasn't so much about lying to the people around me as trying to convince myself that "This one is the real one." or "This one will work better." I think, looking back. All the while keeping the inner 'Me' safe because if / when the latest failed, it wasn't such a big deal it was just time to move on. (Or run away?) 

I still mask to get certain specific jobs or tasks done but I don't think I'm living a masked role anymore on a daily basis. The past three years have seen me hit a bit of a pit of exhaustion there for a while which I'm just climbing out of now with the help of this diagnosis so I haven't had the energy to keep up a role through all of that. Over the past three years I've also stopped doing nearly all of the 'Social Duties' that I always did so I don't spend much time at all these days in situations where I have a role to perform anymore. Partner, Parent, Neighbour is my self-imposed limit these days unless, like I said, I need to get a specific thing done now and then. It's the closest I've come to living mask-free anyway.    

I distinctly remember that when I left primary school which had been an awful experienced of being excluded because I was odd.  I decided or realised that when I went to secondary school I could reinvent myself because no one would know who I was before.  This was quite liberating.  I hadn't been able to hide at primary school because everyone had known me since I was 4-5 years old.  At that age you've got no concept of 'hiding self' I don't think.  So it's already out there and there is nothing that you can do.

This might sound odd (but I'm going to say it anyway) but it's a bit like dogs or cats (I love animals).  The "group" can tell when one animal is 'different' in some way.  I've seen it over and over again in cats and in dogs.  The group then shuns or attacks the 'odd one'.  There is no language between animals.  It is not social, at least not not in a way that humans might be able to understand.  However there is a sense amongst the animals and one is excluded, sometimes just ignored but sometimes attacked.  I really felt that myself.  The excluded one.  The one everyone could tell was different.  When I've had cats like that, I've rehomed them to 'single cat households'.  They should not be left with the group as it's damaging.

I wonder if that is why we must develop masks?  It's survival is it?  Yet we remain on the edge, only just getting by with a mask but always knowing we are on the edge somewhat . . . We can dip into the group with our mask on for a short while but we can't stay too long because it will soon become evident that we are wearing a mask?

. said:

Do you even remember or know who your true self is or has ever been?

But think of the risks? Feeling more exposed, vulnerable, being feeling duped - "so you just "played a role" all of these years. What if they don't like the true you? The saying goes "you can bend a twig but not a branch...after so many years is it feasible to re-set self and start again?

And there, lies the rub, did you mask due to self preservation or just due to a fear of rejection and being outcast from society?

So question: Is it possible to drop the mask? Is that too extreme, or is it just better to find small pockets in life to "be" (you know, when everyone has gone to bed and no one is watching)? Why did we learn to mask in the first place?

Do you even remember or know who your true self is or has ever been?

Just about!  I think that without the masks in front of people I feel very empty like nothing.  I am fine by myself but they have been there so long that they are now a part of me?

And there, lies the rub, did you mask due to self preservation or just due to a fear of rejection and being outcast from society?

For all of those reasons plus more; for money, for love, for romance for many other things . . . .

Is it possible to drop the mask? Is that too extreme?

I think as you get older it falls away in bigger chunks.  I can't be bothered to mask quite so much at 43.  I am no longer motivated to.  I don't care much about rejection, being outcast and have got to the point where I don't need to self preserve quite so much.  Also I'm tired.  Also, I'm OK.  I don't need to do it anymore.  I am ok with the consequences of that.

 Or is it just better to find small pockets in life to "be" (you know, when everyone has gone to bed and no one is watching)?

Probably best advised if you really want to take it back to the core   Much easier to do in the comfort zone of your own 'nest'.

Why did we learn to mask in the first place?

Because I sensed I was different and to avoid being outcast or feeling different . . . but it didn't help much because I still felt different.  I just wasn't probably outcast as much as I would have been otherwise?

I think that now I want to stop.  Unless it's absolutely, absolutely necessary.  I think now I want to be me.  When someone raises an eyebrow, I'm going to explain that "this is autistic".  Will that make it easier for those coming after me if I stop hiding?  I hope so.  Why should I keep hiding?  Who says I can't be me?  No I've had enough of hiding.

MInd you some of the roles have been fun! 

Endymion said:

. I don't want people around me generally and I find / have found 'friendships' to be claustrophobic. I

Yes, acquaintances good but any more sends me into a bit of a panic.. performance anxiety kicks in and I’m more than aware of my limitations

Maybe as a child I might have masked with obtaining / sustaining friendships as the goal but I don't think that has been a motivator since then. I don't want people around me generally and I find / have found 'friendships' to be claustrophobic. I like things to be kept on an acquaintance level so that I can come and go as I please. I don't like (to put it mildly) people visiting my house to see me. It makes me anxious, irritated and impatient with the person and I just want them to leave as soon as possible - they're never invited and I can't pretend to be happy to see someone who invades my space by 'just popping by'! It doesn't bother me (as much) when it's friends of my partner or children because I can leave the room at any time and feel no obligation to entertain them. 

I find that I’m constantly flitting between a fight or flight response.... yes, likeyou, even in a ND environment 

If I had a choice, I would have associated with ND people for my whole life, but that's not the way things have gone. At school, at work, in other situations, it's a NT world. As I look back, people that have been my friends, or even nice to me, have had autistic traits, and some of them I would bet quite a lot that they are on the spectrum. Otherwise, all I have to look back on were, to put it bluntly, total jerks, who never looked far enough past the ND surface (whether it had a mask on it or not) to see what was inside. Their loss, but my loss too.

I wonder if I'm now too damaged to be part of a tribe, ND or not. The first minute I sense any hint of unpleasantness in a social situation, even among a group of people on the spectrum, the shield immediately goes back up and I don't want to be there anymore. I bet I'm not the only one who reacts that way. It's a hard-learned response.

Humans are very tribal... are we trying to fit into the NT tribe? What’s wrong with the ND tribe? Or is it just that we are so scarce or hide ourselves that a tribe cannot be easily formed? 

I can identify with that... over compensating all the way!! But we mask with what result in mind? To blend, to shape shift ourselves into being accepted? And by whose rules? 

Thank you DragonCat..

DragonCat16 said:

Also, it means that even if neurotypicals also feel the need to camouflage themselves, we have to work much harder at it in order to achieve the same result, before our innate social difficulties are even taken into consideration.

I find another paper referenced in that one particularly telling: https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40700.pdf

Basically what it says is that, from the very first moment they lay eyes on us, we are destined not to be liked as much by neurotypicals as are other neurotypicals. Who cares how good we are at masking if the other person has already negatively judged us? Also, it means that even if neurotypicals also feel the need to camouflage themselves, we have to work much harder at it in order to achieve the same result, before our innate social difficulties are even taken into consideration.

I masked in order to try to fit in (it's rarely worked). I often find myself suffering because I'm constantly hiding the feeling of overwhelm when I'm around other people, or even just outside my home. It becomes exhausting and I now leave the house probably once a week, no more. I've been told by more than one counsellor that they couldn't work out who the real me was. Even in therapy I couldn't unmask and now I'm not sure if I ever do. I don't know who the real me is or how I would find her. I think society puts such pressures on us to appear normal - and for girls and women this is especially true - that we stand little chance of avoiding having to mask ourselves. I would hope that therapists with experience of treating autistic clients would be able to help with this.

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts and experiences. Maybe some of the things you've learned about masking could help me or others.