Hi, just a warning this might be a bit of a long one. I'm 33 years old and married with three children. Since I was a child I have always felt different but couldn't understand why. Now as an adult I am convinced that I am either on the autism spectrum somewhere with perhaps some adhd symptoms. My six year old son was diagnosed with adhd last year and is currently being assessed for Asd. Like I said I've known for years I wasn't quite like everyone else but I managed to "pretend" to a certain point so that I could fit in. But with ankle the stresses of the last few years i.e. Getting son's diagnosis, fighting for his Ehcp at school etc I've not been able to mask as much as before and so I started to limit my contact a bit with certain people.
As a child, especially at primary school age, I was what my parents would describe as difficult. I couldn't always conform at school so my parents were always dragged in to speak to the teacher. I had what some would call weird behaviours and I did some odd things but I think that was due to lack of understanding. I calmed down in secondary school but I hated it. I threw myself into my work and did ok came out with a few b's and c's etc but I hated being around a lot of my classmates and being in such a big and busy school.
As an adult in my twenties I held down a few jobs but struggled to follow direction, was clumsy and i took criticism even the smallest bit really personally. I flitted from job to job but had problems in each position as I found it difficult to interact with people. I found some jobs interesting i.e. When I worked in a hospital I loved working along side the patients but i still needed a lot of direction and felt my work colleagues thought I was stupid. I have been out of work for four years now since my son was 2 and have been a stay at home while my husband works full time.
I'm at a point now where I have anxiety that I battle with every day and if I do have autism or similar condition then my "symptoms" have become worse over the last year and I'm finding it harder to mask them. My main issues are-
) I worry more than most people and overthink things constantly.
) I don't like change, although with three kids binds change all the time. I manage but it's hard.
) My thinking is quite rigid in that things are worth black or white no in the middle grey area.
) I have sensory issues i.e. I hate really bright sunlight to the point I want to keep my living room curtains shut during the day as it hurts my eyes.
) I can give eye contact but sometimes it feels like it hurts. I can give more eye contact with people I'm comfortable with but even then I have a cut off point and then it becomes uncomfortable and my head and my eyes feel dizzy.
) I struggle to concentrate unless it's on something I'm really interested in and it takes a lot of mental effort to concentrate and focus at times.
) I hate loud noises. I can "cope" to a certain point but then I internally lose it and just want to close down.
) I have issues surrounding textures i.e. Clothes in that I hate wearing bras, labels bother me and literally as soon as I get through the door I throw my clothes off and get into my pjs no matter what time of day it is.
) I am an extremely honest and to the point person and can't take it when people aren't straight and outright lie. To the point if I'll actively avoid them.
) I hate people invading my personal space. I love cuddles off my kids etc but when I go shopping which is stress enough, i don't like people standing too close to me. I drive and panic when people drive too close etc.
) I have issues when I comes to food and now overweight as an adult as I literally feel sick at the thought of eating some foods and tend to stick to certain tastes and textures.
) Sleep is an issue in that it takes me a while to get to sleep then I'll wake up a couple of times in the night and then I'm tired all day.
) I am really unorganised. Don't get me wrong I never miss anything important to do with my kids as I write everything on my calendar but I keep having to check it all the time as I forget.
) I feel like i am quite demand avoidant as I put off doing things day today that can be put off until tomorrow. I'll do things that have to be done i.e. Son's paediatrician appointment, hair cuts, etc but other things like shopping I'll leave until the last minute but then I'll stress as I haven't left enough time to do it.
) I twisty hair to the point it gets in a knot and I pull bits out. Husband keeps telling me to stop it as I'll go bald. Tend to only do it if I've had a bad day so I think it's a de stress thing.
) I have never had any problems with communication as a child always been verbal etc but as an adult I find it diffuclt as I can't stand pointless chit chat. I really struggle when taking son to school and collecting him. I don't fit in with some of the the other parents. Some will talk to me and I'll talk back but some days I just can't do it so I'll sit in my car until bang on 3.30 so that I can swiftly collect my son and I don't have to chat to anyone.
) I do get sensory overload and can lose it. Say if we went for a family day out somewhere say a theme park I'd enjoy it up to a certain point but then I'd want to go. I'd get in the car and I'd just get this overwhelming feeling that I couldn't recognise. I'd feel angry for no apparent reason and want to shout but i wouldn't as the kids were in the car so I'd just close down and say nothing all the way home.
These are just some of the things I'm struggling. There is more but i'd be here all day. I might be wrong and not be on the spectrum but I have never felt right. The last two years have been so difficult for our fmsilf and I have felt depressed but I no it's not just depression I have struggled since being a child. I went to the doctors a year ago as I wanted to just not feel down every day and all she gave me was sleeping tablets which I tried for a week but they left me feeling comatosed not being bale to wake properly of a morning so I came off them as I can't have these when I've got children. I really don't know what to do.
My husband is amazing and is great support but my relationship with my parents feels like it's fake. Don't get me wrong I love them and they love me and my children but they know that as a family we have struggled the last few years mostly surrounding our son's behaviour and getting his diagnosis but they have given us no support. They come to see us all the time but i feel like we are just a box tonne ticked off their list as they don't offer any support. Me and my sister don't have a great relationship and again it's all fake and like a front we put on for the sake of our kids as they're all close as cousins. Thankfully I have a few friends that are just like family to me and o can be myself with them and they are supportive. I just need some advice now on what to do if anything? Day to day my kids are my life. Their needs are always met, they know they are loved etc but home life is still stressful at times but I try my best to keep everything together.
