An Introduction to my life and looking forward

Short background from my life: I was diagnosed probably around age 5-6 in the 90s, had distrust with most of family through child and teen years due to my behaviour (anti-social, ignorant, hidden away in my bedroom) and still attribute some of those traits today, and this ties in to how i've received support today also. Fast forward to college and I was working wonders achieving high grades i never thought i'd achieve in my dreams, only it fed my ego because the feelings of envy towards my siblings persisted through life. The envy that they were always going to be better than me, and so far it has proven true, siblings that are 10-18 years younger have surpassed my education, employability and quality of life - somewhat helped by the influx of emerging high-tech in schools.

I follow the simple stereotype that i'm an aspie (short for aspergers), and am interested in computing or more specifically the software itself.

Relatives close to me assure me that I shouldn't worry about people who are more fortunate than I am and I should follow my own path. But when i'm forced to go out to social gatherings like eating out, there will always be situations where they ask "what are you up to nowadays?" or find out that I have been unsuccessful in employment in the long term asking "what are you going to do with your life?" and have always let them down by saying that I haven't been able to hold on to a job for more than a day or two, at which point the usual reaction is a *sigh* or "you have to try harder" or "there are loads of jobs out there, just take one and hope for the best". And only one relative has suggested to contact an agency such as the NAS, but to say what?

..... something like: "Hi, i have a pre-existing diagnosis of ASD from 20 years ago, i'd like to say it has gotten easier but lack of support in employment has led me to a dead-end in looking for a job, feelings of depression and anxiety have only presented themselves when frustration piles on due to repeated rejections from employers. I feel like I have the knowledge but lack the capacity to function in an interview, no matter how much practice I get in. If I could somehow get past that barrier of anxiety and executive function, the next challenge would be to not get fired. And there is also the case of my personality and enthusiasm which in experience can't be taught and is something I have struggled with all my life."

I've been slapped with an indefinite sanction because I failed to apply to certain jobs that demand roles well outside my ability to perform like communication, interpersonal skills and have always been scrutinized by the job coach by having been given unrealistic goals in my 'claimant commitment'. Gone are the days of kind, caring and empathetic job coaches sympathetic to your disability, I used to have a disability employment advisor until they cut funding to them once the Universal Credit had rolled out. Sent to a program that disregards disability and focuses on ability, suffice to say the 2 years wasted there produced nothing but a pointless course in employability and endless scrutiny whilst I was forced to search for any job regardless of whether or not i'm capable of performing in such roles. Numerous sanctions followed usually because they might have suspected from my behaviour I might have a mental illness, at which case would blackmail me into doing what they wanted or else would stop my money. Unable to appeal such decisions because they were down to my co-operation with their program which I had signed all their paperwork for. Both ways seemed to spell doom for me: 1. sign their paperwork and serve 2 years under their slave regime, 2. don't sign and get a hefty sanction from the jobcentre and endless misery.