Attachment to children by ASD parents not based on unconditional "love"

This is a really hard question to ask. Sorry for the length but I think the background may be important to my current predicament.

For reasons given below I have lost all feelings of attachment to my boys who are 9 (with ASD) and 6. 

Is this normal? Is it an ASD thing? i.e. do ASD fathers have a different bond to their children? Not based on "love" but duty and responsibility?

I have ASD and my son, 9, has ASD. I was diagnosed feb 2017 and my son in Sept 16 so quite recent.

Because of my son's recent problems I haven't really dealt with my ASD, other then reading several books and starting to see why I am the way I am. I started to see a counsellor but it ended up focusing on my son's issues as he had experience of ASD in education.

I have always got my son's ASD "problems" and maybe my ASD helps there and explains why. 

My wife just doesn't get ASD and there is a lot of difference on how we parent. I agree to her way on many things but not on some things that I feel are important i.e. how to deal with meltdowns, 1:1 support for ASD son at all times, trying to get my ASD son to try as many things as possible etc..

To cut a long story short I gave myself a major nervous breakdown over xmas 17 after spending 7 months challenging his school over repeated exclusions, getting school to completely change their approach as they didn't get ASD needs of my son, getting my son an EHCP with full 1:1 TA care, getting him through a major depression episode over the summer as he was on a very reduced timetable and missed his friends, school etc.

I knew I was heading for a breakdown from September onwards but I wanted to get certain things finished that my wife said she couldn't do and get my son's schooling sorted i.e. EHCP, DLA renewal. Changed meds helped me to end of year but they just masked the problem not solved it.

I just collapsed in bed at start of xmas holiday as I was exhausted and had finished i.e. submitted DLA renewal.

I wasn't "invited" to any xmas events but was just left to stew in bed until I got up late in the day.

I slept a lot as i was just exhausted and had a lot of personal signs that I had very high stress levels still. i.e. tingling in limbs. bad headaches etc. I have been like this before but last time was back in 2002, before I met my wife so she had never seen me like this.

I literally exploded one day at start of this year

I can't recall exactly what happened but it started with my wife calling me lazy and abusing me for not joining in the family xmas properly and spoiling it.

I believe I was very "shouty" with various unpleasant accusations about my wife after I exploded but I didn't hit or damage anything or anyone and calmed down after a few hours. My wife gave back as good as I gave her, I recall, including hitting me which she is prone to do to me and the boys.

My wife has taken the boys, been given emergency housing, and is not coping but insists I have no access or any contact what so ever.

She says I am awful, dangerous and should never be near her kids. They have always been her kids not our kids despite me being stay at home parent.

I have never harmed the kids in anyway apart from this one shouting incident over xmas.

The only other incident was when I stamped on one of the boys toys early last year when my son was being very difficult. I never did understand why I did that. That is it in 8 years of care!

My solicitor is saying I should fight for the boys. Take it to court etc.

I don't want to get back with my wife and I am not even sure I even want access or custody of the boys at the moment (6 weeks after my wife left).

I am struggling as I now feel no attachment to my sons what so ever and want to just walk away.

I suppose I never have felt attached to them. I looked after them as they were my sons and it seemed the right thing to do. When they had problems I fought for their rights but I would do that for other people as well.

Is this part of ASD? Do I not "love" my children as a normal person would?

I am just finding my current feelings hard. Nothing has ever challenged my relationship with my kids this way.

Social services are now focusing on me. Claiming I am unstable and that I have caused all the boys problems but it is my wife that keeps "running away" and who refuses to adopt approaches that are ASD friendly leading to confusion for the boys. I have had a breakdown and one bad "shouty day" does that make me an awful father?

Deep down I feel I should fight as I get my son's ASD.

When I am well we have a real bond and it seems to help him a lot.

Obviously I expect both boys will have struggled with how I became unwell over xmas but it is explainable as a sort of adult autistic meltdown I guess.

Not quite sure how to explain the mental breakdown part to my boys.

 

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Parents
  • Sorry to hear about the breakdown.

    Is this part of ASD? Do I not "love" my children as a normal person would?

    Have you investigated 'alexithymia'? It means not knowing what you're feeling (or something like that). I've been writing a bit about this on this forum lately.

    About 10% of all adults are alexithymic, but it's about 50% for autistic people. An autistic and alexithymic father may be unable to say whether he loves his own children. The way to tell may be to look at actions.

Reply
  • Sorry to hear about the breakdown.

    Is this part of ASD? Do I not "love" my children as a normal person would?

    Have you investigated 'alexithymia'? It means not knowing what you're feeling (or something like that). I've been writing a bit about this on this forum lately.

    About 10% of all adults are alexithymic, but it's about 50% for autistic people. An autistic and alexithymic father may be unable to say whether he loves his own children. The way to tell may be to look at actions.

Children
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