Are there any women here?

30 year old woman here :-) 

Hi, you.. thank you for being here, and being you 

Hi, you.. thank you for being here, and being you 

Mind reader!

I am growing my first real beard, started growing it properly  just before Xmas,

I had a small beard when younger when I was a hippy then later a biker,also had long hair back then,hated hair dressers,

my beard is very distinctive and a full face non pretentious type,yet to be given any kind of shape,

I feel so comfortable dressed this way, 

I feel like it is me, not a costume this time, I am not looking to please anyone but myself. I don’t care if anyone likes it or not.

I am struggling to dress it down,the shops are full of similar style clothes right now, but it is the detail that makes it work. Mismatched,durable,practical ,honest,even worn or scruffy.working class honesty.

I love Victorian era clothes but the closest I get to wearing them is perhaps 'Joe Browns' stuff.

I think being male would be pretty excellent for 'masking' because of the facial hair possibilities! Although I'd need a pretty fast growth to keep up with all of my changes, like the possibility of growing a beard in a week! It would also be pretty useful to hide behind, like a real mask, and cover up things like blushing - practical and protective! 

I am a Male but omg you echo my mind to,

so much my way for so long, as a young child I would dress to try to fit in, it never worked as I could only have second hand clothes handed down to me.

As an adult I often say I am like a tv character called Mr Ben, he visited a costume shop and changed into costumes and went on adventures each time.

since finding out my self diagnosed self I have chosen my new me,real me is to wear Victorian clothing! Victorian worker in his Sunday best, not rich squire or pretentious young goatee bearded reality show contender.Lol.

”Endymion said”

“I've read about exactly what you describe as being very common among females with HFA! I sort of do it too in that I'm not aware of copying any particular person but I do 'put on costumes' (if that makes any sense?) and 'dress for the part / role' I need to play that day:

I feel / become (?) more articulate when i dress 'up' and feel / become more adept at successfully handling appointments such as with professionals or an an interview situation. For instance, I've never been turned down for a role after an interview but I've refused some roles based on how exhausting I found that interview (am I making any sense here?).

I too wondered about multiple personality disorder but dismissed it as apparently those so afflicted are not aware of all of their different personalities and / or cannot always choose when they appear. For me, it's a very deliberate coping mechanism and I prepare for it in advance by choosing 'confident + capable' clothes the night before (or whatever role it is I'm preparing for). It's hard to explain but it really is like putting on costumes for a part in a play.

Since my diagnosis I have wondered where these roles end and I begin (do 'I' even exist in here?) but something someone on here said actually made me relax about the whole thing, it was about the fact that the real 'us' is the one holding the mask in place all along and about being able to be ourselves in private (or with those we are most close to). For instance, I don't have a 'partner' role in private or an 'owners' role with the dog - those are just me.”

I love that line :) "You just sung my life with your song!!" That's an excellent description :) It fits with my experiences of reading so many of the posts I've read in the last month or so on here. 

What you describe about the make-up, hair, nails etc. sounds EXACTLY like me up until about, maybe, five years ago or so. It was EXHAUSTING to keep up.

Then, having moved to a rural farming community (I originally came from the city.) I noticed that a lot (most if not all) of the women in this part of the world around my age (late 30's onwards) didn't wear make-up or do any of that at all!

It was a bit of a revelation to me that my age could legitimately 'free' me from some of these time-consuming preparations and I gradually weaned myself off them. It took YEARS!! I still wont go into town or to a casual community event without doing my hair (I feel that's a vital part of my 'costumes') but I actually don't wear make-up at all now and I think it's helped me to feel more 'real' somehow. 

As well as doing my hair, and having a wardrobe of 'costumes', I also still need to have my nails done. I don't think I could, or would want to, let go of these things. 

It's strange actually talking about this. If I could show you inside my wardrobe you would have no idea "Who lives in a house like this?", because it looks as if half a dozen different personalities share the same wardrobe! The Professional, The Mum, The Wellie-booted villager, The Bohemian Artist, ... all with their personalities, mannerisms, accessories, ... so weird.

There are some 'personalities' I've outgrown over the years too but, as I've gotten older, I've found twisted fun in pulling them out of the bag when I'm dressed in a different role - it really messes with people's heads and i think it's a good lesson not to judge a book by it's cover! Especially when dealing with teenage children and their friends! I see it as one big benefit of having a few identities to choose from.    

Oh my goodness!! You just sung my life with your song!! I too dress up to go with my roles!!  I do not like leaving the house unless I'm in full costume to fully play the role I need to outside!!  This costume is not quite theatrical and actually makes me appear less intelligent than I actually am.

I have hair done, manicures, fake tans, pedicures etc etc

I put it all on and I go into 'mode' and I feel very uncomfortable and don't want to go out if it's not all in place.

The days I love most are when I don't have to go out.  I've been diagnosed with agoraphobia but it's a dishonest diagnosis because I don't have it.  A private therapist sussed it years ago.

I just get overstimulated in a sensory way and I don't like dealing with people.

I let the label slide because it's helpful so that others can understand and well frankly just leave me alone but it's only recently that I realised it's dishonest and inaccurate.

I too, don't have the roles for 'at home' then I am me.  It's been very cathartic discussing this and having another human being identify with it because I have never had that my whole life.  This has compounded my feeling of 'oddness' and made me feel more 'alone' and 'different'.

It started when I was 15, well at least that is when the anxiety started.  

I know when I'm in the role, because I speak differently, body language is different etc, I know it's fraudulent and not me.

Thank you so much for sharing this, it really has now convinced me beyond any remaining doubt that I have Autism.

I've read about exactly what you describe as being very common among females with HFA! I sort of do it too in that I'm not aware of copying any particular person but I do 'put on costumes' (if that makes any sense?) and 'dress for the part / role' I need to play that day:

I feel / become (?) more articulate when i dress 'up' and feel / become more adept at successfully handling appointments such as with professionals or an an interview situation. For instance, I've never been turned down for a role after an interview but I've refused some roles based on how exhausting I found that interview (am I making any sense here?).

I too wondered about multiple personality disorder but dismissed it as apparently those so afflicted are not aware of all of their different personalities and / or cannot always choose when they appear. For me, it's a very deliberate coping mechanism and I prepare for it in advance by choosing 'confident + capable' clothes the night before (or whatever role it is I'm preparing for). It's hard to explain but it really is like putting on costumes for a part in a play. 

Since my diagnosis I have wondered where these roles end and I begin (do 'I' even exist in here?) but something someone on here said actually made me relax about the whole thing, it was about the fact that the real 'us' is the one holding the mask in place all along and about being able to be ourselves in private (or with those we are most close to). For instance, I don't have a 'partner' role in private or an 'owners' role with the dog - those are just me.   

Right well, I also read this and I thought back over the years and a little secret I'd kept which I knew was weird!! I have certain 'roles'.  I've never articulated it because my fear was that if I did someone would misunderstand and think I was talking about multiple personality disorder or something !! and it's not that !!

What I have done is copied women who I thought were quite successful or admired socially and what I do is bring out those 'roles' in the appropriate social situation.  Though I cannot keep them up for long!  It is like acting!  Not like actually thinking you are someone else!  I know I'm acting and 'in role'.

I'd just never quite been able to articulate it until I heard about masking and that is when the penny dropped.

At my ADHD diagnosis the doctor was looking for ASD signs because I'd scored highly.  However, I was 'in role' at that appointment as I always am with professionals. Faking it so as not to be spotted.

It didn't serve me very well in that situation because he said 'reasonable eye contact' (was staring at the bridge of his nose) and he said "didn't get a feel of ASD" (that's because I'm good at it lol) but only for a short time.  More than an hour and I couldn't keep it up!

Definitely, groups of women (thinking back upon the horrors of the Parent - Toddler group!!!) make me feel like an alien. I CANNOT have discussions about hair, skin treatments, dieting, keeping hubby happy - they bore me catatonic. Men, on the other hand, discuss things in more concrete terms and, I think, tend to be more literal than emotional which suits me fine! They also, in my experience, don't expect to meet up randomly to repeat the conversations over coffee or a glass of wine, Phew! 

From some research I've found, women with Asperger's do seem to exhibit different characteristics than men in that women tend to be better at 'masking' or 'passing' in social situations and therefor often remain un-diagnosed longer. Women more often show fewer physical 'tics' (apparently) and, possibly due to the hard work involved in 'masking', women tend to suffer more from the sort of exhaustion that is often mis-diagnosed as ME.        

I'm only interested in ASD women simply because everything seems to be written diagnostically about men and so it interests me more to see how it shakes down in those women rather than 'because' they are women and that is what is interesting if that makes any sense lol.  I'm the same I don't care about gender but I do care about how this thing manifests differently in women and why it is is missed in so many . . . I actually usually get on better with men, except for women who think like me as well.  I actually don't really like groups of regular women very much at all and have always stayed away from being involved if I can help it!

I've never actually thought of asking any of the people I've 'met' on here if they are male or female. It just occurs to me now and seems like such a fundamental thing that I don't know why I hadn't thought of it!

Actually, now that i AM considering it, I don't think I've asked anything about the people themselves (sex, age, children or not, occupation ... ) although I'm sure these things have come up incidentally during chats. A sign, perhaps, of being enormously incurious about people on a personal level as opposed to what they think about things.

I remember what people share about their thoughts / feelings / opinions / views / knowledge about subjects but can never remember personal information (such as the names of their spouses / children). I think this is the main reason why I don't accumulate friends, people appear to be insulted when I forget these nod's to social convention whereas I'm constantly amazed when people remember things about me from meeting even just once!! (What is this wizardry?! An NT superpower perhaps?) 

Anyway, I am a woman (aged 44) and know next to nothing about computing. More of a science and literature geek.