I am on a steep learning curve. I think one of the reasons I have remained undiagnosed is that I tend not to get (what I think of as) meltdowns and shutdowns.
Can any of you identify with what follows, or is this just my own deficient behaviour?
If things have gotten really bad, I guess my natural reaction is to isolate myself so that I can think. Perhaps this qualifies as a kind of a shutdown, because I don't really want other folk around me or talking to me when this happens, but I am not really "zoning out", because I'm definitely aware of people near me who might be making a nuisance of themselves at that moment.
What I do experience relatively frequently is what I might term an "outburst", most often when I'm at home and just being myself. Maybe this is some sort of mini-meltdown...?
Something seemingly quite innocuous will go wrong, such as managing to trip over an object which I knew full well was in my way. In a flash, usually quicker than I can sense so that I can hold it back, there's a flash of sudden anger and frustration. Sometimes I might also throw down an object I'm holding (such as some paperwork, not a piece of china!), accompanied by a short bit of cursing, such as "Oh for F's sake!".
I'm angry at myself for getting it wrong when I was (usually) aware of the hazard in advance. For a split second I'm often equally angry at the perceived perpetrator (such as the person who left the object in the way). The whole thing lasts up to about 3 seconds... and then it's gone just as suddenly, and I feel fine, objective, and can see it as the trivial matter it really is. Because the feelings have vanished as quickly as they arrived, I don't harbour any lasting negative thinking towards a perceived perpetrator.
Clearly, this sort of thing comes across to others as childish and spoilt behaviour. My long-suffering wife takes these episodes particularly badly, and seems to believe that there is lasting ill-will on my side.
Oddly enough, I typically didn't get this sort of thing at work, but perhaps that's just because I was already wearing a really big mask and was not being myself. I did still get the frustration, but somehow I could absorb and "squash back down" the feelings, perhaps requiring a deep breath and a moment's pause whilst I collect myself. In those instances, although the flash of anger was controlled, I could sense that there was still that "inner pressure" that hadn't been released. Something like a lunchtime run would get rid of frustrations and stress, and make me more relaxed in the afternoon, but then that coping mechanism was increasingly taken away because the workload didn't allow me to disappear at lunchtime (sometimes I had to chair a meeting, because it was the only time in the week that other attendees could make it...)
Sorry if this is rambling a bit, but I don't think I've tried putting this sort of thing into words before.
Can any of you identify with the above, or am I just incurably childish and spoilt?
If any of you recognise this, what do you do to help manage it and keep yourself in check?
