Okay, so just a little thought experiment to get you clever and creative folks discussing...
Morpheus sits you down and places a small green pill in front of you saying how it will instantly and painlessly 'cure' you of your autism, giving you the neurotypicality you would've had from birth, had things been different.
Do you take the pill?
Hi Evan, you most certainly are not a traitor and any way you feel is valid, many of us have spent a life time of being told we were wrong, so there are no wrong feelings here.
I am too still coming to terms with the diagnosis (I got my diagnosis at the end of October last year, and it was not on the radar prior to my realisation in May 2016). If you look back over the last thread (kindly posted by DC), I said then that I would consider a cure when I’m having a bad day or something.
However, my answer has changed since then. The way I see it now, is that the only time I have a problem with me or my autism, is when I compare myself to nt’s and want to somehow achieve what I perceive them to be achieving, when in actual fact, I almost despise their way of life and the way they think so why on earth would I continue on this self defeating trail of comparing myself against them. It’s like comparing apples and lemons. I realised that I’ve been fencing myself in through my ideas of what their lives are like and the insane idea that I need to somehow be like them.
By coming on here and learning more about myself and autism and by mixing with other autistic people at my weekly group, I am slowly gaining confidence to be myself and live my life my way on my terms. This is a process as I’ve spent most of my life trying to be somebody I didn’t even want to be so I’m allowing myself time to find out who I am. I guess you could say, I’m dating me, getting to know me and integrating some fun into my life. For example, I’m organising a trip out ice skating for those of us who want to go from my group. I’m learning to live my life as me and I have zero tolerance for anything less. I don’t know what my life is going to look like, how could I, this is just the start of my magical journey but I’m starting to listen within and begin to create my life on my terms.
I have not denied my feelings of anger at my diagnosis not getting picked up sooner and all that that entails. I allowed myself to feel those feelings, unconditionally and to sink into them and simply allow them to be, without judgement. By allowing them to be, they passed through me in their own time and in their own way. What we resist, persists. When we let things be, they pass by. Allowing the feelings to be, without judgement, I found that I seemed to process them as well. Not necessarily cognitively, although sometimes I did, but other times I just had a sense of knowing that that anger or whatever has been processed, I’m no longer holding on to it and it’s left me. Often times those feelings of hurt and anger are simply moments of hurt and anger we experienced as children, playing themselves out over and over again. Sometimes we have no idea what they’re about but if we allow them to be, they will pass through us and out of us.
Give yourself time, you can’t rush it.
Blueray: you are wise my friend. I shall keep the pill in my pocket for now, but not swallow it just yet...
And just know, that when the time comes to let go of the pill, it too will be a process. You won’t want to let it go. The ego plays tricks on us. We start to believe that we need to keep the pill, we make rationalisations to keep the pill, and at some point, we come face to face with the question, do I take the pill or don’t I. There are no right or wrong answers, no one way is any better than the other. Whether you take the pill or not, that unchanging life force of who you are, beyond autism or even beyond mankind (because afterall, who made that word up anyways because most of them aren’t kind), remains the same, unchanged, for ever and eternity, whatever that means.
NO my autism is part of who i am and i would be a completely different person without it. also if you think about it if there were more people with autism than none since the start then neuro typical would be consider autistic and we would be normal. hmmmmm interesting right?