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20 year old daughter

TraceyG

 I do not know where to start!  We are feeling very stuck as a family. My D has always struggled and we have done lots of research and gone through CAMHS twice and she was eventually diagnosed with ASD aged 16 and ADHD aged 17. Life has been tough and her emotional regulation a challenge alongside her anxiety, eating issues and OCD. She is kind, beautiful and caring but she also has become more challenging as she has become an adult. She still lives at home. She has had a few jobs which she always finds something wrong with and can not stay in long. She does not see where she is wrong, constantly lies, will not take any responsibilty for her words or actions. She can not manage money properly. All we get is I am an adult, and it is my money and I can spend it on what I want!!!

We are only trying to encourage her to stay in work and save a part of her money. We do not care after this what she spends although she constantly has packages delivered and last week I found 2 black bags of clothes with labels on that she was just going to chuck out. Expensive clothes!!  We have tried every way you can imagine to discuss this with her and she just does not see it.  She has had a couple of boyfriends for a couple of weeks and has spent £1000 plus on them in that short time.

She will not help around the house no matter what we say or do and she can not even tidy her room. We have tried to help. offered to help, been firm, been relaxed, left it etc and nothing works.

She is so confrontational and disrespectful and I am lost at what to do anymore to help her. I just want her to be happy but nothing seems to do that.

The GP is no help and I just can not live like this anymore. My 2 boys suffer as she dictates the mood of the house everyday. I am a very positive person and works with SEMH students so I am well aware of the different approaches etc. What is the solutions?  If I say she needs to leave and find her own place so she can see how bills work, she does not have to listen to us etc she says I am chucking her out and making me feel like a bad mum. Boundaries are important but as an adult we have no say or control as far as she is concerned.

Any advice please x

Parents

  • Hello TraceyG.

    As you've unpacked here, what are you to do? The answer seems to be very unclear - and that is before unhelpful GP responses. It is very clear that your daughter displays immense kindness and care towards other people, but, as you have pointed out, that is not without behaviours that cause difficulty within the household... you all sound as though you deserve the best care and support, it is trying to find a way to approach this.

    While I am sure that our community will have wonderful feedback to provide, I would like to in the meantime, refer you to our NAS approved resources:

    We have a section of our website dedicated to supporting autistic Adults: Autistic adults 

    This guide details employment in relation to autistic individuals: Employment

    Our Service Directory lists a variety of resources located around the UK: Autism Services Directory

    You deserve the support you can get, our parent to parent support line may be able to offer this: Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline

    our ASH system may be able to guide you towards parts of our website this post may have not touched upon: Ask ASH (Autism Support Helper)

    With all said, I wish you the best going forwards, this is far from a simple solution.

    Take care - Zac Mod.

Reply

  • Hello TraceyG.

    As you've unpacked here, what are you to do? The answer seems to be very unclear - and that is before unhelpful GP responses. It is very clear that your daughter displays immense kindness and care towards other people, but, as you have pointed out, that is not without behaviours that cause difficulty within the household... you all sound as though you deserve the best care and support, it is trying to find a way to approach this.

    While I am sure that our community will have wonderful feedback to provide, I would like to in the meantime, refer you to our NAS approved resources:

    We have a section of our website dedicated to supporting autistic Adults: Autistic adults 

    This guide details employment in relation to autistic individuals: Employment

    Our Service Directory lists a variety of resources located around the UK: Autism Services Directory

    You deserve the support you can get, our parent to parent support line may be able to offer this: Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline

    our ASH system may be able to guide you towards parts of our website this post may have not touched upon: Ask ASH (Autism Support Helper)

    With all said, I wish you the best going forwards, this is far from a simple solution.

    Take care - Zac Mod.

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