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Relationship problems

NAS66923

Hello,

Me and my husband aren’t getting along. I’m so emotionally drained because I feel like he is being the unreasonable one! 
I was diagnosed with autism at 43 (2years ago) and I am awaiting for assessment for ADHD (app next week). 
I do not work because of my mental health (anxiety and depression) and I do struggle daily with minor tasks. 

My husband has known about my issues for a while and he was the one who encouraged me to get assessed for autism but he is now saying that I have got worse since my diagnosis and that I’m making excuses for my behaviour. 

I do not agree at all. I believe that he thought that as soon as I got a diagnosis, then I would be ok if that makes sense? I try to get him to watch online educational videos with people with ADHD to explain why I think I have this condition too as I was made aware in my autism assessment that I had many of the traits of ADHD. 

If I get a diagnosis of adhd next week, I will definitely be asking to take the medication as I feel like this would definitely help me cope better with my issues but until then I just feel like every day is the same. My head is scrambled and now I feel like I have no support from my husband. 

He has flat right refused to educate himself and he uses the sort of language that I find offensive (everyone is a bit autistic or a bit adhd). Does anyone else have these difficulties or is it me that’s the problem? 

I am very emotional at the moment and really not sure if I should even send this post. 

Thanks

Parents

  • I am sorry to hear of your difficulties.

    Nobody here will have the ability to judge who is at fault in your relationship, and it is quite possible that nobody is.  Things just evolve over time.  Perhaps you feel your ASD diagnosis helped, while your husband has another perspective - it doesn't mean either of you are wrong.

    When people start taking adversarial positions, quite often everything they say becomes a problem.  When all is fine, you cut the other person slack, but when there are issues, everything gets added to it - and used as examples of the issues.  

    I am not excusing him, I don't know him, he cannot speak here.  But you say he needs to be educated, his language is wrong and offensive and that despite being initially supportive, he is now essentially blaming the diagnosis for a change in behaviour. 

    Getting a validation does change people.  There can be no doubt.   How did you feel when you were given that diagnosis?   Some people say it empowers them.  Perhaps he has sensed a change?  It is possible.  Do you think he fears more change if you were to get an ADHD diagnosis on top?  

    These are just some thoughts, and not solutions.  I do suggest you try speaking to him calmly and even explore the possibility of getting some couples therapy/relationship counselling.   I wish you both good luck, and with your ADHD assessment. 

Reply

  • I am sorry to hear of your difficulties.

    Nobody here will have the ability to judge who is at fault in your relationship, and it is quite possible that nobody is.  Things just evolve over time.  Perhaps you feel your ASD diagnosis helped, while your husband has another perspective - it doesn't mean either of you are wrong.

    When people start taking adversarial positions, quite often everything they say becomes a problem.  When all is fine, you cut the other person slack, but when there are issues, everything gets added to it - and used as examples of the issues.  

    I am not excusing him, I don't know him, he cannot speak here.  But you say he needs to be educated, his language is wrong and offensive and that despite being initially supportive, he is now essentially blaming the diagnosis for a change in behaviour. 

    Getting a validation does change people.  There can be no doubt.   How did you feel when you were given that diagnosis?   Some people say it empowers them.  Perhaps he has sensed a change?  It is possible.  Do you think he fears more change if you were to get an ADHD diagnosis on top?  

    These are just some thoughts, and not solutions.  I do suggest you try speaking to him calmly and even explore the possibility of getting some couples therapy/relationship counselling.   I wish you both good luck, and with your ADHD assessment. 

Children
  • in reply to overwhelmed & underwhelmed

    Yeah, I don’t blame him completely but I haven’t really changed. The only thing that has happened is that I have stopped blaming myself, is that not a good thing? 

    Before I wasn’t sure if I was autistic because although I suffer with social anxiety, communication issues and a lot of the other traits, I also didn’t quite fit in either. So when they said they think that I’m ADHD also, that made more sense to me. 


    I have got myself in the past in some tricky situations, drinking too much alcohol just to calm me down. Getting diagnosed with anxiety disorder, attachment disorder etc 

     My two children have autism too which made me realise, I was autistic (I had no idea), struggled my whole life. Couldn’t read or write at age 9, struggled to make friends. Thought I was stupid but had massive aspirations and special interests.