Published on 12, July, 2020
I wanted to join a discussion for women married to men with Aspergers but I must be a bit thick as I can't see how to join in the threads I have read so far. I have been married for 45 years and for 34 of those years I have been chronically sick and disabled. Although I always knew my husband was 'a bit strange' I thought it was mostly his upbringing and then this year discovered it was Aspergers. Reading about it and seeing a counseller has helped but I am overwhelmed by the sadness I feel that I have in some ways 'wasted' 45 years of my life expecting something different and always trying to work things out and hope for change. Now I know that I can stop banging my head against a brick wall but I also know that if I could turn the clock back I would not have married this man. I can't leave him now. It's too difficult because of my condition. I have often said that if my husband had taken up medicine he would have been a brilliant surgeon who would save your life but have no bedside manner! It's the emotional support which is lacking. He can build a ramp and adapt a bathroom but when another long term medical condition hit me 3 years ago and I thought I was going to lose my sight he said NOTHING! It's words that fail him. Anyway, this is just a start as I dip my toe into this community... but I would like to hear from other people who are NTs and whose health is not good and have found their partners wanting in that situation because of their lack of empathy. Even though he tells me he loves me every day you begin to wonder what love is because somehow it feels like a mechanical habit as he always says it at the same time and in the same way... Gotta go now
IntenseWorld,
Yes H has been getting help with depression for many years. Manic depression (which everyone calls bipolar these days) is rife throughout his family. When he said he was getting worse he didn't mean the depression. When he first recognised the Aspergers and felt relieved by it he was quite elated but as with everything he comes down with a bump and his moods can swing on a sixpence. If you mentioned CBT to him he'd hit the roof! He does function adequately and has a very busy life so I must have given you the wrong impression on that one.
By 'getting worse' he was referring solely to the AS traits in his personality. I've told him that that would be very unusual as most people seem to say that they slowly learn how to fit in and can reach contentment in advancing years.
I found something the other day which made us both laugh as I've been having a huge clear out in the past year but I found some notes of when we tried couples counselling. He hated it. He can't bear 'therapy speak' and I'd written down a question he was asked: "How are you hearing this question?" I think at the time he said "I don't know what you mean" but when we got home he told me that he wanted to say "Through my auditory canal".
As I've said, I've got a lovely therapist and she knows us both very well. She has a partner who does a course on positive thinking. H has done it and found it very useful. He had to do the work himself from a book and see the partner once a week for 6 weeks. He liked him and found it acceptable. When he went into a dip last week he said he immediately thinks of it to fight it off.
Believe me we have tried everything that's going for both his problems and mine so I really just wanted to speak to people in the same position as me just to see how they feel and although I am grateful for the help you have offered I have been wondering today why you joined this thread as you are not disabled with an AS partner. Please don't get me wrong and say "Why shouldn't I?" I am just curious.