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Son always thinking he knows better.

Lau

I feel really frustrated tonight and feel guilty because I feel frustrated!! 

I managed to get some new games for the house on sale today one being hungry hippos. My Autistic 4 year old and I were playing The game hungry hippos and he loved it so much we were having great fun catching then counting how many balls we had caught. 

My older son also Autistic PDA, heard the fun and wanted to join, it’s rare we can play a game that wee all enjoy so it was really nice for us all to be laughing and playing together. 

My eldest wanted to see how many balls he could fit in the hippos mouth, because he was taking all the balls my youngest was confused and getting angry as he wanted to keep playing and couldn’t as he had no balls. I asked a few times Can you pop the balls in the middle then we can continue with our game but he continued to fill the mouth up held the mouth closed and slammed his hand down on the lever and then he says I think it’s broken now.

Usually I’m pretty easy going and can brush things off but I’m so annoyed at him. 

I said why did you do that, now that blue hippo is broken he said it okay there’s another 3 hippos and there’s only three of us playing. I then went onto say what did you think would happen when you did that? He was starting to become annoyed with me and kept saying there’s 3 hippos left that are working. Then he decided he wanted to play with the yellow hippo that my youngest was playing with but my youngest want to stay his colour this caused more upset then he just stood up and walked out the room saying I’m going to play my ps5 then.

Im left there trying soothe my youngest and with a game that’s broken. 

When I read this over I get it’s only a game and toys can be replaced but these things happen all the time. Such as he will want to try a sweetie that’s new (he hates new things he always eats the same things) and I will say I’m pretty sure you like this sweet better (something I know he likes) then he gets home and try’s the new sweet and hates it then had a melt down and gets so frustrated that he would want to write a letter to the sweet company for making this sweet that tastes disgusting. This happens all the time and on the occasions I refuse to buy the new sweet he will become frustrated with me.

Another example is he was having pancakes at a restaurant for breakfast I said why don’t you dip your pancake into the maple syrup as this is different syrup to the one you usually have. He said no I know I know I’ll like it then pours the syrup all over the pancakes and then said I want new pancakes I don’t like that syrup. He will then sit there in an awful mood that the restaurant has different tasting syrup to the one he has at school (he always makes pancakes with syrup in school with his psa)

What would you have done in the situation with the hungry hippo game? Should I have just lifted the board game up straight away and refused to let him fill the mouth up with balls? Of course if I Did do this it would have been a melt down from both children and id feel guilty for stopping a game on the off chance that it may have got broken?

Am I over reacting? All the changes that come with Christmas are getting to me so maybe I am over reacting? 

  • in reply to Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

    Hello and thank you for your reply.

    When we have played games over the years he sometimes tries to switch up rules or simplify games and I find if I play a game with him myself it’s more likely to go smoothly as I can be flexible with him wanting to switch the game up, but if someone else such as his brother wanted to play the game a different way it wouldn’t be allowed and would usually cause M to become frustrated and not want to take part. 

    Prior to putting the balls in the hippos mouth, he was taking the balls out of his brothers hippos area, he was doing this because he felt his brother was taking to long to put the balls back in the centre of the game. I reminded him by saying this is Js 1st time playing give him some time to take them out. He did try and wait but I could see he was wanting to move on with the game and his wee brother was taking a bit longer than M and I were at putting the balls back in the centre. Both boys were really excited and loving the game at this point. 

    I’m not sure if he’s thought he’s taking to long with the balls so I’m going to sabotage the game or if he disliked the praise I gave both children or because he had seen me asking him to put the balls back in the centre as a demand.

    Regardless of how he interpreted what was said/done his actions were wrong and it upset me. 

    My youngest J didn’t pick up on the fact the blue hippo got broken as there wasn’t a big deal made out of it and he did want M to continue playing but M was annoyed that I had questioned him a few times on his actions and then tried to change the subject to him wanting to use the hippo J was using which then caused upset and he called J a brat stood up said I’m going to play my PS5 and walked out. 

    I do believe I should challenge him a bit more with things that are wrong and not allow him to have so much control but I try to pick my battles with him as His PDA can make life really tricky for everyone in the house. 

    The waste of food and money also frustrates me I see my money being spent on something that will be opened sometimes not even eaten he could just smell the food and that would put him off then the food is binned.

    I know the need for him to try these new foods comes from watching you tubers who try new foods in videos and he is trying to copy what they do. I do say to him though that these people are sent these food items for free in order for the companies to gain publicity. 


    The reason he dislikes most foods is also down to sensory processing struggling with tastes smells and textures This has made my son have a very limited diet, but this doesn’t stop him wanting to buy new treat foods. 

    It’s so hard 

  • You're not overreacting, that was an unreasonable thing for him to do.

    When everyone joins in to play a game, they are all agreeing to play by the same rules. Games are somewhat like a test for real world social interactions, as in, can you get along with everyone else, can you play fairly, do you respect everyone involved in the game. 

    The thing is, right when he tried doing something different, like seeing how many balls can fit in the hippos mouth, was the moment that he stopped playing the game. He was not playing by the same rules, he was not playing with you or his little brother anymore. You kept asking him to throw the balls back into the middle, but he refused, meaning he was not playing by the same rules anymore, and he was not playing fairly, because he was hoarding all the balls and not throwing them back into the middle. And in all games, the number one thing people want most, is fairness, otherwise there's something to complain about. 

    Then he broke something that was not his to break. I mean if it was an accident, then that's just happenstance, but he was purposely pushing the limits of this toy, when this toy was mainly for your younger son to enjoy and play with, and now your younger son is left with a broken toy, and that's not fair to him. Who wants lend a toy out to someone, only for them to hand it back broken (or maybe... 75% still functional?) I would absolutely hate that, because that means they did not show a drop of respect.

    And maybe once he started playing "overfed hippo" instead of "hungry hippo," and when he refused a rule that would equal fair play for everyone (like to throw the balls back into the middle so that the game can continue) is when you could have called for a time out, to ask if the older son still wanted to play "hungry hippo," and that what he is currently doing is not a part of the game play, and tell him to get back on track, and get back into the game. 

    Also, with the food, it's like a double-edged sword, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. The thing is, you're paying for everything, and it's so wasteful and pointless for him to try new sweeties or new maple syrup, because it'll end up in the garbage, which is a waste of food, it's a waste of your money, and it's a waste of your time earning that money. I mean if your son wanted to buy new sweeties or try new foods, he should pay for it with his own money, not yours. I mean if I buy things for people with good intentions, only for them to hate it and throw it into the garbage, it hurts to see such a thing. But it'll be extremely pointless to buy something knowing they will not like it, and knowing it'll end up straight in the garbage. Even if he gets upset at not getting the new sweetie, tell him to buy them on his own. 

  • in reply to Catlover

    Hi Catlover thank you for your reply.

    Yes when he heard me and his wee brother laughing and being a bit noisy he came down stairs to see what the fuss was all about so maybe there was a bit of jealousy there. He did join in straight away and played along for a few minutes then I can see something switches in him and he can’t go along with the rules anymore and takes it that step to far and and can’t back down and go along with the correct way to play the game. 

    I know I was absolutely gutted as I  bought the games as the kids will be off school for Christmas holidays soon and we all love games.

    Yes definitely nice praise can be trigger. I usually say something such as I am really proud of you and he will accept me saying that rather than the common praise you would give a child such as you done a great job or your work was excellent. 

    Oh that sounds tricky your son not accepting he’s autistic. At least he has a parent there who has spotted the signs and can be supportive regardless if he ever feels ready to accept his autism. 

  • It sound to me like he was a little jealous, and wanted in on the action. But then he took it a step too far. Saying it didn’t matter, as 3 are left is factually correct, but this isn’t what you want to hear. An apology would have been nice!

    You didn’t make a big fuss over it which is the main thing. It means your son didn’t get the reaction he wanted. You didn’t over react, and I really don’t think there’s any specific way to deal with this behaviour, except to remain cool and calm; outwardly at least.

    Nice comments can be a trigger. my daughter was much the same. She was alway ( and still is)  quite avoidant. My son would have been the one to cause trouble for no reason. He isn’t diagnosed, and refuses to believe he could be Autistic.

  • in reply to Martin

    Hi Martin, thank you for your reply. It’s good to get an impartial persons view on behaviours.

    I try my best to see things from his point of view and maybe this was done because he had his brother and me both wanting to continue with the game and he may have seen this as a demand and rather than go along with what we wanted he kept filling the mouth up more and more and almost like his PDA wouldn’t let him back down to what we wanted? I also know children with PDA don’t like to be overly praised and at the time I was saying how nice it was we were all playing together. Looking back maybe the praise was the trigger? I hate to think the worst of my child but it can be so draining trying to understand and manage behaviours that are negative and sometimes seem to be done on purpose. 

  • Autistics cannot help reacting to specific sensory triggers or control going into meltdowns or shutdowns, but this was not the case here, it was simply selfish and arrogant/wasteful behaviour respectively. Autism is not an excuse for that sort of behaviour.

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