Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there
My daughter was diagnosed with aspergers with high anxiety earlier this year and she has been going downhill for over a year now. We have been paying for private counselling and they believe the best thing for her would be to homeschool her as she is struggling with the social side of school so much. The school have been quite good and introduced some things to help her but the main problem is friends and that can't be fixed. Most of her friends have withdrawn now and she is often alone. She has always been exceeding educationally so there aren't any concerns there but I don't know what to do now. She is horrendous at getting to bed - she has really long drawn out routines that have to be restarted if she makes a mistake or if she talks to one of us after and it has to be done with each of us, including the dog! We started taking her computer etc away two hours before bed and she is fine then but takes hours to get her settled. It also takes her ages to get out of bed and get dressed and often insists on help to get dressed. We are at the end of our tether and wonder if it would be trying to pull her out for a break or even for good if this is the trigger that's making her so unhappy? She never wants to go in and is clingy and tearful in the mornings. I have struggled to get her in a few times and so kept her off but her attendance has fallen below 90% so I've got the obligatory warning letter. Spoke to the doctor and she said sounds like I'm doing as much as I can and they should be understanding as to why she is off more than normal. Plus I do more with her at home than she probably gets at school!!
Anyone have any advice please??
This is really difficult as obviously you do not want her to suffer at school.
My problem with home schooling especially with an autistic child is that there is no opportunity to develop social skills. Friendships are probably always going to be difficult for her but if she isn't going to school and mixing with her peers then she won't have a chance to develop these skills. This could make later life difficult for her as she won't be used to interacting with others outside the home that much.
Obviously if the anxiety is too high for her to manage school at the moment then something needs to be done.
A few options spring to mind. Her doing a partial timetable at school and the rest of the time she is home schooled. This would take the pressure off her in school as she wouldn't be there as much and would hopefully reduce the amount of social time she would have to deal with but still enable her to interact with peers and develop social skills.
Another option is to see if there are any schools better suited to your daughter. An SEN school, a school with an SEN base or possibly a school that is just smaller.
The third option I can think of is that you do home school her for a while and then see if you can gradually reintegrate her into school.
Obviously there is a fourth option of home schooling indefinitely but I would be wary of this one.
To try and help her it is good to try and pinpoint the exact issues. Is it general anxiety or specific to certain situations? What is her current school doing to help minimise her anxiety? Is she having any sensory intervention to try and help reduce her anxiety?
Good luck. I really sympathise with your situation.
the school have been quite good after finally acknowledging it but to be fair she has got a lot worse lately. They have given her a time out card, toilet pass and earphones if she needs them but don’t feel her teacher has much sympathy for her. Simple things like the weekly certificates 2 children per class per week are given that my daughter is still waiting on that I’ve asked 3 times for, she still hasn’t got. Considering that she is exceeding in everything I’m sure there is something they could have congratulated her on or for coming in if nothing else. St least 4 children have got a certificate 3 times and most of them have had one twice so not happy about it.
As for the friend side, we worry that it’s axtually doing her more harm as the friends she had for years don’t want to know her now and she says how can she trust anyone when they change and it’s really upset her. I’ve had numerous parents contact me and feel that she gets the blame for most situations which aren’t all her fault at all. She is so resistant at the moment to any sort of help that if we try and explain why someone might react to something she feels we r taking their side and shuts down.
Its horrible watching her go into school with her head down, hands by her side with no one pleased to see her or even noticing her.
X
Thank you. We have her name down on the CAMHS list and have spoken to someone in the County Council about an EHCP but they said the school need to show 2 cycles of having actions in place so I can apply from the end of May and then we have options. I have now agreed with the school for her to do mornings for a while and see how that went but had to pull her out saying she wouldn't be back until after Easter before this option was presented to me!
We are going to try another counsellor too, just to get some more feedback as willing to try anything at this stage!
Its very hard being autistic in a mainstream school, especially as a girl. I didn't have a brilliant experience of school but found things easier when I went to University. Had I been homeschooled though I'm not sure I'd have managed at university or has the confidence to go.
Perhaps a break is needed to ensure her mental health isn't affected but with a view of at some point returning to school but maybe a different school. It's a shame her current school isn't more positive with her. If she doesn't already have one then it would be worth applying for an EHCP. This would help ensure she got the right support in school.
It may also help to ask for a CAMHS referall. They can take a long time but it may be helpful for yourselves and your daughter.
There are schools out there that are very good at dealing with autism so I personally wouldn't give up hope on school completely.
I really hope things improve for your daughter.