I hate the autism world and I hate myself

Hya,

Guess that’s quite realistic, that you aren’t going to recover from autism, but somehow it sounds like (and I think you said this in another post yourself) it isn’t just autism on its own. It’s your mood too and although both are probably related, the mood issues and how you see yourself can improve because they will depend a lot on how you perceive the things that can’t be changed.

Have you had some sort of therapy for this? And if so, was it by someone who appeared to understand and took into account the autism? Not sure how easy it is to find someone who does but hopefully it is possible. I had CBT and it didn’t work. The woman kept asking me constantly how something made me feel. I told her but she never seemed to find my answers adequate and kept replacing them with other words that didn’t describe at all how I felt. Then after that AS diagnosis I told some mental health nurse that I’m not any better than the last time I saw her and that I’ve spent the last three weeks researching all the methods of suicide that came to my mind at night, keeping me awake, and that it scares me a hell lot and she discharged me because I have AS and are not mentally ill, which is what they are there for… Whatever they had tried had not worked and I didn’t want them to continue this but was hoping they would suggest something that was more likely to help, given that there was perhaps an explanation now why it didn’t help, but no, nothing like this.

I’m just telling you this because I think it’s important that you get help with these issues but someone needs to make sure that you get it from someone who has experience with autistic people and doesn’t try to separate autism and the rest but can help you to deal with the problems the autism is causing. It doesn’t seem surprising at all that you find it very hard to deal with things like not being able to go to uni despite having got a place, that’s quite a big thing, and other things too that have resulted in the image you have of yourself being so desperately negative.

Don’t know, if you feel like you are at acute risk of causing harm to yourself and/or simply need to tell someone how you feel then Samarians are an option, but don’t expect too much from them. They are volunteers that are probably generally good at listening and have been trained a little bit in that but you’ll be very lucky if you happen to get to someone who has experience with autism. They will also not give you much specific advice, they will mainly listen and may tell you where they think you’ll get help but just in quite a general way which could potentially make you feel worse.

Please try and find someone who can help you to get better. Others have depression, anxiety and that sort of stuff too and there are ways to make them feel better again. I would hope there are also ways for you, they may just be different from what helps others because being autistic does perhaps require different approaches or at least a modification of the same approaches. If you tell the GP or maybe ask someone at one of those websites Alexandra suggested they will direct you to the right place to start at, and hopefully there they can come up with someone suitable for you, at least they are not totally fishing in the dark about the skills and knowledge that person would need to have. If you had some kind of therapy before and it didn’t work then try to assume that it wasn’t the right thing for you or not done in the right way for you, not that it’s simply impossible for you to get better only because the autism can't be cured.

Take care and please do something that you know does you good - you deserve it (even if you don’t believe this right now).

Hya,

Guess that’s quite realistic, that you aren’t going to recover from autism, but somehow it sounds like (and I think you said this in another post yourself) it isn’t just autism on its own. It’s your mood too and although both are probably related, the mood issues and how you see yourself can improve because they will depend a lot on how you perceive the things that can’t be changed.

Have you had some sort of therapy for this? And if so, was it by someone who appeared to understand and took into account the autism? Not sure how easy it is to find someone who does but hopefully it is possible. I had CBT and it didn’t work. The woman kept asking me constantly how something made me feel. I told her but she never seemed to find my answers adequate and kept replacing them with other words that didn’t describe at all how I felt. Then after that AS diagnosis I told some mental health nurse that I’m not any better than the last time I saw her and that I’ve spent the last three weeks researching all the methods of suicide that came to my mind at night, keeping me awake, and that it scares me a hell lot and she discharged me because I have AS and are not mentally ill, which is what they are there for… Whatever they had tried had not worked and I didn’t want them to continue this but was hoping they would suggest something that was more likely to help, given that there was perhaps an explanation now why it didn’t help, but no, nothing like this.

I’m just telling you this because I think it’s important that you get help with these issues but someone needs to make sure that you get it from someone who has experience with autistic people and doesn’t try to separate autism and the rest but can help you to deal with the problems the autism is causing. It doesn’t seem surprising at all that you find it very hard to deal with things like not being able to go to uni despite having got a place, that’s quite a big thing, and other things too that have resulted in the image you have of yourself being so desperately negative.

Don’t know, if you feel like you are at acute risk of causing harm to yourself and/or simply need to tell someone how you feel then Samarians are an option, but don’t expect too much from them. They are volunteers that are probably generally good at listening and have been trained a little bit in that but you’ll be very lucky if you happen to get to someone who has experience with autism. They will also not give you much specific advice, they will mainly listen and may tell you where they think you’ll get help but just in quite a general way which could potentially make you feel worse.

Please try and find someone who can help you to get better. Others have depression, anxiety and that sort of stuff too and there are ways to make them feel better again. I would hope there are also ways for you, they may just be different from what helps others because being autistic does perhaps require different approaches or at least a modification of the same approaches. If you tell the GP or maybe ask someone at one of those websites Alexandra suggested they will direct you to the right place to start at, and hopefully there they can come up with someone suitable for you, at least they are not totally fishing in the dark about the skills and knowledge that person would need to have. If you had some kind of therapy before and it didn’t work then try to assume that it wasn’t the right thing for you or not done in the right way for you, not that it’s simply impossible for you to get better only because the autism can't be cured.

Take care and please do something that you know does you good - you deserve it (even if you don’t believe this right now).