I hate the autism world and I hate myself

IWouldRatherBeWriting said:

I wish I hadn't been born this way. It's like I was given the wrong mind.

I feel sick and I'm panicking. I'll never recover from being autistic. It's such an ugly thing, it makes me desperate.

This pain is SO BAD.

Why so negative?

The only advantage the NTs have over the autistics is numbers.  They outnumber us 100 to 1

[Removed by Moderator - Rule 4]

I don't want to be like them.

I hope things start to get better for you friend. 

recombinantsocks said:

Hi Stephen,

I think that her recent posts cover that question, she hates being autistic.

I thought so. Sorry.

I really hope that you get the help that you need.

Hi Stephen,

I think that her recent posts cover that question, she hates being autistic.

May I ask why you hate yourself?

Hi IWouldRatherBeWriting,

How are you doing? I mean this in sort of a "German" sense, not like the one that requires the answer "I'm fine, thanks" or modifications of that... Not expecting you to be great or much better suddenly (although if you suspect that you have BPD that's perhaps also not impossible, not sure) nor is there much really anyone here can do to make you feel better, but I thought I ask anyway because I find sometimes even the biggest 5hit gets a bit more bearable when speaking it out. Don't know if that's the same for you, so don't worry if not and you would rather not say anything, that's alright too.

Take care!

Hya,

Guess that’s quite realistic, that you aren’t going to recover from autism, but somehow it sounds like (and I think you said this in another post yourself) it isn’t just autism on its own. It’s your mood too and although both are probably related, the mood issues and how you see yourself can improve because they will depend a lot on how you perceive the things that can’t be changed.

Have you had some sort of therapy for this? And if so, was it by someone who appeared to understand and took into account the autism? Not sure how easy it is to find someone who does but hopefully it is possible. I had CBT and it didn’t work. The woman kept asking me constantly how something made me feel. I told her but she never seemed to find my answers adequate and kept replacing them with other words that didn’t describe at all how I felt. Then after that AS diagnosis I told some mental health nurse that I’m not any better than the last time I saw her and that I’ve spent the last three weeks researching all the methods of suicide that came to my mind at night, keeping me awake, and that it scares me a hell lot and she discharged me because I have AS and are not mentally ill, which is what they are there for… Whatever they had tried had not worked and I didn’t want them to continue this but was hoping they would suggest something that was more likely to help, given that there was perhaps an explanation now why it didn’t help, but no, nothing like this.

I’m just telling you this because I think it’s important that you get help with these issues but someone needs to make sure that you get it from someone who has experience with autistic people and doesn’t try to separate autism and the rest but can help you to deal with the problems the autism is causing. It doesn’t seem surprising at all that you find it very hard to deal with things like not being able to go to uni despite having got a place, that’s quite a big thing, and other things too that have resulted in the image you have of yourself being so desperately negative.

Don’t know, if you feel like you are at acute risk of causing harm to yourself and/or simply need to tell someone how you feel then Samarians are an option, but don’t expect too much from them. They are volunteers that are probably generally good at listening and have been trained a little bit in that but you’ll be very lucky if you happen to get to someone who has experience with autism. They will also not give you much specific advice, they will mainly listen and may tell you where they think you’ll get help but just in quite a general way which could potentially make you feel worse.

Please try and find someone who can help you to get better. Others have depression, anxiety and that sort of stuff too and there are ways to make them feel better again. I would hope there are also ways for you, they may just be different from what helps others because being autistic does perhaps require different approaches or at least a modification of the same approaches. If you tell the GP or maybe ask someone at one of those websites Alexandra suggested they will direct you to the right place to start at, and hopefully there they can come up with someone suitable for you, at least they are not totally fishing in the dark about the skills and knowledge that person would need to have. If you had some kind of therapy before and it didn’t work then try to assume that it wasn’t the right thing for you or not done in the right way for you, not that it’s simply impossible for you to get better only because the autism can't be cured.

Take care and please do something that you know does you good - you deserve it (even if you don’t believe this right now).

Hi IWouldRatherBeWriting,

Thanks for your post. I would like to sign post you to our help information from one of the last threads you posted in:

community.autism.org.uk/.../not-copingwho-do-i-talk

Hi,

To anyone in this thread unable to cope with distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support.

If it’s outside your GP hours call  111  to reach the NHS 111 service::   http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx

The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.

MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.

If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support.

If you need help with an autism related issue, our helpline can be emailed on autismhelpline@nas.org.uk or they’re open Monday to Thursday 10am-4pm and Friday 9am-3pm on 0808 800 4104.

If you are looking for further autism related support, you can search for services in your area on the Autism Services Directory:

www.autismdirectory.org.uk This includes services such as: support groups, social groups, advocacy, befriending, residential settings, outreach and respite.

You may also want to contact your local social services, if you are not already receiving help from them. Please take a look at the following articles for further information on getting help from Social Services:

(Child England and Wales)

www.autism.org.uk/17378

(Adult England and Wales)

www.autism.org.uk/17377

(Child and Adult Scotland)
http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/benefits-and-community-care/care-and-benefits-for-parents-and-carers/care-support-for-children-with-autism/social-services-getting-help-for-children-and-adults-scotland.aspx

Services provided by the National Autistic Society may also help, you can read more here:

www.autism.org.uk/en-gb/our-services.aspx

Best wishes,

Alexandra (Moderator)

j