Published on 12, July, 2020
I am absolutely not saying that all NTs are weirdly interested, but I had an experience lately that really got on my nerves and is still bothering me.
A couple of weeks ago my grandparents had a friend to stay, and this friend used to work in schools before she retired, with autistic students and other students with special educational needs, but she was particularly keen on working with autistic students. Whilst she was at their house, my grandparents phoned me to ask if I would go over and chat to her. I'd heard them talk about her before and how "interested" she was in my being Asperger's and as I'm actually quite sensitive about the subject I wasn't sure I wanted to, but as my grandparents are amazing and I always want to please them, I said yes, sure, and went over.
So I get there and I meet the friend, and the first question she has isn't, "How are you?" She immediately asks me, "What goes on in your head?" That is the first question she asks, in that many words. I have only meet this woman sporadically throughout my life, on three occasions at most, in twenty years. I remember being taken aback at the time, but now I just feel boiling mad. Like, you wouldn't ask a neurotypical twenty-year-old girl that question, so why ask me just because I'm Aspie and you're "interested"?! Remembering the syrupy voice she used just makes me even more cross. It was as if she was talking to a five-year-old. To be honest I can't exactly remember what I said in reply, but I think I said something along the lines of, "Well, emotionally I struggle, and I get quite anxious, but apart from that nothing particularly interesting goes on in my head really. Not things that other people would find interesting anyway."
Then we got onto the subject of me being a writer, and my poetry and things, and she asked, "So could you make up a poem now for me? From your head?" And I was like, "Well, I'd have to go and sit down and write it. It wouldn't be an immediate thing." And she looked stricken and was like, "But people with conditions like yours, they can do that sort of thing, can't they? Just make things up from their heads? You must be able to."
Me: "No, really, I can't. Unfortunately. It takes time and effort. I'm not so good at being put on the spot." *Fake laughter*
She then started telling me stories about the autistic children she worked with, including one about a boy who used to imagine that he was projecting films onto the backs of his eyes from his brain and showed her by drawing a diagram (which does sound rather cool, I have to admit). Then like some excited Labrador, "Can you do that? Can you do that?" And she kept going, "Of course, I asked if I could work with children like you because I was interested. I just find you all so INTERESTING!" She proceeded to grill me, asking me about my plans to go to uni, and as I was unable to talk in detail about my mental health (aside from my Asperger's) and how it looks like it won't be possible for me to go this year, she was like, "But you must go! Because otherwise, people like you get stuck with their parents all their lives. It's so sad." Then my grandma joined in like, "I try and tell her mother not to be so over protective, she should go to university, she is easily clever enough" etc etc etc. It felt like I was being descended upon by vultures or something.
At this point I was virtually crying, as in, tears in my eyes, trying not to let them spill over. And I might suffer from emotional dysregulation, but I have gone whole therapy sessions without shedding a tear. So I was upset.
This attack ended with the friend saying, "You mustn't be so sharp with her. People like her are very sensitive, aren't you, dear? It's what comes of having such wonderful minds!"
All this happened a couple of weeks ago, but thinking about it still makes me sick to my stomach. It seemed ridiculous and kind of worrying to me that his woman was so fascinated in a medical condition. I hated the way she spoke to me, and I don't care if she was a kind old lady; it just made me angry and extremely uncomfortable. I felt like an exhibit in a zoo. To be honest, this isn't the first time that I have experienced this sort of thing: people being openly fascinated by autism, and asking me what my "power" is (er, I'm Aspie, not Supergirl!) or how quickly I can solve a maths problem (I barely scraped my necessary C at GCSE Maths, and that was with a lot of hard work and extra tuition, and on my third go at the exam!). I have to say that as a sufferer I really can't see why autism is so fascinating, and it frustrates me because again, it's the stereotypes they get excited about! Has anybody else experienced this weird fascination with autism?
Poor mite, bless you. I'm probably making matters worse by replying again but if we cannot help each other then...
I will say this:
1. I've only just become self-aware. I'm 45. No-one helped me when I was younger (it was spotted I have autism at birth but guess what... nothing happened. And that's not because people hated me, it's because people just are not equipped to understand, or like that woman who thought only of herself, get it really really really wrong.
2. You say you're not self-aware, that's okay, nothing wrong with that. Aspergers is label, it is name given by other people to a difference that exists and is noted as existing. It is not your name. It is NOT personality. It is not YOU. You are you. Aspergers is a label. If everyone in the world was the same as you (and me) there wouldn't be any problem per se.
3. You are in distress, that's obvious when you say you are a mess. What that woman did the other day, I think, is put the tin lid on it for you. You are absolutely at the end of your tether dealing with the EFFECT OF THE WORLD on you, and the lack of understanding by the world around you, of you. You need help. You need support. And you need to know you are not alone. You need help, perhaps from your GP, also MIND the mental health charity have a specialist arm that deal with autism and support. Ask your mum to help you search out and find what's best for you.
I'm telling you now you are not alone. It may feel as you read this, the pain. If you do, you need to tell your mother that you need help, more help, more help understanding that Aspergers, and all it comes with, is NOT A PROBLEM. And that you, as a personality, as a valid person, has a right to be treated with absolute respect at all times. And you need to speak to people who can support you through this difficult point.
I am still furious on your behalf regarding what that woman did. It was abusive. It was positive prejudice. And it is not acceptable.
People don't help not because they hate you, but because, like Martian Tom outlines (fantastic guy) they are just IGNORANT. It's their failing, their failure, and you shouldn't have to carry it or put up with it.
Apsie is not you. You are you. The more you understand Aspergers, the less frightening it will seem and you will begin to realise that actually, it's quite empowering. I wish I had the ability to pass over to you what I feel, in terms of strength, and self-worth, and self-esteem. But I can't, I'm not telepathic. But what I can do, and what I do every day, is speak up for people like me.
Today, I told someone who knows me, I am autisic. And they walked away from me. And you know what? GOOD. Because I don't need people like that in my life. If it's too much for them to handle, so be it. I know they don't hate me. I don't hate them. I'm disappointed, because I know that I am a good person in that, I am me. And I am so much more than just autistic.
There is a place for you here. You are not alone. And I will keep helping you, and others. I will not give in and I will not give up. And neither will others. There are loads of us around. You're not alone.