Published on 12, July, 2020
I was driving through town one evening and a group of men dressed in causal clothing were obviously heading out to a bar together.
They were all ages 60+ and looked comfortable together, as if they'd been doing this for years/decades.
I said to my wife that I can't seem to justify the effort to maintain a friendship like that. Even at school I had a very limited friendship group which pretty much vanished once life started to get in the way (work, relationships etc).
My wife said "that's just the way you are" and that pretty much ended that conversation.
I don't know if it's my definition or friendship. I obviously am aware of others in my limited circle. I work and have work colleagues that I get along with but I'd never want to socially interact outside of work.(I do get invited out but I decline)
I have very limited interest in anyone outside my own household and that includes immediate family.
It does feel a little isolating at times I suppose.
Anyway forgive the ramble
I understand the feeling. I've now accepted that I will never join those kinds of friendship groups you described (it really felt like work which doesn't feel natural). However, that doesn't mean I don't want any friends at all, I'm just not sure how to achieve that.
I've spoken with therapists in the past and we once touched on how I might have certain ideas of what friendships are based from childhood. If you think about it, in a school setting friendships are different because you're seeing certain people all the time, you're all doing similar things together, and so it just evolves that way. In adulthood that changes, you now have responsibility, age becomes irrelevant, the world is far bigger than you can imagine. Yet the unspoken rules of developing friendships as children still sit with me - I assume that it worked in the past, and I'm confused why it doesn't work now, or why no one explained to me it would be this different.
I have a couple of friends now which is good, and I'm trying to accept that I don't need big social groups to be happy. But I do occasionally still get those feelings or regret and isolation from time to time.
I can play the game and keep up appearances but there's just no connection, no spark. Truthfully I find interacting with people tiring and I prefer them at arms length anyway.
I suppose my fear would be that something happened in my relationship with my wife and kids and then I truly would be alone.