Too neurotypical to be autistic but too autistic to be neurotypical

This is actually quite refreshing to hear! 

I have just been diagnosed (yesterday) and felt very relieved at first but when starting to tell more people I found myself feeling like an Imposter. It is weirdly nice to hear and feel that I am not alone after reading this thread.

Hi Catwoman

Your interests are not so different to others here. I think we all love animals, nature and books. 

I briefly considered going into hairdressing when I was young, and even now I cut my partner's hair, with clippers. For me, hair and fashion - while not a deep interest of mine, are part of the art & design spectrum, which I've always had some interest in.

In your profile you share that you have a degree in Medieval History and have a continuing interest in ancient and medieval history and related subjects such as archaelogy, Ancient DNA and anthropology. I've studied sociology and a little bit of genetics and DNA, and I think all that stuff is interesting, so please feel free to "go on at some length" if you feel like it,

We're all the same in many ways, but different in others. Some of us are creative, some technical, some scientific, some have gifts with animals or plants, some of us (like me) have moved from one thing to another over the years, enjoying different experiences and learning a lot about all sorts of stuff. We are all unique.

Don't worry, I don't fit in with those support levels either. I'm not keen on supermarket shopping, but I'm quite capable of doing an online grocery shop. Practical tasks aren't a problem, it's dealing with most other people that are.

I do embrace autism as much as I can, and not worry about what others think. I think some of my feelings of not belonging are because my interests are so different to others here and because I'm so crap and tech when everybody else seems so fluent.

I dont' think we are the next evolutionary stage, we've always been here as part of the homo sapien species. Most of us will have some Neanderthal DNA between 1 and 4%, some of us will have other relic DNA such Denisovan and maybe some that we are finding in DNA studies, but have yet to find fosil relics for. Sorry this ia a pet subject of mine and I could go at some length.

In this forum for first time I have feeling that I belong somewhere. It’s not that I’m hostile to others outside of this place, but here I feel more understood and validated than anywhere else. If you also feel this way, then maybe you can just let yourself feel it. We are all different, all of us have different strengths and weaknesses and I think that imposter syndrome is a part of the struggle. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think it’s something like we think, we don’t deserve to belong anywhere. After finding the explanation we start questioning if we are enough autistic to belong here. That’s also painful and exhausting. Is it worth the pain? I think it’s worth to remember one thing: Autism is a wide spectrum. 

What I have learned about myself and autism in the whole is that everyone is different. People want to pigeonhole us so it is neat and tidy for the poor NT's. I have always felt weird and that I didnt fit in but never knew why. I tried so hard to fit in but really struggled to be more than the bore standing in the corner. Now I do know why and it is kinda liberating. No longer do I have to worry that im bad for not doing the everyday things. Just embrace your type of autism, we are all so different but share traits. I often wonder if we are the next level of evolution but just not perfected it yet. I would rather be that than bog standard. It may be that homosapiens are the Neanderthals of this age  

My attention wanders during films and programs I'm not that interested in, some things I find really traumatic, I was made to watch War horse even though I was having panic attacks through it, I kept crying and hyperventilating. No one could understand why I reacted this way, but I cant watch, listen or read anything like that where animals are being hurt and mistreated, I just get overwhelmed.

I have difficulty maintaining friendships too, I'm not even sure I really have any friends more like close aquaintances, partly for me it's because I dont' drink, I feel even more lost in a group of drunk people than I do when their sober. I can't go out for meals because there's nowhere round here where I can have a complete meal. I find most restaurants too loud and echo-y and they don't feel like safe places to be. I don't like soaps and stuff like love island either.

I've learned to be very self sufficient about my interests and not look for people to share them with, one of the good things about being an only child is that I'm good at entertaining myself. So I have very few expectations of other people and I think that comes across as aloofness.

Like you, I’m also organised (better than my NT husband, who can pretty much disorganise my tasks) I have no issues cooking cleaning shopping etc. how autism affects my life is in social interactions, communication (difficulty understanding body language, cues, jokes, something that is not direct) I can clearly see the misunderstandings now at work for example. I also have problems with my emotions- to recognize and manage them (that’s why I often feel like I’m not fully grown up) - I can start crying instantly for no obvious reason, or one that is not visible to others such is someone laughing too loud. Nobody wants to watch TV with me, because doesn’t matter how interesting the movie is, the moment comes, when I suddenly go from good mood to irritated, annoyed, tired, headache. It’s too much information, action, too much of the screen flashing pictures. So I stand up and leave immediately. These and many other reasons of why I’m perceived as weirdo and have difficulty making and  maintaining friendships. So this is how autism affects my life and it also reflects on its quality. I’m not seeking any support because I’m not intellectually disabled. I didn’t know I have sensory issues until I started reading, watching, checking. Since I wear earplugs in noisy places I stopped having panic attacks and heart palpitations. Before I spent years trying to figure out what’s wrong with my heart and I was even gaslit that I’m making this up. 

That’s a really well written post Caelus and I agree and identify with all of it. Sadly.

yep i think the key part is the struggle of life, the impossibility of connections and friends, if you get friends its not your doing but all their doing and feels like luck and you dont know how it happened or how to replicate it because its the other sides doing. the never having relations, the constant bullying you dont even understand why and the fact everyone knows and hates you when you dont even know them or understand why they knew or hated you, the crushing loneliness, the impossibility of doing anything or understanding how to exist. the lack of motivation that stops you even trying and the things like that you cant even describe. the giving up on life, falling by the wayside, only forcing yourself to exist so you dont make your parents upset, waiting to not live but yet your only connection being parent that you love and not wanting to go before them so as to not upset them and so hanging on torturing yourself in continuation for them and their feelings. 

i feel the suffering is a core component of this.... without it there is no issue to be called upon for diagnosis. there was no reason to go for diagnosis. its hard for a diagnoser because they dont know your life, and youd likely not be able to describe or tell them. it is better if we were telepathic species so we can transfer memories and experiences, thats the only way for them to know for sure.

Yes, I had imposter syndrome when I first posted on this forum some years ago. I believe it's common in autistic adults when they first learn they are on the spectrum.

This is from the section on this website about what autism is:

'The DSM-5 Manual defines autism spectrum disorder as “persistent difficulties with social communication and social interaction” and “restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviours, activities or interests” (this includes sensory behaviour), present since early childhood, to the extent that these limit and impair everyday functioning'

My issues with this were: Doesn't everyone have difficulties with social communication and social interaction? (Non autistic people argue, have differences of opinion, get divorced). What defines restricted & repetitive activities & interests - why would binge watching Star Trek or spending hours reading fantasy novels be any different to following a football team or celebrity? Aren't sensory issues widespread, and if not why are people always arguing in offices because some are too hot and others too cold? Plus I'm in a relationship and hold down a job, with no formal support, so I'm not "disabled"

But now I understand it a bit better. Autism can be more nuanced.

I now believe that when neurotypical people have difficulties with friendships, although they may be very upset with someone for a while, their feelings gradually dissipate and they have ways to mend the relationship by the use of body language and apologies. If I have been very upset by someone I can often recall how I felt years later, plus I can find it hard to do explain how I feel, or I've tried to speak then shut down. However if I'm with someone on the spectrum, it's easier for me to speak in a more direct way to sort out misunderstandings, and there is more of a feeling of shared empathy.

Some of my interests are unusual for my age and gender, e.g. Science fiction and fantasy, video games, and even when I'm not engaged in one of my interests I will think about it a lot. I'm still not sure why this is a trait of autism, and not just a natural variation in interests and hobbies.

I never thought about "sensory issues" but if the fire alarm goes off at work I seem to be the only one holding my fingers to my ears as we walk out to the car park. I'm so sensitive to cold it can feel like pain, I hate tight clothes & high heels and some of my clothing has the labels cut out. Again, I thought this was just normal variation, now I know it's common in autistic people.

Finally, to impairment of everyday functioning - yes I hold down a job, but it's part time and I often fall asleep on the sofa when I get home due to exhaustion, and although I don't get formal support, I asked to be moved to a quieter office at work and this was arranged.

I read this forum and I see that we all have so much in common. I fit in here, and so do you.

Having just looked up the differing levels of autism and support needs, I don't fit with any of them, is this because I've never been offered any support and so learnt to just do stuff. I dont' have a problem cooking shoping or cleaning and I can be quite organised.

Am I still autistic, or do I just not fit in anywhere again?

Yes, I agree. I suffered a lot when I was younger. Now I feel much better because of the knowledge and I also let myself mask less. The fact that now I struggle very little or not at all (with help of meds) is because of the knowledge of my condition and ability to manage my life the way it serves me. So currently I don’t need diagnosis I don’t have high support needs but it does not change who I am. If I have still worked in the call center like I did 3 years ago, I would have probably developed some serious conditions like heavy anxiety and I would have suffered till now as I did before. Thank goodness I quit it. I realised that I don’t have to pretend that I’m like others when I’m not. If I have to meet new people everyday, I would feel much worse. This knowledge helped me decide to look for  a performance based job, which I found, where my attention to detail and good memory are praised and I don’t need any soft skills. 

I think everyone goes through imposter syndrome before or after diagnosis. It's one of the stages of accepting it.

However, I think struggle is very much part of the autistic life and the diagnosis criteria specify that the difficulties must “limit and impair everyday functioning”. 

Yep, I feel this way most of the time, it's part of reason I started the high functioning thread. I don't feel as though I fit with what many percieve as autistic, but I definately don't fit with NT's. It's a very confusing and isolating place to be and why I prefer the company of plants and animals to humans.

I had an imposter syndrome some time ago. But I threw it out of my head. Not all autistic people must struggle, not all of us struggle equally and not equally in different stages of our lives. We all grew up and live in different environments. Some of us may thrive because they found what serves them and makes them happy and fulfilled. Does this mean that they are not autistic anymore? It’s a developmental condition, it does not disappear once you manage your life to be bearable for you. I’m much happier now than I was in my youth which was terribly traumatic. Now I just understood why I am the way I am, why I couldn’t find myself in this world and my place in it. But now I found. Everyone has struggles. Other ND people also have them and NTs have them. I would say It’s not the level of struggles classifying us with conditions. It’s rather our characteristics, traits, experiences.