Published on 12, July, 2020
Lately I've felt like I don't fit. Like I don't struggle enough to be considered autistic. I do struggle, of course. I probably struggle more than neurotypicals do. And I know that being autistic isn't only about struggling. But sometimes it feels like I am faking it. Like it's just another mask that I put on. These sentences are so hard to write. It's like trying to catch a specific snowflake in the blizzard that is my brain. So I'll just stop here. Have you ever felt this way?
Yes, I had imposter syndrome when I first posted on this forum some years ago. I believe it's common in autistic adults when they first learn they are on the spectrum.
This is from the section on this website about what autism is:
'The DSM-5 Manual defines autism spectrum disorder as “persistent difficulties with social communication and social interaction” and “restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviours, activities or interests” (this includes sensory behaviour), present since early childhood, to the extent that these limit and impair everyday functioning'
My issues with this were: Doesn't everyone have difficulties with social communication and social interaction? (Non autistic people argue, have differences of opinion, get divorced). What defines restricted & repetitive activities & interests - why would binge watching Star Trek or spending hours reading fantasy novels be any different to following a football team or celebrity? Aren't sensory issues widespread, and if not why are people always arguing in offices because some are too hot and others too cold? Plus I'm in a relationship and hold down a job, with no formal support, so I'm not "disabled"
But now I understand it a bit better. Autism can be more nuanced.
I now believe that when neurotypical people have difficulties with friendships, although they may be very upset with someone for a while, their feelings gradually dissipate and they have ways to mend the relationship by the use of body language and apologies. If I have been very upset by someone I can often recall how I felt years later, plus I can find it hard to do explain how I feel, or I've tried to speak then shut down. However if I'm with someone on the spectrum, it's easier for me to speak in a more direct way to sort out misunderstandings, and there is more of a feeling of shared empathy.
Some of my interests are unusual for my age and gender, e.g. Science fiction and fantasy, video games, and even when I'm not engaged in one of my interests I will think about it a lot. I'm still not sure why this is a trait of autism, and not just a natural variation in interests and hobbies.
I never thought about "sensory issues" but if the fire alarm goes off at work I seem to be the only one holding my fingers to my ears as we walk out to the car park. I'm so sensitive to cold it can feel like pain, I hate tight clothes & high heels and some of my clothing has the labels cut out. Again, I thought this was just normal variation, now I know it's common in autistic people.
Finally, to impairment of everyday functioning - yes I hold down a job, but it's part time and I often fall asleep on the sofa when I get home due to exhaustion, and although I don't get formal support, I asked to be moved to a quieter office at work and this was arranged.
I read this forum and I see that we all have so much in common. I fit in here, and so do you.
I think the nuanced thing is one of the biggest barriers to understanding, on both sides of the divide. For the ND it seems to be a driver for feeling like an imposter. People feel they don’t tick enough boxes to be considered ND. And NT see the same thing, assume you are also a typical like them, and then fail to see your issues for what they are.