It makes no sense!

Well, hearses were originally horse-drawn, often with an undertaker walking in front of it. Also, taking someone's remains to their eternal rest at high speed, like they had an appointment, seems illogical.

Martin said:

Also, taking someone's remains to their eternal rest at high speed, like they had an appointment, seems illogical.

And terribly disrespectful.

There is a funeral parlour near where I live and there is always a chap who walks in front for a while before getting into the vehicle.

I find it quite moving.

I've seen a funeral in Portsmouth with a glass carriage and the beautifully dressed horses.

That's a very special experience.

Slowness and thoughtfulness are totally appropriate for remembering the departed.

terribly disrespectful.

Respecting the dead is what the funeral is all about - not just getting a slab of rotting meat into a hole in the ground as fast as possible.

The whole procession is the chance for people to show their respect for the person who died - to deliberately take time out of their day to slow things down, reflect on the value of that persons life and show you understand the social contract that everyone follows by following suit.

When there are horses involved then you have to be a complete a-hole to go whizzing by and potentially spook the horses anyway.

What it comes down to for us is that we tend to not "get" these social contracts - we need to have them explained and often ask questions "but why?"

Taking 5 mins to search online for an expanation is all it takes, so we don't really have an excuse in this day and age to not find out fast.

T said:

If that were true, I don't know why extracting so much money from the bereaved is a central part.

This is just how human greed has crept into what is typically a very personal event - there is little competition for undertakers and they do charge a lot for what they do, but typically you have little choice and everybody expects you to follow the social contract and do it.

That is why lots of people have funeral insurance when they get older so it is not a cost to be borne by the survivors.

I have an uncle who lives in the highlands of Scotland and when his wife died (about 20 years ago) they had agreed to buy the coffin in advance (used for storing spare bedsheets etc at home) and when it came to the funderal he put the coffin in the back of his Volvo estate and drove to the cemetery where his sons and him carried it to the grave and lowered it in.

Very down to earth and he asked all the guests to not send flowers but to make a donation to the cancer charity that had helped her in the final stages of her illness.

You can buck the trend but it takes a lot of planning as there are lots of laws covering the handling of dead bodies and their disposal. Getting the right message out is also important to avoid being seen as a skinflint and/or weirdo.

Amerantin (former member) said:

Assume you meant neurodivergent?

I did. Apologies for the mistake.

Assume you meant neurodivergent?

If that were true, I don't know why extracting so much money from the bereaved is a central part. A ceremony to say goodbye can be very useful, but when it's surrounded by "but how can you get closure without spending an insane amount on flowers, coffins (and whatever other extras you'd fork out for if you loved them at all)?" it's hard to buy the positive psychological side as the centre. 

Amerantin (former member) said:

Didn't feel anything, felt like i was watching it from somewhere else. It was an item ticked off on a list of things i had to do

As you are posting on an forum for autism then I assume you are neurotypical.

A common issue for neurotypicals is emotional dysregulation - quite possibly what was at play here as it corresponds to your interaction with the situation.

At my parents' funerals I sort of disassociated. Didn't feel anything, felt like i was watching it from somewhere else. It was an item ticked off on a list of things i had to do.

Amerantin (former member) said:

I've always struggled with the concept of funerals - they are an ordeal for an already traumatised family to get past before they can grieve in private.

They are actually about helping the family find closure - creating a physical process witness by all that the body has been honoured, family and friends have paid their respects and the body put in the grave / incinirator to create a commonly acknowledged end to the act.

Now the person has been "put to rest" - and you, the family, can move to the next phase of the grieving process which is to rebuild your lives.

When this is not observed a lot of people struggle to process the grief and the pain of loss lingers for much longer.

It is old school headology and it does work in most cases.

Amerantin (former member) said:

I've always struggled with the concept of funerals - they are an ordeal for an already traumatised family to get past before they can grieve in private.

They are actually about helping the family find closure - creating a physical process witness by all that the body has been honoured, family and friends have paid their respects and the body put in the grave / incinirator to create a commonly acknowledged end to the act.

Now the person has been "put to rest" - and you, the family, can move to the next phase of the grieving process which is to rebuild your lives.

When this is not observed a lot of people struggle to process the grief and the pain of loss lingers for much longer.

It is old school headology and it does work in most cases.

T said:

If that were true, I don't know why extracting so much money from the bereaved is a central part.

This is just how human greed has crept into what is typically a very personal event - there is little competition for undertakers and they do charge a lot for what they do, but typically you have little choice and everybody expects you to follow the social contract and do it.

That is why lots of people have funeral insurance when they get older so it is not a cost to be borne by the survivors.

I have an uncle who lives in the highlands of Scotland and when his wife died (about 20 years ago) they had agreed to buy the coffin in advance (used for storing spare bedsheets etc at home) and when it came to the funderal he put the coffin in the back of his Volvo estate and drove to the cemetery where his sons and him carried it to the grave and lowered it in.

Very down to earth and he asked all the guests to not send flowers but to make a donation to the cancer charity that had helped her in the final stages of her illness.

You can buck the trend but it takes a lot of planning as there are lots of laws covering the handling of dead bodies and their disposal. Getting the right message out is also important to avoid being seen as a skinflint and/or weirdo.

Amerantin (former member) said:

Assume you meant neurodivergent?

I did. Apologies for the mistake.

Assume you meant neurodivergent?

If that were true, I don't know why extracting so much money from the bereaved is a central part. A ceremony to say goodbye can be very useful, but when it's surrounded by "but how can you get closure without spending an insane amount on flowers, coffins (and whatever other extras you'd fork out for if you loved them at all)?" it's hard to buy the positive psychological side as the centre. 

Amerantin (former member) said:

Didn't feel anything, felt like i was watching it from somewhere else. It was an item ticked off on a list of things i had to do

As you are posting on an forum for autism then I assume you are neurotypical.

A common issue for neurotypicals is emotional dysregulation - quite possibly what was at play here as it corresponds to your interaction with the situation.

At my parents' funerals I sort of disassociated. Didn't feel anything, felt like i was watching it from somewhere else. It was an item ticked off on a list of things i had to do.