Cant write what I want to

too true.

Once I spent 3 days hiding in one of the painting studios on campus while I was at college 'cause I didn't want to leave when they closed the building for the night. I wanted to keep working. After 3 days of not really eating and not speaking or interacting with anyone I left and found I could not really use language. (I had non verbal episodes like this as a child).

I felt both relieved not to have to but also scared I wouldn't be able to  - and I would have to to eat. I had no one to really turn to. this is the early 70s.

I pushed past it. Had to. Made a point of and became somewhat obsessed with language and writing, speaking and being understood - the beginning development of one of my masks/obsessions? - and now I speak 3 languages. I suppose it is a matter of pushing through to the other side, getting past the ambivalence.

Yeah, I have an old type of mobile phone, just so people don't expect an instant reply, since it'll take forever for me to type something to them. 

And at home I have a tablet, but if someone messages me, it might take up to a week for me to respond, since I just do things whenever I'm up for it. 

I am probably giving you more stress, more to worry about which is not very helpful. Maybe you just need to be kinder to yourself, and say its ok to not talk to people, you don't have to talk to people all the time, find ways of managing your energy levels it might be like the tide where sometimes you feel like talking to people and others you don't and that's ok. It is bad enough that everybody else puts pressure on us to do things we don't need to add to that, just be kind to yourself. I also just found this channel which might be helpful even though it is about adhd. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9WSVb1A9Mc 

I think it may just be a matter of finding people that you are safe to be around. I have had experience where I could just talk and be weird and I was accepted as a friend for that and I liked that and I didn't have too worry too much about what I said. I think its also a matter of just doing it, the more you do and having stuff to do will occupy your mind so your thoughts can't race. The problem is if you can't be you when you make a mistake it feels devestating, you build up in your head that the world is ending what might be minor for other people, is not so minor for you and you just don't understand why so being around people that are accepting of you making mistakes is helpful. The problem is I lost that and I don't know how to find it again. Which is worrying me at the moment. I enjoy talking to people even if most people you talked to about me would say I am quiet, I can't quite remember why though. I think it was just a defense mechanism as it is just easier to not talk then deal with everything going on, I was probably just overwhelmed by all the inputs and didn't notice it, couldn't explain what was going on. I may need to join a bookclub, but they read stuff like Jane Eyre and I like fantasy, I am a massive nerd. Dungeouns and dragons might also be a good one, where I can just pretend to be wizard just reading books, casting spells, the problem is I am a bit intense and scared to join these clubs, mainly because I don't know what I am doing. If I know what I am doing then I am very good, otherwise I just shut down. I am also just weird, so I need to find places that are accepting of that. So I need to read up on it, but I am lazy and have a hard time reading rules. I don't know. I just need to try.

oh twitter was easy. just post anything and get banned for no reason lol
no wonder elon musk had to ask whether all its users were bots because that site just banned you for nothing.

I have this problem with talking to people, which is why its worrying me that now I seem to not be able to even talk while online.

That is interesting. I find it difficult to write long comments and sometimes decide not to send them.

However if I send a message to a friend and I don't get an answer I tend to think I have done something wrong and then lose touch with them. If I had received a reply late I would have been grateful that it wasn't something I said.

For me it's tended to be of a case of information anxiety / overload en.m.wikipedia.org/.../Information_overload

We were told in the 1990's that the Information Age would make everyone smarter!

Yes, the pros and cons of the internet (age).

I've had a lot of problems with people demanding communication responses sooner than I've wanted to do it. Therefore I took more control years ago by leaving my landline unplugged with an answerphone I could listen to when I choose. With mobile phone I tend to have it switched off most of the time (rather than on and available 'on call 24/7' as some people I've known expect me and others to be). I only recently activated the voicemail option on my mobile having not had it for over a decade. I also very rarely take my mobile mobile i.e. away from home (I have no landline these days) for various reasons including not being 'available on call' i.e. space+freedom (my own 'do not disturb' option etc) 

I enjoyed watching a documentary following a famous artist (but I can't remember who it was) who spent weeks on quite a large painting. He (I can't remember their gender now actually) then had an episode where he/she/they got very agitated+worked up resulting in painting over the whole piece with black paint and starting again on that. I liked what they did in the end as well as what they'd originally done before blacking it out. I think it was the same artist who said their life's objective was to recapture/get back to being sort of childlike and being able to channel that into their art i.e. pure playful raw unadulterated I guess.

Yes, I'm glad to have the option to edit posts and things, e.g. like on here whereas I didn't like that I couldn't do that on Twitter X (just post it or delete it on there, no editing option). 

just on a loop inside my head

I'm more aware than ever these days that I do that after interactions with people. I've been doing it a very long time but feel more in control of it now if I want whereas that wasn't the case before, so that's a relief to some extent. Perhaps this could be channelled and used productively in some way or other but I don't see what that is so far.

The internet is full of people and they seem to feel more emboldened and free from consequence when they post online.  There's a few nice people on here who will respond in a nice way.  So don't worry about this place.  I just ignore the posters who I don't like.

Sometimes I take a long time to type a comment, and I don't end up sending it,  and that happens like 50% of the time. I take a long time to write anything, and if I don't have the words for it now, I'll wait a few days, and then I'll try again.

A friend got angry at me for sending her a reply to her question a week later. I just couldn't find the right words for it, so I left it until I could gather my thoughts together and write back to her, but she was not pleased that it took s week, and said I just ignored her and forgot about her for a week, and she got angry at me for it because I didn't instantly reply to her, and even after I explained what had happened, she didn't believe me. I then thought about her texting me hundreds of times a day,  and expecting instant replies to them all, and I'm just not the type of person who could do that. I just found it too difficult to meet her expectations, so I just shrugged, and I just stopped messaging her. I'm sure she can find other friends who are willing to do that, just not me.  

I have had episodes of this sort of thing with painting and creative writing. I generally walk away and do something else for a while and the mojo comes back on it's own.

nah i can write for days and rewrite in different wording the same thing essentially for unending essays of text.

i sometimes go over and edit before i post or do delete entire sections. maybe rethink something and delete the entire thing if i see enough sense that the thing im commenting on isnt worth a comment lol i did that recently on a random suggested facebook post then thought, actually its not worth posting, that suggested post is lame anyway.

I have experienced not talking to people. Every day you don't it makes it harder to talk to people and then you build up in your head all the ways that it could go wrong and so it is just easier not to. I just ended up stuck in my head for hours, I think it was maladaptive day dreaming I am not sure. The problem was I just kept repeating thoughts in my head getting stuck not really changing or doing anything new just the same old same old. In the moment it is just a way to keep yourself safe, but now I am scared of repeating it, of getting trapped inside my own head and not being able to talk to anyone. What stopped me from talking to people was remembering every social mistake I ever made, just on a loop inside my head but I am trying to change that. I realised, I am going to make mistakes, I am going to be cringy, I am going to say stuff that I am going to regret saying, I can't change that. That is ok. That is who I am. I am willing to put up with all of that because I believe it is worth it. My favourite memories are the ones I spent talking with friends, not my degree or grades but talking to people. I want to be able to do that again, so I am going to try, fall down again and again, but I am going to pick myself up each time. It is hard. Sometimes there is no easy solution you have just got stand your ground,  I am tired all the time, and that makes it easier to excuse myself from not doing things but not doing things hasn't changed my tiredness, I think I just need to start working, I can work even if I am tired with the right processes, maybe my brain is just unused to being used. This doesn't really answer your question. Sorry. I thought it my be helpful though.