Cant write what I want to

I have experienced not talking to people. Every day you don't it makes it harder to talk to people and then you build up in your head all the ways that it could go wrong and so it is just easier not to. I just ended up stuck in my head for hours, I think it was maladaptive day dreaming I am not sure. The problem was I just kept repeating thoughts in my head getting stuck not really changing or doing anything new just the same old same old. In the moment it is just a way to keep yourself safe, but now I am scared of repeating it, of getting trapped inside my own head and not being able to talk to anyone. What stopped me from talking to people was remembering every social mistake I ever made, just on a loop inside my head but I am trying to change that. I realised, I am going to make mistakes, I am going to be cringy, I am going to say stuff that I am going to regret saying, I can't change that. That is ok. That is who I am. I am willing to put up with all of that because I believe it is worth it. My favourite memories are the ones I spent talking with friends, not my degree or grades but talking to people. I want to be able to do that again, so I am going to try, fall down again and again, but I am going to pick myself up each time. It is hard. Sometimes there is no easy solution you have just got stand your ground,  I am tired all the time, and that makes it easier to excuse myself from not doing things but not doing things hasn't changed my tiredness, I think I just need to start working, I can work even if I am tired with the right processes, maybe my brain is just unused to being used. This doesn't really answer your question. Sorry. I thought it my be helpful though.

I have this problem with talking to people, which is why its worrying me that now I seem to not be able to even talk while online.

I think it may just be a matter of finding people that you are safe to be around. I have had experience where I could just talk and be weird and I was accepted as a friend for that and I liked that and I didn't have too worry too much about what I said. I think its also a matter of just doing it, the more you do and having stuff to do will occupy your mind so your thoughts can't race. The problem is if you can't be you when you make a mistake it feels devestating, you build up in your head that the world is ending what might be minor for other people, is not so minor for you and you just don't understand why so being around people that are accepting of you making mistakes is helpful. The problem is I lost that and I don't know how to find it again. Which is worrying me at the moment. I enjoy talking to people even if most people you talked to about me would say I am quiet, I can't quite remember why though. I think it was just a defense mechanism as it is just easier to not talk then deal with everything going on, I was probably just overwhelmed by all the inputs and didn't notice it, couldn't explain what was going on. I may need to join a bookclub, but they read stuff like Jane Eyre and I like fantasy, I am a massive nerd. Dungeouns and dragons might also be a good one, where I can just pretend to be wizard just reading books, casting spells, the problem is I am a bit intense and scared to join these clubs, mainly because I don't know what I am doing. If I know what I am doing then I am very good, otherwise I just shut down. I am also just weird, so I need to find places that are accepting of that. So I need to read up on it, but I am lazy and have a hard time reading rules. I don't know. I just need to try.

I think it may just be a matter of finding people that you are safe to be around. I have had experience where I could just talk and be weird and I was accepted as a friend for that and I liked that and I didn't have too worry too much about what I said. I think its also a matter of just doing it, the more you do and having stuff to do will occupy your mind so your thoughts can't race. The problem is if you can't be you when you make a mistake it feels devestating, you build up in your head that the world is ending what might be minor for other people, is not so minor for you and you just don't understand why so being around people that are accepting of you making mistakes is helpful. The problem is I lost that and I don't know how to find it again. Which is worrying me at the moment. I enjoy talking to people even if most people you talked to about me would say I am quiet, I can't quite remember why though. I think it was just a defense mechanism as it is just easier to not talk then deal with everything going on, I was probably just overwhelmed by all the inputs and didn't notice it, couldn't explain what was going on. I may need to join a bookclub, but they read stuff like Jane Eyre and I like fantasy, I am a massive nerd. Dungeouns and dragons might also be a good one, where I can just pretend to be wizard just reading books, casting spells, the problem is I am a bit intense and scared to join these clubs, mainly because I don't know what I am doing. If I know what I am doing then I am very good, otherwise I just shut down. I am also just weird, so I need to find places that are accepting of that. So I need to read up on it, but I am lazy and have a hard time reading rules. I don't know. I just need to try.

I just need to try

Me too, take a 'leap of faith' etc (but I'm 'seeker agnostic' (typology), I have no faith ). I used to be very withdrawn reserved quiet 'shy' outside of home (e.g.when I was a youth). I later have been accused of talking too much, being to loud etc, the polar opposite. I hope to experience more in the middle of possible. In my lifetime I've been told I should try and stand out more, be an individual etc. I've done this and been told I should conform more, stand out less etc. Hopefully I'll experience the middle ground/way of all this too