Published on 12, July, 2020
I tried writing this a few times over the past couple days but I was having trouble but thats kind of the point of this post.
I dont talk very often out loud (unless its about my special interest and im with people im comfortable with) but online I can write wayyy more. I usually even annoy people with how much I write when I text/email/etc but the last couple days I keep trying to comment on things on here but I changed my mind and didnt send it. I think I only made 4ish comments and they were pretty short than my usual. I dont know why I cant write right now, its like I dont feel like it, mixed with I cant find the words I want. I was just wondering if anybody else has had this before and if theres a way I can get past it?
I have experienced not talking to people. Every day you don't it makes it harder to talk to people and then you build up in your head all the ways that it could go wrong and so it is just easier not to. I just ended up stuck in my head for hours, I think it was maladaptive day dreaming I am not sure. The problem was I just kept repeating thoughts in my head getting stuck not really changing or doing anything new just the same old same old. In the moment it is just a way to keep yourself safe, but now I am scared of repeating it, of getting trapped inside my own head and not being able to talk to anyone. What stopped me from talking to people was remembering every social mistake I ever made, just on a loop inside my head but I am trying to change that. I realised, I am going to make mistakes, I am going to be cringy, I am going to say stuff that I am going to regret saying, I can't change that. That is ok. That is who I am. I am willing to put up with all of that because I believe it is worth it. My favourite memories are the ones I spent talking with friends, not my degree or grades but talking to people. I want to be able to do that again, so I am going to try, fall down again and again, but I am going to pick myself up each time. It is hard. Sometimes there is no easy solution you have just got stand your ground, I am tired all the time, and that makes it easier to excuse myself from not doing things but not doing things hasn't changed my tiredness, I think I just need to start working, I can work even if I am tired with the right processes, maybe my brain is just unused to being used. This doesn't really answer your question. Sorry. I thought it my be helpful though.
too true.
I have this problem with talking to people, which is why its worrying me that now I seem to not be able to even talk while online.
just on a loop inside my head
I'm more aware than ever these days that I do that after interactions with people. I've been doing it a very long time but feel more in control of it now if I want whereas that wasn't the case before, so that's a relief to some extent. Perhaps this could be channelled and used productively in some way or other but I don't see what that is so far.