Published on 12, July, 2020
It’s been quite some time since I’ve had the confidence to write on this forum. Hopefully you’ll have me back again.
I’m feeling the all too familiar signs of burn out once more and it’s having its impact on my speech and co-ordination again. These are the moments I really start to feel trapped inside my own head.
Today has, in fact these past few weeks have, been rough. All the simple stuff is not really happening for me at the moment. Today I was scheduled to attend a training event with my colleagues from work. 10 minute drive. We all used our sat navs. They all got there, I did not. I drove round for an hour and ended up at a farm, rather than the building I was headed for.
‘You have arrived at your destination’
No, I’ve arrived at a cattle shed.
The frustration from this for me comes from the fact that we all used the same app and typed in the same thing. I even spent the time to check with a couple of colleagues before setting off. We all got the same results. How did everyone else get there? Why did this seemingly simple task elude me? Why was it just me that had to make the embarrassing apology to my employer? Events like these really get me down.
I’m trying not to let it get on top of me, as I’ve been working really hard on my self esteem, but in moments like these I feel exhausted and utterly worthless. Can anyone relate?
Really nice to see you around again, Oakling.
I can relate to that so much: putting more effort into getting something wrong than many do into getting it right. That kind of 'but how did everyone else just know?' moment has happened to me countless times. Can I produce a single example right now? No. Thanks, brain.
Oh, actually, I did have this thing earlier today where I had to go for a follow-up medical appointment. I'd been to the place in question in November, so basically a 6 month taking stock kind of thing.
I remembered what a mess of things I'd made in November, going into the wrong one of two related buildings next door to each other. I also remembered having got there only to be asked for a health insurance reference number that I'd stupidly overlooked and then had to try and access an email with that on it only to have my phone die on me and having to scrounge the use of a receptionist's charger. All really faffy and embarrassing. So this time I thought, 'OK, be ready, nothing left to chance this time'. Had my reference number ready, got there in time... good start. Then, because my head was in the clouds today, I walked into the wrong building just like last time. Then sort of woke up and exited before anyone saw me. But then found out in the 'right' building that this time it was the right one. The doctor yo-yos between premises depending on... reasons (day of the week or something). So I apologise (why? lifelong habit I suppose), go back to the now-right 'wrong' building, get to the reception desk. OK, at least I have my reference number this time... Pleasant and helpful secretary says 'Sorry, but you should have two of those. General and specific appointment.' The low phone charge email hoking scenario repeats itself in full. Deja vu squared.
Still, I got attending the appointment, but not without getting in a total muddle. Ah well. The day's been kind to me in other ways, so we'll call that incident the flaw in the Persian rug.
Thanks Shardovan. It’s nice to hear from you. I have stopped myself posting so many times recently. But hear I am again.
Oh the example you gave is exactly the sort of ridiculous experience I was trying to articulate. Sometime it feels like I owe the world an apology for simply existing!
But you’re right to try and reflect on the positive moments throughout the day too. I was not doing that, but am trying now. Or will be once my ears cool down a bit (sign of embarrassment, anxiety and frustration for me).