A revelation about getting on with people

Whereas I'm marshmallow covered in a thick layer of hard and brutal. Numerous people have said 'you're totally different when I get to know you, you're actually very kind.' Duh.

Thanks, I wish real life people thought that instead of avoiding me like the plague.

I try to be friendly and I want to be social and conversational and enjoy consequential and inconsequential chat and conversation. No matter how much I prepare or dont prepare - learn or unlearn - there are occasions where I am simplyunable to speak or think in front of others. I dont want to offend others but it is like not having the capacity to see or not having a hand or a having a paralysed leg. Sorry if that seems inappropriate. If the basic equipment is  there, it doesnt work. My mind closes down. My speech is erratic or selfconscious and halting  - eg embarrasing inability to form sentences naturally. You can see the other person suddenly realising - 'oh hello, this one is a nutter'. As a little boy I was just described as 'shy' - which was an attempt to understand and contain the odd behaviour. I think 'shy' is supposed to have connotations of 'cute' and 'humble'. Well I was much further out than they thought and not waving but drowning. I have generally harboured strong feelings of antipathy towards humanity at times. The misanthropy is probably due to the intense pain and inability to relate.I'm a little better at it now after decades of ineptness  - partly because you learn mechanically how to chitchat and get on with people. But I am always trying to get far away from other people. I have very limited resilience. I can quickly feel isolated and confused in company (even with family / friends etc - this condition does not recognise or adapt to those who are close. I will find intense, awkward talking to myself - 'how do I get out of this - I am panicking - help.' This alienation effect causes some kind of profound emotional 'wound' which then requires me to recuperate. The weekly pattern used to be reflect a cycle of pain/ healing. The clasical pattern was that monday was a good energised day. Tuesday was chugging along on the diminishing levels of 'fuel' in the tank. Wednesday was the turning point where I felt alittle more worn out than 'alive'. Thursday was  struggle and then Friday was robotic with running on air, fake smiles, inner torture, heart racing, etc. Saturday was a shutdown day for recovery. Sunday was relatively light and pleasant and actually feeling refreshed - before the cycle returned to its doomladen journey of the week starting on monday. That's more or less gone. I cant even do the Mon-Fri anymore - I feel more knackered more quickly. You cant get on with people with that character and pattern of behaviour. Pofessional work is restricted because of this inescapable inability to sustain anything. You only just manage to get from one point to another - and that - like getting on with someone - is a fairly rare miracle. 

I agree with you mia

that's meee, I like sitting in silence or doing practical things w people, but chit chat is the worrstttt. hate making stuff up. unless the person I'm talking to is very dedicated to carrying the convo and doesn't mind my awkwardness.

or unless I'm genuinely interested in that person (sounds rude but ‍)

By the time I hit my twenties, I'd realised everyone else was "playing the game" by different rules to me, and that I was not comprehending their rules, or that those rules were non-sensical to my perspective. When my isolation and constant disappointment grew too much to bear, I eventually grew so mad that I made a half hearted attempt to kill myself in my mid twenties..

I was lucky enough to find (or be led to) the book "Games People Play" by a guy called Eric Berne. Reading and understanding some of that book literally saved my bacon, and gave me a toe hold in the normie world.. I did not find out that I was Autistic for another 35 years, so did not know why thigs were teh way they were for me, just that I needed soem tools to deal with other people, who all seemd to bcome equipped with built in insights that I didn't have.  

I got on seemingly much better in normie world when I was deceitful and uncaring, than I did when I grew a conscience, I can tell you that! I was super popular at one point, the social hub of a large group of people.

All the time, masking frantically.. Normie world is hard and brutal covered in a thick layer of marshmallow. (Or something else that is soft and sticky, anyway)

That's great news. Just from reading the experiences you share with us all, Kiki, I know your family are blessed to have you. You sound such a strong, positive and loving human being who has faced so much and yet still remains authentic and compassionate. 

They don't betray you, and you always know where you stand with cats.

That is SO true!!

Agree with yoh I really just want to get to the point and then move on...

I'm om with some small talk but when it comes to talking g about the weather.... well that's just too far!!

He is quite a bit better, he's done some days at work, and has this week off. Next week I suppose he'll do some more days in the office. I feel less like the single mum of two kids now, I'm getting my husband back.

Thank you.

How is he keeping lately? Is he feeling any better? x

I can't follow this damm board. Do you mean how I met my husband? I was pretty lucky. I think we don't acknowledge how great a part luck plays in our lives.

I wish the comments were more clearly linked.

I kind of agree with you but again with reservations. Events like when friends/ relatives die horribly, or people are murdered or abused etc. If these things happen, they are undeniably bad and there's no interpreting or growing.

Such as, my friend's one year old baby died suddenly in his cot. How is that positive or a source of learning or growing? It's just awful. 

My dad died horribly from leukaemia when I was 13, the same as above.

The Manchester Ariana Grande concert bombing, the same as above.

I think some events are just negative, nothing positive about them.

Minor events in life, maybe, but seeing everything as neutral would lead to people shrugging and saying 'oh well, let's not tighten gun laws' or whatever.

I don't attract the same people as you, I just attract weirdos. People who have weird habits, tell me I'm perfect one day and evil the next, want me to solve all their problems etc.

e.g. one guy kept giving me weird fanfic gifts, I didn't even know him.

I keep away from those types of people now if possible.

Most of my friends ARE women. There are plenty of understanding ones. However, I also attract the Codependent Control-Freaks. Perhaps it reflects on me, as well.

I'm at an age where the ones my age I know have health issues. Men also. A guy I go for walks with had ME. Sometimes he's too tired to walk with me, but we do enjoy each other's company.

At my age, you have a radar for detecting BS. 

That's beautiful to hear. An inspiration in fact!

Yes, you're absolutely right, Kiki. Things just happen. How we interpret them is what makes our experience positive or negative. There is something to learn and a source of growth for us in every experience. Someone once said that nothing is good or bad, but only as good or bad as our interpretation of it. 

I didn't even know what masking was until a couple of years ago when I was researching for my assessment.

I probably did it a little but it felt like I was a fraud. If I was being myself it would sometimes be awkward or uncomfortable.

But I don't even know what I am, so how can I pretend to be something else?

But on the whole, I just acted like myself at any given moment, take it or leave it. The masking/unmasking probably left me frustrated and argumentative. I grew to quite enjoy rubbing people up the wrong way. I basically felt I was surrounded by morons, and I let everyone know about it.

I suppose as a defence or coping mechanism I used abrasiveness and outspokenness rather than masking.

I was very vocal about the terms 'Be true to yourself", or "Be yourself"

That's fine, unless you are actually being yourself. Then people don't like it.

F*ck 'em.

You see, I would say an awful lot of people I come across are wrapped up in their own world. People who i wouldnt assume to be autistic. But I think the difference is they are able to talk about other things, whereas sometimes for autistic people it's more difficult other than things they are interested in.

Definitely some advantage in being oblivious to others! Would you say you mask a lot? I get the impression you don't so much... For me, I do and often take time afterwards going over things trying to work them out.