Published on 12, July, 2020
I've come across the term 'masking' a few times, and I did a little google search. I'm still not sure I fully understand it.
The general understanding I have is "faking it to fit in". Ronnie Pinder talks about it here https://livingautism.com/autistic-fatigue
Wow. My whole life explained. Continuous watching of others, mimicking them, rehearsing 'normal' behaviour and making excuses for being exhausted due to sensory overstimulation. And utterly failing at every one of the above. Two phrases I've heard throughout my life, "You're not normal." "You're weird." And turning myself inside out in an attempt to be 'normal' and 'not weird'.
Yep. School was awful for me because I was putting on a front while pushing everything down inside. I knew something was wrong - my family wouldn't accept it when I tried to tell them (they had their own issues but my father was 100% on the spectrum - no diagnostic test required).
I got through years of work masking and spent every evening exhausted. Remote working has been a boon for me because interactions with people are in manageable chunks - if I've had a draining call with a colleague I can literally step back, go downstairs, make a brew, play with the cat and give myself time to recover. I don't have to struggle to switch off from other people's conversations because there's not this constant stimulus and flow of other people around me.
If only someone had asked me years ago what was really going on, instead of assuming I just needed to try harder.
What's worse is people don't realise the incredible amount of energy it takes to keep it up until too late - with burn-out just on the horizon.
Another edge is that life becomes infinitely more complicated as we get older - relationships, kids, mortgages, pensions etc. so our simplistic 'get me through the day' mask can't cover all bases. We start to look more odd as we get older - we can't adapt fast enough to keep hiding in plain sight. Camouflage failure.