Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been in one relationship that lasted 8 months, during which I didn't know I was autistic
Throughout the whole thing I cared about him but I always just felt awkward, and acted awkward. I never really had anything to say, we kind of just sat in silence most of the time watching tv or a movie. I can't make conversation and that is a huge part of a relationship, talking.
I don't think I'll ever be able to have a proper, successful relationship because I'm too awkward and never have much to say, which probably makes the whole thing weird. I loved being in a relationship and really want intimacy, I just don't think I can keep a bond with someone for long because I ruin it with how weird I am. I think I'll end up lonely forever, which I really don't want.
What can I do to stop ruining all my relationships by being awkward and quiet? I don't want to be alone
Being alone isn't so bad. There are times where it gets difficult, but they pass just like other forms of hunger.
You're hard on yourself, but forgetting that a relationship is two people, so it's nonsensical to blame only yourself. The fact that he's clearly not a saint. That's what my experience of ASD relationships are; we deify the other person, like they were the most perfect person in the world, & ignore all their bad qualities.
You're going to need time, & self - forgiveness before you can look at what happened, properly. Also, one relationship going sour doesn't mean you'll be "lonely forever". You can be that, only if you choose to be.
Relationships are as complex as the diagnosis of asd. There is none the same all you can hope for is some semblance of happiness in your life