Am I to blame?

Good morning all,
How is everyone?
Hope all is well with you and your family and friends.
After all that has been said and done.
Unfortunately, I had my 'wake-up call'. My time and luck had run out. I tried to convince that everything was ok and that things can go back to the way things used to be. However, I was sadly mistaken.
After months of going back and forth. I am sorry to say that I am not 'victorious'. Things suddenly became to an abrupt end. I didn't force or overstep the mark. I was trying to be mindful and thoughtful. But, it wasn't enough.
With this revelation it has taken me back and has left me in such a state. Words alone cannot fully describe how I am feeling. It is earth-shattering and soul crushing. As much as I try not to take things personally you still feel the affects.
I ask myself what could I have done or said differently? Would it of made any difference? Before, I use to take care of myself whether it be how I appear or anything like that. Since that time, I have comfort ate, slept to switch off or been less inactive with any hobbies or interest, not engaging with others.
Besides that, I am aware I have gained weight which doesn't make me happy. To add to that, others making comments. I use to take some pride and I use to trust and confine in others . But now that has significantly changed.
I have lost all hope and pleasure in life in general and my life. Nothing could prepare for something like this to occur. I wasn't expecting miracles or a round of applause. That is not what I was looking for. I ask myself numerous times...
How did I get things so wrong and be so mistaken? To think or believed that, being honest was the right thing.
It was the first and only time I expressed that 'I care for someone' ever. After that, I knew that I will never make that error again. There will not be a next time.
I haven't been my usual self for some time. Plus, all the other added pressures or expectations. I have not been able to grasp or take control in the way I anticipated or hoped. The last month, has been struggle. That's when I realised that it was a losing battle there was no coming back from it.
My outlook or purpose in life has dramatically changed. I have no aims or ambitions. It sounds maybe extreme because of one individual. But, that person was more than that to me. It was the first time, I felt that someone could accept or understand me. I shared things with this person I don't even share with family.
Looking back, I know that there is no one else quite like that. It tears me apart knowing I have lost someone so special and who meant a great deal. Only for that, to discontinue. My existence is compromised.
There is no second chance or anything like that. I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
If I was in a situation a couple of years younger. I probably would tell myself not to go ahead relinquishing yourself for the sake of one person. More so, not to wear your heart on your sleeve. Lesson learned.
Thank you for your time.
Have a good day, take care and be safe.
  • Yesterday I did some work on my attic, it didn't go very well. I discovered some extra work. I thought it was all going to be for nothing.

    When my mother had an epileptic attack in my house and I held her until the ambulance came, the days after I had a nervous breakdown. 

    In retrospect because I took things a bit too personal and serious. 

    Now is the most important to take some distance, some things are not meant to be, nothing lasts for ever. It's a thing you can't protect yourself from.There's also good things going to happen in the future. Being honest was the right thing to do, you just didn't meet the right person. If something happens once, it will happen again. And it will be different.