My partner and I moved in at the same time as next door moved into their house. When they first moved in, I felt the lady in particular was trying too hard to be my best friend right away. I don't work like that. It takes me ages to decide if someone is a friend and that's because I want them to be not because it's forced upon me. She talks A LOT and is hard to get away from. She also is a know it all which i find incredibly difficult. Anyway, 18 months later we all get on (not bezzie mates though), and I'm really grateful to have GOOD respectful neighbours as I know you can't choose them. She's at home all day with her baby. I understand she gets bored but that's not my fault. It's just, she often asks me in for a brew if i see her. I've done it a few times to keep things ticking over, not cos I wanted to, but end up staying far too long. It's like I'm trapped.
I went round the other day to get a parcel after work. I was shattered, it was my first week back in work for almost 3 months. She even said how tired I looked. She asked me several times to stay for tea but I politely declined. I was still there over half an hour. She said several times near the end "we should have had that cup of tea after all. I'll ask you next time and you'll say yes and you'll stay even if you only drink half". (She is foreign so it wasn't as forceful as it sounds, it's how she uses English language). It doesn't matter what I say I can't get away.
There's just no concept of bending to other people's needs or saying "hello, here's your parcel, goodbye". How do I manage these situations?? I'm a very passive person and slowly learning to be more assertive but when I'm caught off guard or really tired and have less brain power I don't know how to manage it.
I can see where you're coming from in that it's a good idea to "flip it" to my advantage. But there are a few things I would like to say on this matter...
Yes i find some social situations hard but I don't actually feel I need practise socialising! I am who I am.
Therapy. I find talking about my problems difficult even with close friends. It's hard to talk to someone about your problems when they're always aiming for one upmanship and advice given is in the form of telling you, and that they ALWAYS know best. It's also hard when you talk about things and they turn it round to be about themselves.
Please don't feel I'm poo-pooing your advice. As I've got older my perspective is changing and I always try to see the good in people and the benefits of a situation. It would be different if I wanted to become friends with her rather than having it put upon me.
its ok I understand
--- i would recommend 7cups.com. you can create a free account there and choose a pathway eg anxiety or frendship or socialising or depression. I cant remember if ASD/ASC is there or not.
Once u have an account you can request a Listener and talk live a listener using IM. I found it good when I was down.
it is completely anonymous (Listener and you). U will be asked to feedback on ur listener. Tip : only give positive feedback unless someone completely upsets u.
if u are up to it u can do the online training and become a Listener where u listen and empathise with people like u this is where i learnt so much about Mental Health.
This organisation is global so u can talk to people from all round the world.
I no longer use 7cups.com because I am no longer in depression or have bad anxiety. 7cups.com HQ is in California USA.
poo poo me anytime u like :)
Thanks for the links I might have a look! Having an anonymous impartial person to speak to must have really helped you.
Active listening is a really useful skill to have. I did a counselling and mental health course and we learned how to actively listen and empathise with others. It takes practise! My friend said I'm really good at it.... Maybe that's why my neighbour likes talking to me so much! Haha.
I mentioned to someone at work that I can't have a conversation and do a task at the same time. She completely understood. I love what she said next. "People really underestimate the value of silence".
Personal past experiences leave me thinking if people are too pushy their after something. I had to move to get rid of a neighbour. I'm left traumatised and cynical. Where I live now I has to talk to the police about a stalker, verbally abusive neighbour. Turns out he had a history of rape accusation so it wasent just me being anxious! Fast forward 3 years and he seems to have given up watching me and following me. (I spoke to the council and no longer leave my bins with everyone elses in the alley as he would follow me. I leave them outside my house) we have the same delivery people so I know he yelled to take my parcel when I was out! I've left a note on the front door explaining who to leave the parcel with only. In my e experience too pushy people have an agenda
you would be an idea volunteer for 7cups.com or the Samartians
it would be a good idea to add something to your profile so people can interact better with u here
Gordon Bennett !
This sounds awful - I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I think some people are genuinely just very extroverted and desperately want to make friends, but it is important to be cautious with new people.
I'm glad he seems to have given up now. It must have been very scary.
That must have been terrible and very frightening for you mouse2. Mostly these days you can leave delivery notes when you order something where it should be left if you aren't in. I think you can set something up with royal mail too.
This is why I appreciate having good neighbours as we do look out for each other. They're not bad people. Their agenda is just to make friends.
I hope you are feeling safer these days.
Yes, I read about that study too. I think they even found that the reason doesn’t have to make sense, just as long as you give one and use the word “because” e.g. When queuing at the post office, saying “Please can I squeeze in because my dog’s name is Frodo?” works! I’ve never had the audacity to try that, but it’s something to do with how NTs’ brains respond to a “justified” request. Don’t think it works on us as we’re far too rational!
It's good to know I wasn't imagining the memory of having heard about it :-). It would be interesting to see an experiment done to test how ASD affects people's processing of the request - I'm sure it must!