Published on 12, July, 2020
My partner and I moved in at the same time as next door moved into their house. When they first moved in, I felt the lady in particular was trying too hard to be my best friend right away. I don't work like that. It takes me ages to decide if someone is a friend and that's because I want them to be not because it's forced upon me. She talks A LOT and is hard to get away from. She also is a know it all which i find incredibly difficult. Anyway, 18 months later we all get on (not bezzie mates though), and I'm really grateful to have GOOD respectful neighbours as I know you can't choose them. She's at home all day with her baby. I understand she gets bored but that's not my fault. It's just, she often asks me in for a brew if i see her. I've done it a few times to keep things ticking over, not cos I wanted to, but end up staying far too long. It's like I'm trapped.
I went round the other day to get a parcel after work. I was shattered, it was my first week back in work for almost 3 months. She even said how tired I looked. She asked me several times to stay for tea but I politely declined. I was still there over half an hour. She said several times near the end "we should have had that cup of tea after all. I'll ask you next time and you'll say yes and you'll stay even if you only drink half". (She is foreign so it wasn't as forceful as it sounds, it's how she uses English language). It doesn't matter what I say I can't get away.
There's just no concept of bending to other people's needs or saying "hello, here's your parcel, goodbye". How do I manage these situations?? I'm a very passive person and slowly learning to be more assertive but when I'm caught off guard or really tired and have less brain power I don't know how to manage it.
I feel for you - I have been in this situation & the most recent examples I can think of are at work where a meeting between say me and one other ceases being productive and goes round in circles, and/or exhausts me. It always amazes me how the other person seems oblivious. For example, I'll say "I have to leave at 2:45 because I have a dentist's appointment, and at 2:40 they're still talking and asking if they can cover "just one more thing". Although it's hard, I've started to develop the ability to simply say "I have to go" and leave.
One thing that may be worth trying, is to use a trick that I seem to remember has been verified by experiments, in that if you use the word "because" in your final sentence, people give way irrespective of what comes next. It was verified in cases where people are queuing - someone not in the queue goes somewhere close to the front and asks if they can squeeze in. The squeezer has measurably more success if they say "Can I squeeze in please because I need to" than if they simply say "Can I squeeze in please?"
And saying "I'm going now because I need to" is true in any case! I've used it a few times & it has worked, at least for me (I may have left a trail of consternation behind me, but I'm not sure that I care :-) )
I've learned a lot of people are oblivious so you have to be direct. I find it hard as I feel I'm being rude. But there's a difference between being rude and being assertive! You're getting there by the sounds of it. It's hard but I'm sure the more you do it, the easier it gets. I feel for you having to attend meetings which cease being productive. The purpose of a meeting is to be productive! Several times during our class break, I've had my assistant talk non stop from when the students leave to when they get back. Then moan she hasn't had chance to have a drink! This incessant talking is one of the reasons I think contributed to me being off with anxiety as there was just no down time. I have strategies in place now though!
Another one was a tutor who kept me behind after class with her talking. (I go home when class is finished). I learned the hard way....I was there for 45 minutes! There's a lot of talk about people on the spectrum not reading body language. She isn't on the spectrum and couldn't take the hint. After realising I may be on the spectrum I wondered if my own body language wasn't strong enough. I finally figured her out. Once I made my way toward the door. She continued. was standing in the doorway for 5 minutes and she still continued! I was out of the room on the other side if the open door. She continued! In the end I walked off. She was still talking to me from her room as I was walking down the corridor!!
I love your advice using "because I need to". They can't really then say "why do you need to?"as that'd be rude wouldn't it. I'm going to try it tomorrow!! It's assertive and closes the he interaction down.
P.s.don't bother about the trail of consternation. That's their problem not yours!