I’m not one for looking back on my life. To be honest, I never learned the knack of it, nor did I understand the point of looking back. I didn’t really get it.
But looking back, is something I seem to suddenly be able to do now, and it’s helping me. It has taken a lot of encouragement and support as well as guidance, from my work coach at the job centre and all my support workers and my psychiatrist, and lots of practice and at times, blind faith.
But it paid off, because now, when I think, it’s all too much, I’m not where I want to be and it seems too far away, I simply remind myself, I have just experienced a major, major burnout, and I’ve had two years just laying on my back. So my 5 minutes of physical exercise each day, whatever it is, is blinking marvellous, and over time, I’ll get back to not only running 7 miles in a morning, but many more and all the other stuff and more as well.
There is so much from my past that I can bring forward. I don’t have to leave it all behind and one of the things I’m bringing with me, is the knowledge that I can do this. I’ve done it before. And this time. Whatever I do, it’s built on a solid foundation. The clear knowledge of who I am. So it will remain. Whatever I build, will carry whatever comes it’s way.
So, it seems I can look back and make use of the past. I was all for leaving it all behind but my support workers helped me to keep some of it. And I know why, now. Some of the past is useful. I can let go of all that is no longer useful. I can let it all go with love, knowing, it has fulfilled its purpose. And make way for the new. But bring with me, my strengths and the skills I learned. I can put them to better use and integrate them with my new self awareness, to create a more peaceful and stable, yet no less exciting life.
I’m pretty amazed actually, when I look back over my life, at how I ever got by! Lol! There’s got to have been a lot of skills being utilised to get me through those days of being in the wilderness, which was often very dark. Some little light, that at times, was invisible, got me through though. And now I’m out of the wilderness, I can see for myself. And despite appearances, all I see is love.
I don’t have much tolerance for being around people. I always end up telling them what to do. They’re like teddies, to me! They need lining up and telling what to do, if they’re going to be any use at all ~ in my little world
But I love interacting, deeply and wholly, with people I meet, when I’m out and about. I can just blurt out whatever’s on my mind or in my heart and often it leads to some wonderful moments and lots and lots of learning and expanding of my heart and mind. Some times, there’s an undeniable perfect flow of love. It’s like a mutual exchange of love, that makes you think, this is what love feels like. And you, and the other person or persons, walk away, with an undeniable feeling of immense joy and we don’t know quite why. It’s a beautiful experience.
My life might not look ordinary, because it’s not. It’s extra ordinary. That’s what happens when you live from the heart and not the mind. Even the simple act of washing some dishes, can be a truly wonderful experience, when you’re present with it, in the moment, in the heart and not in the mind. The way the hands work together and the way they move, so gracefully, is truly mesmerising. You don’t need thoughts or ballets! Watching your hands at work is like watching a ballet. It’s like poetry in motion ️
I think I’m maybe doing what they call, ‘making peace with the past’? I’ve never really understood all these little sayings people seem to say sometimes. But I think I’m actually doing that now. I think I’m making peace with the past. It feels like the next phase of acceptance and integration of the diagnosis and the new self awareness that I’ve gained, that I’m now experiencing.
Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water, is another one of those sayings, that I think I understand now. I can let go of all that wasn’t or is no longer helpful, from my past, but there’s lots of good stuff that I can keep and use.
It’s a nice feeling. Making peace with the past. Who knew?!?! Lol!
I have to say well done to you, but I'm not sure I'm ready to look too far back,.
Look back at your past, trust me it makes you feel passionate for yourself with a few tears. It improved my mental health so much as I thought mainly about the positives and how the negatives have made me a better person.
I'd agree. 38 years without any understanding, lots of traumatic events, mistakes, mental illness, and a suicide attempt.
The suicide attempt was the turning point, it led to the chain of events that got me diagnosed. I'm so glad I woke up on my kitchen floor alive that afternoon.
The way I've come to terms with my past, through understanding my autism, has really changed my outlook. I've come out much stronger, and less confused.
Ditto and I’m so glad you did wake up that afternoon on your kitchen floor ️I think we’re all blinking marvellous to come through what we’ve come through and to me, the most important thing is that we’ve come through it with not only our hearts and minds in tact, but the mind is clearer than ever and the heart is more loving, kinder and more compassionate than ever before. It’s probably not that we’re kinder, but that we have broken through the glass barrier that kept us separate from everyone, including ourselves.
I watched a documentary on broadmoor the other day and one of the guys they were filming was autistic. They’ve really helped this guy and his attitude towards it all, made me think, only an autistic person could have that outlook. There is something very special that happens in the mind of an autistic person. I can’t describe it. I feel like I want to say we’re special, but we’re not, we’re no more special than anybody else, but there is definitely something very unique about our make up, the way we’re wired, that enables us to have a very unique outlook on life, which is definitely very special.
It’s our time to shine in the world and to show people how life is really done
Do you ever plan out what your going to say like a script but for every possible answer to a simple question you’re asking, the anxiety around rejection affects me majorly.
Even a question like can you turn the music off will take me a few minutes to conjure up the question.
I’m very conscious of what people think of me even though their thoughts and opinions wouldn’t affect my actions. I don’t know why I do this, this is the kind of stuff that impacts me daily.
BlueRay said:Ditto and I’m so glad you did wake up that afternoon on your kitchen floor
Thank you Blue! I still look at that patch where I woke up, and just think "this is where it all started getting better". Funny how a patch of lino in my own house is something profund now! I want new lino, but well, it's a strangely comforting thing to look at!
BlueRay said:️I think we’re all blinking marvellous to come through what we’ve come through and to me, the most important thing is that we’ve come through it with not only our hearts and minds in tact, but the mind is clearer than ever and the heart is more loving, kinder and more compassionate than ever before. It’s probably not that we’re kinder, but that we have broken through the glass barrier that kept us separate from everyone, including ourselves.
I think anyone who can work something without "the instructions", deserves credit. I was lucky to be diagnosed at 38, there are people here who had to wait even longer!
I think now we are getting to know more about ourselves with this knowledge, it really can be transformative.
BlueRay said:I watched a documentary on broadmoor the other day and one of the guys they were filming was autistic. They’ve really helped this guy and his attitude towards it all, made me think, only an autistic person could have that outlook. There is something very special that happens in the mind of an autistic person. I can’t describe it. I feel like I want to say we’re special, but we’re not, we’re no more special than anybody else, but there is definitely something very unique about our make up, the way we’re wired, that enables us to have a very unique outlook on life, which is definitely very special.
I think you say, the wiring can be a force to be reckoned with! I had so many things that became a habit, or a routine, some were quite negative, it's been a challenge to change them, but when you put that energy into a new place, with the knowledge you gain, things can be so different. It's great exploring where I can move my focus, and energy.
I was with a friend on Saturday, and we saw a guy from the good old bad old days. My friend was a DA for most of his adult life, but he started getting clean in the same time as I began to confront my demons. We've helped each other along at times, and he's came along in leaps and bounds. The guy said "You got this f****r on the straight and narrow now?". It really irked me. He was on Heroin, but I was a drunken, benzodiazepine addicted functioning closet addict, in denial of the real issue that was troubling me, so I wasn't on any good path myself. It was the sheer condescention that got me. I said "No, this f****r did it himself, all of it", and walked off. It was like the guy resented him for it. My friend was happy to see him, and he just scowled and came out with something like that. He'd never done anything to him either, nor anyone else. He was a stand up guy even as an addict. Just seeing him happy seemed to trigger a pretty nasty reaction.
He got his "instruction manual" read it, and it got the guy mad. I know it's a different "life changing event", but I can see how these things change people, and it's beautiful to watch. That reaction really shocked me though.
BlueRay said:It’s our time to shine in the world and to show people how life is really done
Here's to that!
Hehe yeah, I think it’s time we showed them how life is really meant to be lived! :)
And Yes, you did this yourself. I know exactly what you mean about developing bad habits, but we did the best we could at the time and now we’re doing even better and it’s not easy to turn round bad habits etc, but it’s easier than living with those bad habits and the isolation etc. And this way, at least we’re working towards a better future, even if it feels like the slow train sometimes, it’s better than being in the sea of confusion. And yes, I can see why that piece of Lino means so much :)