Published on 12, July, 2020
Acceptance
There is only one place where acceptance is to be found. It’s within the self. It is within and not without. But when we accept ourselves, from within, then this is reflected back to us, on the outside, through other people, and their acceptance of us.
This has been my experience and my journey to self acceptance started here. I arrived here, shortly after getting my diagnosis. I was suicidal and in desperate need of help and support.
I got that. A couple of people, accepted me right from the beginning and through to today. They didn’t have to understand what I was saying because they understood that I was here, like everybody else, to try and make sense of my world and to learn to live as me in this somewhat alien world. And they understood, that for me to do that, I had to express myself and my truth, and it wasn’t important what I said, but where it was coming from.
I know I’m not easy to understand and I know it often hurts people’s heads to try and understand me. But none of that matters, when somebody accepts you, just as you are. Because what we say is less important than where it is coming from.
The loving kindness and unconditional acceptance, that was given to me, gave me, not only the help and support I needed, but also the courage and confidence to dare to be me. And they were there to hold me when I tried and fell, several times, and they knew me better than me back then (and now, probably!) and were able to reassure me that it’s ok, this is part of the journey, you’re doing so well, take some rest, it’s ok.
And it’s evident to see, even on here, that now I accept myself, more people accept me also. Most people, I think, accept me on here now. The witch hunts and death threats to me etc, have lessened and become less severe as time rolls by and as I gathered more and more self acceptance.
Acceptance can only come from within me, but it was certainly encouraged and supported by the people here. As well as the people here providing me with vital information, that I couldn’t get anywhere else.
Autism is still a mystery to me and I’m happy for it to continue to be so. We don’t need to know everything, or at least I don’t. The diagnosis gave me all the answers I had ever wanted to know and the awareness is still unfolding. This means I can end my search. I got everything I ever wanted, with that diagnosis. The rest is up to me. What I do with it. And while I’ve got breathe in my body, I’m going to enjoy every minute of my new life, with all its twists and turns and ups and downs.
I finally understand what the Buddha meant when talking about taking the middle road and about being in the world and not of it.
I’ve never been of this world, and most autistic people aren’t. We’re closer to the source than we are our physical selves, whether we’re aware of it or not. And that is infinitely more beautiful than anything the world of forms could ever give us. What we see with our eyes and perceive with our senses, are merely reflections of reality. They’re not reality. Reality exists within you. In your heart. And when you’re in alignment with that, it is reflected back to you from the outside world.
People are being much friendlier towards me and around me and I realised, it’s because I’m becoming more friendly to myself. I still have my automatic autistic responses/reactions within me. Some I will be able to change, over time, and some I’ll most likely never be able change. I still have moments of what I can only call emotion, where I have some tears, but not the heart wrenching tears that I used to cry, but I accept and reaccept these traits in me with openness, love, caring, acceptance, understanding, kindness, gentleness and a new one, friendliness, as many times as I need to.
I learned about friendships, for the first time in my life, through going to my weekly autism group. I learned to love the people there, especially my three friends who I sit with, and I loved them even more for their traits and their little peculiarities. That forced me to love and accept myself and to love myself even more for my traits and peculiarities. Because if my love for them was true and real, and I identified with them, then I must, if my love is true, therefore love and accept myself. And there was born in me my love for myself and the birth of self acceptance occurred shortly after.
I didn’t start to fly from that day, but with the continued love and support of my friends on here and all the rest and my friends at my autism group, my support workers and the job centre etc, my family have all magically come back to me, as if I or they, have never been away and that period between me asking for the assessment until now, is what it is, it’s in the past. It’s just a lovely ball of nothingness, floating away like the morning mist. Leaving only love and even stronger family ties, although ironically, I still see less of them than I ever did before, but I feel closer to them and more appreciative of them than ever before and my veil of judgements, that I long held about them, are slowly lifting, to reveal the beautiful people that they actually are!
Even Jesus was right. Know thyself, and the truth will set you free. Freedom is all I ever wanted. And freedom is what I got ️️
Life is finally slowing down, to my pace, or maybe I’m just getting in synch with life and that life was always meant to be taken at this leisurely, easy pace, cultivating and expressing nothing but love, through the universal language of love. Words have power, as do thoughts, but thoughts and words of love, are the most powerful of all, despite appearances to the contrary sometimes.
It’s not the villain who wins in the end, but the man who dares to live by love, and not hate and fear.
Totally.... and you know BlueRay why I highlight that statement in particular.
i am so pleased that you have recognised your pace as you engage with the world, you have also learnt to be kinder and more forgiving towards yourself and not just to others and that is key.
we have all had our crazy life journeys and stumble on knots as well as ask “why me”... but life shows us the things we need to learn and some cycles repeat as we haven’t grasped a particular lesson we have been shown.
At times we push forward in beautiful and amazing ways, in others we’re stuck, slumped, blinded, beaten down.. waiting for support, or the light to fall on the correct path ahead or the strength to return to our feet and nurse our bruised knees before we press ahead.
For me this is a year of judgement or assessment if you like - a possible court case later in the year, the outcome of my autism assessment, the completion of a first year in a new job, the judgement of others as to how from very outside my world and looking in I have navigated these experiences.
i am practising self care, I have reached out and received huge support which I am immensely grateful for, these things help to balance the challenges and help me to remain grounded.
This year marks the start of new things and the beginning of new adventures. From my knowledge now of who I am and what I am still discovering of a self that has been hidden behind masks and behaviours adopted to suit the needs of others first... I’m taking it easy, mindful not to rush...but feeling reassured...
I hope to shed those learnt NT indicators of success, belonging, or being what is “expected” and be more truly me.
x
Well said, as always, and yes, thankfully, I seem to be finding a much slower and more natural pace just now, although it's still a work in progress and the sleepless nights try their best to derail me, but they're not, I just do my best to make the most of them!
And yes, I understand why you highlighted the villain thing and this was a big one for me as well, because growing up, the media, tv and films etc, always kind of made the villain out to be the good guy and the one who wins out in the end (in my mind anyway) but I've realised that, that is just not true and it's true love, humility and compassion that wins out in the end.
I must say, although I know that life is probably far from peaceful for you right now, you've got an amazing approach to it all ~ I'm blown away ~ and it has really touched my heart. Seriously, you're doing amazingly well
And yes, over time, I think we will shed all those NT learned indicators of success and belonging etc and then we can teach the new ways back to them and really get this show on the road ️
I'm not sure what it is you have said, specifically, but whatever it is, I'm starting my day (yes, still in bed ) with a really good feeling that I can't name, but one that I really like :)
I love your annalysis and approach to your Year this year. I love how you've got it all sussed out ~ I know you still have to live it etc but mind set is key, and you've really got this. I'm really proud of you. It must be that super quick thinking mind of yours that is able to take information in and put it to use accordingly, at lightening speed. Knowing what you've been through and going through, this is really amazing. I'm so happy for you and so proud of you and it feels like another step forward in humanity ~ I know that sounds dramatic, but anybody who comes through N abuse is definitely making a mark on humanity because as we know, that's no easy fete, getting away and getting away with not only the heart in tact, but happier, stronger and healthier than ever yet before, you would think we would be be the oposite, bitter, hurt and anything but loving. That's what amazes me, how we come through it with our heart in check ️... and a new job to boot as well. Have you ever heard of Wonder Woman? ~ I think you're secretly related :)