Published on 12, July, 2020
Acceptance
There is only one place where acceptance is to be found. It’s within the self. It is within and not without. But when we accept ourselves, from within, then this is reflected back to us, on the outside, through other people, and their acceptance of us.
This has been my experience and my journey to self acceptance started here. I arrived here, shortly after getting my diagnosis. I was suicidal and in desperate need of help and support.
I got that. A couple of people, accepted me right from the beginning and through to today. They didn’t have to understand what I was saying because they understood that I was here, like everybody else, to try and make sense of my world and to learn to live as me in this somewhat alien world. And they understood, that for me to do that, I had to express myself and my truth, and it wasn’t important what I said, but where it was coming from.
I know I’m not easy to understand and I know it often hurts people’s heads to try and understand me. But none of that matters, when somebody accepts you, just as you are. Because what we say is less important than where it is coming from.
The loving kindness and unconditional acceptance, that was given to me, gave me, not only the help and support I needed, but also the courage and confidence to dare to be me. And they were there to hold me when I tried and fell, several times, and they knew me better than me back then (and now, probably!) and were able to reassure me that it’s ok, this is part of the journey, you’re doing so well, take some rest, it’s ok.
And it’s evident to see, even on here, that now I accept myself, more people accept me also. Most people, I think, accept me on here now. The witch hunts and death threats to me etc, have lessened and become less severe as time rolls by and as I gathered more and more self acceptance.
Acceptance can only come from within me, but it was certainly encouraged and supported by the people here. As well as the people here providing me with vital information, that I couldn’t get anywhere else.
Autism is still a mystery to me and I’m happy for it to continue to be so. We don’t need to know everything, or at least I don’t. The diagnosis gave me all the answers I had ever wanted to know and the awareness is still unfolding. This means I can end my search. I got everything I ever wanted, with that diagnosis. The rest is up to me. What I do with it. And while I’ve got breathe in my body, I’m going to enjoy every minute of my new life, with all its twists and turns and ups and downs.
I finally understand what the Buddha meant when talking about taking the middle road and about being in the world and not of it.
I’ve never been of this world, and most autistic people aren’t. We’re closer to the source than we are our physical selves, whether we’re aware of it or not. And that is infinitely more beautiful than anything the world of forms could ever give us. What we see with our eyes and perceive with our senses, are merely reflections of reality. They’re not reality. Reality exists within you. In your heart. And when you’re in alignment with that, it is reflected back to you from the outside world.
People are being much friendlier towards me and around me and I realised, it’s because I’m becoming more friendly to myself. I still have my automatic autistic responses/reactions within me. Some I will be able to change, over time, and some I’ll most likely never be able change. I still have moments of what I can only call emotion, where I have some tears, but not the heart wrenching tears that I used to cry, but I accept and reaccept these traits in me with openness, love, caring, acceptance, understanding, kindness, gentleness and a new one, friendliness, as many times as I need to.
I learned about friendships, for the first time in my life, through going to my weekly autism group. I learned to love the people there, especially my three friends who I sit with, and I loved them even more for their traits and their little peculiarities. That forced me to love and accept myself and to love myself even more for my traits and peculiarities. Because if my love for them was true and real, and I identified with them, then I must, if my love is true, therefore love and accept myself. And there was born in me my love for myself and the birth of self acceptance occurred shortly after.
I didn’t start to fly from that day, but with the continued love and support of my friends on here and all the rest and my friends at my autism group, my support workers and the job centre etc, my family have all magically come back to me, as if I or they, have never been away and that period between me asking for the assessment until now, is what it is, it’s in the past. It’s just a lovely ball of nothingness, floating away like the morning mist. Leaving only love and even stronger family ties, although ironically, I still see less of them than I ever did before, but I feel closer to them and more appreciative of them than ever before and my veil of judgements, that I long held about them, are slowly lifting, to reveal the beautiful people that they actually are!
Even Jesus was right. Know thyself, and the truth will set you free. Freedom is all I ever wanted. And freedom is what I got ️️
Life is finally slowing down, to my pace, or maybe I’m just getting in synch with life and that life was always meant to be taken at this leisurely, easy pace, cultivating and expressing nothing but love, through the universal language of love. Words have power, as do thoughts, but thoughts and words of love, are the most powerful of all, despite appearances to the contrary sometimes.
It’s not the villain who wins in the end, but the man who dares to live by love, and not hate and fear.
Yeah, music, the subtle signs, being me, where are we going etc etc ~ I can relate to all of that and yes, it's wonderful that we have places we can come together and meet up and help and support each other along the way because you're right, we are all at different stages but we still all have valuable insights and support etc that we can share with each other because it doesn't matter where on the journey we are, we are all and always will be, learning, and I've learned more about myself from coming here in the last 18 months than I have anywhere else! Peace ️
Well said, as always, and yes, thankfully, I seem to be finding a much slower and more natural pace just now, although it's still a work in progress and the sleepless nights try their best to derail me, but they're not, I just do my best to make the most of them!
And yes, I understand why you highlighted the villain thing and this was a big one for me as well, because growing up, the media, tv and films etc, always kind of made the villain out to be the good guy and the one who wins out in the end (in my mind anyway) but I've realised that, that is just not true and it's true love, humility and compassion that wins out in the end.
I must say, although I know that life is probably far from peaceful for you right now, you've got an amazing approach to it all ~ I'm blown away ~ and it has really touched my heart. Seriously, you're doing amazingly well
And yes, over time, I think we will shed all those NT learned indicators of success and belonging etc and then we can teach the new ways back to them and really get this show on the road ️
I'm not sure what it is you have said, specifically, but whatever it is, I'm starting my day (yes, still in bed ) with a really good feeling that I can't name, but one that I really like :)
I love your annalysis and approach to your Year this year. I love how you've got it all sussed out ~ I know you still have to live it etc but mind set is key, and you've really got this. I'm really proud of you. It must be that super quick thinking mind of yours that is able to take information in and put it to use accordingly, at lightening speed. Knowing what you've been through and going through, this is really amazing. I'm so happy for you and so proud of you and it feels like another step forward in humanity ~ I know that sounds dramatic, but anybody who comes through N abuse is definitely making a mark on humanity because as we know, that's no easy fete, getting away and getting away with not only the heart in tact, but happier, stronger and healthier than ever yet before, you would think we would be be the oposite, bitter, hurt and anything but loving. That's what amazes me, how we come through it with our heart in check ️... and a new job to boot as well. Have you ever heard of Wonder Woman? ~ I think you're secretly related :)
So much written above and from OrinocoFlo and ElephantInTheRoom fits into my thought/experience and something that identifies me as an individual is where music strikes a chord (no pun intended).
Always knowing I was different, enjoying my own company, interested in Engineering/Computer and happy with my worth then the brick wall came in 2017 (albeit to those who are aware of Autism/Aspergers the subtle signs were always there), with a few hedges to jump in 2009, 2011 and 2015.
I love my music, listening to it as well as attending live events which I now understand is part of my escape mechanism from all those NT's that do not accept me as I am but think I should be one of them because I do not look different.
For other adults with any condition, it is accepting what you have and who you are and finding the route to self appreciation. Thus, understanding that you are a system (engineer speak) what slows you down/breaks your normal operation and working out how to fix/maintain that for your benefit and having others around you that help to keep you living your life as you please.
NOTE - This may also apply to those with partners, parents and children.
What I see is wonderful, as I am finding, is that there are so many of us on this journey, some at the start, some in the middle and others at their destination and happy to help build the independent trips for everyone and providing a learning experience all the time.
I am very interested in those caught up with the legal system as I know how dreadful it can be for those with autism. Nearly killed me and was very unfair I believe
Totally.... and you know BlueRay why I highlight that statement in particular.
i am so pleased that you have recognised your pace as you engage with the world, you have also learnt to be kinder and more forgiving towards yourself and not just to others and that is key.
we have all had our crazy life journeys and stumble on knots as well as ask “why me”... but life shows us the things we need to learn and some cycles repeat as we haven’t grasped a particular lesson we have been shown.
At times we push forward in beautiful and amazing ways, in others we’re stuck, slumped, blinded, beaten down.. waiting for support, or the light to fall on the correct path ahead or the strength to return to our feet and nurse our bruised knees before we press ahead.
For me this is a year of judgement or assessment if you like - a possible court case later in the year, the outcome of my autism assessment, the completion of a first year in a new job, the judgement of others as to how from very outside my world and looking in I have navigated these experiences.
i am practising self care, I have reached out and received huge support which I am immensely grateful for, these things help to balance the challenges and help me to remain grounded.
This year marks the start of new things and the beginning of new adventures. From my knowledge now of who I am and what I am still discovering of a self that has been hidden behind masks and behaviours adopted to suit the needs of others first... I’m taking it easy, mindful not to rush...but feeling reassured...
I hope to shed those learnt NT indicators of success, belonging, or being what is “expected” and be more truly me.
x
It doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks of us, it’s an inside job. None of us are so important that we can’t be forgiven. But, self acceptance is a choice and it sounds like you’ve decided to not accept yourself. That’s a choice and we are all free to make our own choices and nobody can judge another person’s choice. I choose peace and happiness and as part of the bargain, I had to find self love and acceptance.
Returning to my old job, and people being attracted to me like iron filings to a magnet, and telling me they're glad to see me back, and telling me that they love me, has not enabled me to accept myself. I have done some awful things in my life. I have upset people. I have destroyed people. I cannot accept this.
All of these people now saying what they say does not assuage the guilt and shame I always feel.
And the hatred of myself.
That makes me a failure at self-acceptance. And that is what I am.
I accept that I cannot accept myself.
You know, OrinocoFlo, you and I are in a similar place. And we have been for a while. And I know I'm progressing, so I know you must be too.
Like you, awareness is unfolding gradually. I too, because of my support worker, recently realised that I really don't recognise my emotions. You and I are seeing the same things.
For example, wondering how we ever got this far without realising all these things?
However, the moment I wondered that, I suddenly became fully aware of what they mean when they talk about inner child work.
Because for the first time ever, I was suddenly not only struck by, but completely in awe of my little self. And not only me, but for every other autistic person on this planet, because autism is one weird trip.
But it's beautiful. I am integrating all the love and admiration I have for my little self, wondering around aimless in this big old world, not knowing what was happening around me or to me, and I'm filling myself up with it.
We have done so well to come this far and when you come through all the pain and turmoil, the grief and sadness, the aloneness and all the rest. You are welcomed into a bright new world. One of love and compassion and one that you can live on your terms.
I'm living life on my terms. I'm not 'there' yet, but that's the beauty of it, I know there's no 'there' to get to, in reality. In reality, I'm already there.
For now, I'm surrounded by clutter and chaos, but it's a beautiful mess and it's in transition and soon, sooner than I actually thought, I'll be surrounded by total organisation and a true minimalist loving home.
I've never had that before, a true home, a real sanctuary, and I'm going to make it so simple, that it can go with me, wherever I go, because I am a traveller, and always will be.
You're doing really well OrinocoFlo, you're in a good place. We have to feel all that yucky stuff to set it free. Embrace it, feel it, cry from the bottom of your soul, because once you've done that, it'l never come back.
It's simply years of stored up pain and emotion. It's simply time to let it go. We don't even have to give it a story. And in fact, it's better that we don't. Just let it all out. You're strong enough now for that and you've got the support of everyone here in this community. So, we've got your back. Let it all go, with love and give love and gratitude to that sweet loving little child you were, who got you this far. Now you can take over, but with such an amazing little you inside of you, you have the heart of a lion and one day soon we're going to hear you roar X ~ the depression lifts. It's not a forever thing. But that deep innocent autistic love that has always been inside of you, is forever, and soon it will have its chance to shine. Everything has its gestation period ~ we're simply moving slowly through the process of seeing where we are, understanding who we are, grieving for our losses then embracing the new
Dear BlueRay,
I'm so glad that I came across this post, at a time when I really need it. I'm at a very low point once again, and struggling to find any sort of inner peace. On top of the ongoing anxiety and depression and waiting for my diagnosis, I've realised I might have alexithymia (as usual, I've done a lot of reading about it and done an online test), ironically I wouldn't have realised if I hadn't started seeing a counsellor and discovered how difficult it is for me to describe how I feel. I keep finding out things about myself and wondering how I got this far without realising it. I suppose that whatever you grow up doing you take to be normal. It never occurred to me back then that most other people thought differently.
The truth will set me free, I really believe that, but right now it hurts like hell. But reading what you've written, here and in other places, gives me hope that I can come through this to a better place. Thank you.
And, at risk of being a bit maudlin, thanks to everyone here who is a source of strength to others by being themselves, and telling it like it is.