Published on 12, July, 2020
I saw my autism worker today, and on arriving, completely unaware that I was upset. I blurted out, I'm being a twat today, and I like it. I said people think I'm spiritual but I'm not. This is just how I think and the so called 'spiritual community' have hijacked my way of thinking and called it spiritual. I was also feeling sick and I had pain in my stomach like gallstone pain.
And she responded by asking me who had upset me! That completely threw me. I thought how bizarre. Why would she ask me that?
Anyway, we got on with the session, and after I left, I burst out crying and realised I maybe I am upset.
All the signs were there but I never picked up on any of them. Yesterday, I was literally screaming at my Alexa thing, telling her to f**k off and it felt like my whole world was suddenly going crazy. Like I was in some kind of whirlwind. My phone wouldn't stay connected to the Alexa thing and all the other electrical things were going crazy. I thought WoW, what do I do?
I just thought, do something. Anything. So I started doing random things, which turned out to be things that really did need doing ~ a bonus in the chaos! Lol!
Anyway. That passed and although I thought it was really weird, I still never thought, I must be upset or anything.
Then today, as I was walking to my appointment I was picturing me having a fight with some random guy. I didn't care if I was winning, I just wanted a proper fight. I still didn't click that I could be upset. I just thought, that's odd, I haven't thought about violence in a long time.
Then when I got home, I felt like I wanted to hit myself repeatedly in the head ~ still not aware, in that moment anyway, that I'm upset.
I didn't do that. Instead I put Amy Winehouse on, loud, through my headphones. I haven't listened to Amy Winehouse or any other music, for a long time.
Then I was reminded of how devastated I was when Amy Winehouse died and then it clicked. I'm upset about my dad. He's a shadow of his former self and it kills me to see him. But I must just put it out of mind, when he's out of sight, but I saw him a few days ago, and looking back, I can see that my behaviour has been so extreme, since then, it's unbelievable that I didn't notice how extreme and radically different it was to my usual behaviour and thoughts etc.
It has shown me that most, if not all my fights etc, that I've had throughout my whole life, were as a result of me not realising I was upset. If this wasn't happening to me, I don't think I'd believe it. How can a person be zen like one minute, screaming and shouting the next and not think anything of it?
I honour my little self to the hilt and that of every other autistic person because to get by in this life, without the ability to recognise feelings, that alone, is an incredible feat of something amazing. And I think I'm on a mission to show the world just how great we really are!
My first support worker of the day today, (I saw two today), told me she runs a weekly craft group for adults who are either autistic or they identify with it, and she asked me if I would go and give a talk to them. I said, you bet I will. I'd be honoured. It amazes me, how others, and autistic people themselves (not all others or all autistic people of course), can't see their sparkle. Their total amazingness. I have met many amazing people in my life so far, but autistic people are something else. We're no better or no more amazing than others, of course we're not, but we are most definitely the most uniquely amazing group of all the people on this planet. By far!
And this is how weird it is. I was just crying, not thinking about my dad, but thinking about ME! This is ridiculous to me, so straight away I stop. Because to me, I'm just thinking sad thoughts so of course I'm going to cry. So it's like, I don't even know what being upset is. I know that something is happening in my body, and with help, I was able to trace this stuff back to when it started, after I saw my dad a few days ago. But even so, what does it mean and what do you do with it?
I think I just need to get back to the gym. I think I'm ready. I know I'll enjoy it and be glad to be back, once I get going, and I think the time has come, to give this amazing body some exercise.
What a weird thought, to think, that all of a person's problems in life could have arose from the fact that they couldn't recognise that they were upset or feeling fear or whatever, and they were unable to therefore express it in a way that was nourishing and growth giving.
I used to think people made too much fuss about feelings. I think that's why I prefer male company as they are generally less into all that feelings stuff, which I just thought was irritating and pointless, especially to talk about! But I guess, even when we are not aware we are experiencing them, they're still driving us, so they have some power over us, if we don't recognise and acknowledge them and allow them to be and be expressed so they don't wreak havoc in the body and life. Honestly, all at once all my electronics went crazy. The laptop, the Alexa thing, the phones, the headphones. I felt like I was caught in some weird alternative universe and knew I needed to steady myself, so I got on the floor and started putting batteries in things and clearing up things that were on the floor. It was like the world was shaking, as if I was in a ship during a storm but like it was a hurricane as well. And I still didn't think that it could have been due to a feeling! I just thought, whoa, I'm glad that's over! Lol! I was about to do my homework, which I haven't been back to since, so the only thing I thought, was if that was all about me trying to get out of doing my homework, it was pretty extreme! Lol!
Then all the violence stuff in my mind and my attitude, looking for a fight! I haven't done that for years!
There's never a dull moment in my mind! And I'm loving the lights just now, fellow visual snow people, or whatever it is they're calling it. Thank god for visual snow! Lol!
No, I know they’re proud of me. Just me coming off the drugs was a big one for them. And I really do, do my best to enjoy time with him. I’m glad I’ve been able to appreciate him while he’s still alive. I’m sorry to hear about your dad. I think there must just be some deep thing within us that links us to our parents in some way so maybe it’s natural to think about our parents? Thanks :)
Embrace your relationship with your dad I'm sure he knows you love him and is proud of you. Mine doesn't even know I exist he has had several chances to make contact but hasn't plus he used to abuse my mum so he probably realises any contact would be quite fraught under the circumstances. Despite this I still think of him? Enjoy the relationship you have with your dad I bet he's much more proud than you think!
My assessment and diagnosis didn’t go into anything like that but this stuff is only becoming apparent to me since I got my diagnosis and was able to start to observe myself in a different light. I’ll look those things up though, thank you, because it’s clear to me now that I am having different emotions and I am being affected by them, although, once I get back into the swing of regular meditation (vipassana meditation), then I’ll be much more in control of things and my environment will be created in such a way as to enhance ease and minimise causes of stress etc.
It’s a great learning curve though. I’m finding it fascinating and as you said in a different post, due to our different ways of experiencing the world, we are privileged to experience things that most people never will and those things are far more valuable than the everyday things that many people give value to. Honestly, I see something in autistic people that really is unique, but it lies beyond appearances and because of our rigid thinking patterns, it’s difficult for us to free our thinking but because of our rigid thinking, it is actually easier for us to regain our connection to our true selves and to live according to that, because we are naturally less interested in the normal way of life. My support worker has asked me if I’ll come and talk to the autistic people at a weekly craft group she runs and I said I would love to. We are such beautiful people, if you just crack that surface. Not that we aren’t all beautiful people, because of course we all are but there is definitely something unique about autistic people. There is far more to us than meets the eye :-)
This is part of my diagnoses.... Apparently I confuse words, with body feelings and body feelings with emotions etc etc.
Called Alexithemia. Combine that with prosody problems, not recognising tonal voice variation, and that the autistic social misunderstandings right there in two parts!
Alexithemia & Prosody(?)
p.s. I know what you mean about the shouting thing and not hearing what people say, and I was shocked, when one of the women at my autism group said I was getting angry, one day. It stopped me completely in my tracks, and I thought, WoW, I actually am!
I can't tell you how many people have said that to me (but you probably know), yet I never believed any one of them but the first time an autistic person said it, I listened, and I could see it and stop it!
It was a really profound moment, and I think it was because the girl, my friend, was just pointing it out, as a way of helping me and all the other people must have been trying to shut me up or something. But with the girl, it wasn't that she wanted me to shut up or anything, but just to let me know, in a really nice way, in the third person, she said BlueRay is getting angry. It was like a helpful thing, not at all threatening and for the first time in my life, I could really see it, and now I spot it straight away, in fact, I don't even do it, now I know about it. It was a very weird and profound experience and me and the girl are getting closer in our friendship. It's a safe friendship because she can't go anywhere by herself so she's not likely to ever turn up at my door step, which is a really strong factor in a friendship with me!
That made me laugh, about the lump hammer because that's how I feel about it. It's insane. My son bought me it. I didn't even have internet and not much data on my phone then all of a sudden I've got Alexa, wifi and god knows what else, but I thinks she's p****d, because rarely does she do what she's told!
And thanks, about my dad. It's all a bit weird, but I trust in love, and I know my dad knows I love him, even though I've been the weirdest kid you could ever have and didn't call him dad for 16 years because I said god was my father! He must have thought, where the hell did that come from! Lol! I'm more sad that I don't think he got to live out his dreams, although he did travel the world, at least for a time, and if he didn't stop travelling, I guess he wouldn't have his family. Maybe that's enough ♀️ Who am I to say? It wouldn't be for me, but I realise we're all different and I'm grateful for all he's done for me, even though I've barely spoke to him so he's definitely been an amazing dad, wife, brother etc etc, all those relationship roles that I don't get. I guess I'm having a normal emotion, it's just not so easy for me to recognise but now I am, I have an opportunity to learn how to express it.
Hi yea I can relate to that, my OH said I shouted at him really aggressively today because he didn't notice the dog wanted to go out and the inevitable happened, dog pee all over the floor, i didnt think I was being shouty or aggressive but he seemed to think I was. I'm sorry to hear about your dad as well. BTW as for Alexa or Google or any of those AI thingy devices I'd take a lump hammer to them! My mum has one and I hear her arguing with it, makes me laugh..
And this is why I love you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
You explained it perfectly and in a way my poor little mind can understand (I don't think it's poor or little, but in that confused state, it's very vulnerable, scared and confused). Thank you so so much DC. It has really helped. Even though you've made me cry bucket loads of tears ️
I was worried about reading your reply, because I can't stand sympathy, but what you said was just perfect. Thank you ~ this is why I come here
And what you said about that word 'spirituality' was perfect. I know there's nothing I can do about it but I'm definitely not in team spirituality, but you've just remedied that for me ~ I'll just imaging they're using the wrong word, in future.
Truly DC, you have really helped. And that's amazing in itself. I'm only just discovering that people can actually help me. I got to thinking there isn't a human being I have ever met so far that has been able to help me, so I'm going to help myself. I went on a one man (well, woman really) band to get to the bottom of things, by myself.
My gp at that time, far from thinking I was a weirdo who didn't know what she was talking about, backed me to the hilt and that was what brought me to my diagnosis. But now, people are helping me. And I can't tell you how wonderful that feels ️. Life is so beautiful and even more so with friends ~ I never thought those words (about friends) would come out of my mouth ~ I always they were a nuisance, not a pleasure! How different this new world is of mine ️
...Some coincidence that I am online and happen to see this. I cannot stay, I reckon, and I get nervous anyway.
That was a Long Post (...). I sort of skim-read it, my apologies, and have to take it in better later. But from what I read, you have just done what is "supposed" to be done: Confusion, feeling need to release, then anger, but keeping the violence (ahem) to oneself and just releasing it slowly via some other outlet (Music) which then causes other emotions (sadness)... and then as if I were writing a Soap Opera here... then calming down enough to be able to just think about it all and then meditate upon it.
...Phew. The main thing I wanted to say was to just put up with the term "Spiritual"; it is just a way of dismissing actual Science that has not yet been Defined Scientifically and enforced by LAW. I am still thinking about that AURAS Thread begun not a week ago...
I may write more, but for now I am Posting this so that it does not disappear. Good Luck.