Unrecognised Emotions

I saw my autism worker today, and on arriving, completely unaware that I was upset. I blurted out, I'm being a twat today, and I like it. I said people think I'm spiritual but I'm not. This is just how I think and the so called 'spiritual community' have hijacked my way of thinking and called it spiritual. I was also feeling sick and I had pain in my stomach like gallstone pain.

And she responded by asking me who had upset me! That completely threw me. I thought how bizarre. Why would she ask me that?

Anyway, we got on with the session, and after I left, I burst out crying and realised I maybe I am upset.

All the signs were there but I never picked up on any of them. Yesterday, I was literally screaming at my Alexa thing, telling her to f**k off and it felt like my whole world was suddenly going crazy. Like I was in some kind of whirlwind. My phone wouldn't stay connected to the Alexa thing and all the other electrical things were going crazy. I thought WoW, what do I do?

I just thought, do something. Anything. So I started doing random things, which turned out to be things that really did need doing ~ a bonus in the chaos! Lol!

Anyway. That passed and although I thought it was really weird, I still never thought, I must be upset or anything.

Then today, as I was walking to my appointment I was picturing me having a fight with some random guy. I didn't care if I was winning, I just wanted a proper fight. I still didn't click that I could be upset. I just thought, that's odd, I haven't thought about violence in a long time.

Then when I got home, I felt like I wanted to hit myself repeatedly in the head ~ still not aware, in that moment anyway, that I'm upset.

I didn't do that. Instead I put Amy Winehouse on, loud, through my headphones. I haven't listened to Amy Winehouse or any other music, for a long time.

Then I was reminded of how devastated I was when Amy Winehouse died and then it clicked. I'm upset about my dad. He's a shadow of his former self and it kills me to see him. But I must just put it out of mind, when he's out of sight, but I saw him a few days ago, and looking back, I can see that my behaviour has been so extreme, since then, it's unbelievable that I didn't notice how extreme and radically different it was to my usual behaviour and thoughts etc.

It has shown me that most, if not all my fights etc, that I've had throughout my whole life, were as a result of me not realising I was upset. If this wasn't happening to me, I don't think I'd believe it. How can a person be zen like one minute, screaming and shouting the next and not think anything of it?

I honour my little self to the hilt and that of every other autistic person because to get by in this life, without the ability to recognise feelings, that alone, is an incredible feat of something amazing. And I think I'm on a mission to show the world just how great we really are!

My first support worker of the day today, (I saw two today), told me she runs a weekly craft group for adults who are either autistic or they identify with it, and she asked me if I would go and give a talk to them. I said, you bet I will. I'd be honoured. It amazes me, how others, and autistic people themselves (not all others or all autistic people of course), can't see their sparkle. Their total amazingness. I have met many amazing people in my life so far, but autistic people are something else. We're no better or no more amazing than others, of course we're not, but we are most definitely the most uniquely amazing group of all the people on this planet. By far!

And this is how weird it is. I was just crying, not thinking about my dad, but thinking about ME! This is ridiculous to me, so straight away I stop. Because to me, I'm just thinking sad thoughts so of course I'm going to cry. So it's like, I don't even know what being upset is. I know that something is happening in my body, and with help, I was able to trace this stuff back to when it started, after I saw my dad a few days ago. But even so, what does it mean and what do you do with it?

I think I just need to get back to the gym. I think I'm ready. I know I'll enjoy it and be glad to be back, once I get going, and I think the time has come, to give this amazing body some exercise.

What a weird thought, to think, that all of a person's problems in life could have arose from the fact that they couldn't recognise that they were upset or feeling fear or whatever, and they were unable to therefore express it in a way that was nourishing and growth giving.

I used to think people made too much fuss about feelings. I think that's why I prefer male company as they are generally less into all that feelings stuff, which I just thought was irritating and pointless, especially to talk about! But I guess, even when we are not aware we are experiencing them, they're still driving us, so they have some power over us, if we don't recognise and acknowledge them and allow them to be and be expressed so they don't wreak havoc in the body and life. Honestly, all at once all my electronics went crazy. The laptop, the Alexa thing, the phones, the headphones. I felt like I was caught in some weird alternative universe and knew I needed to steady myself, so I got on the floor and started putting batteries in things and clearing up things that were on the floor. It was like the world was shaking, as if I was in a ship during a storm but like it was a hurricane as well. And I still didn't think that it could have been due to a feeling! I just thought, whoa, I'm glad that's over! Lol! I was about to do my homework, which I haven't been back to since, so the only thing I thought, was if that was all about me trying to get out of doing my homework, it was pretty extreme! Lol!

Then all the violence stuff in my mind and my attitude, looking for a fight! I haven't done that for years!

There's never a dull moment in my mind! And I'm loving the lights just now, fellow visual snow people, or whatever it is they're calling it. Thank god for visual snow! Lol!