Published on 12, July, 2020
I saw my health and wellbeing support worker from Reed yesterday. And something she said amazed me.
She had a colleague sitting in with her and she turned to him and said, that she loves seeing me because my passion for life inspires her and uplifts her to such a degree, that she feels amazing for days afterwards. She said it’s like she suddenly starts seeing all the good in the world and she finds herself enjoying herself more.
I couldn’t believe it. I’ve only seen her twice!
And both times, to my mind, I was anything but passionate about life! I thought I was rude to her. Both times. This is usual for me when I’m first in these kinds of situations. It takes me a few weeks just to know if I’m warming to them or not. I thought her ideas were ridiculous and stupid and that she clearly didn’t know me! ~ I don’t take any notice of these thoughts, by the way, meaning after the event, I know they’re not true. They are pretty standard and as far as I knew, this was the attitude I was displaying ~ that I didn’t want to be there, I hated it and her and I couldn’t wait to get out of there.
How the hell did we go from that, to her thinking I was inspirational!!!!!
Honestly, I’m baffled. When I think I’m being nice and friendly, like at the church last week, when after only a few moments of talking to the minister, she suddenly, and to my mind, totally randomly, exploded and said she was going to walk right out of the church, hand in her resignation, because I had just destroyed everything she had ever believed in!!! I had no idea what I had said. The only thing I could remember saying, was, why don’t you kill your self. But that wasn’t as harsh as it sounds, out of context, so I know it wasn’t that, that upset her. If she was upset. I couldn’t tell. She confused the hell out of me ♀️. I couldn’t really work out what was going on.
I wonder if everyone sees me as the opposite of what I think I am? That’s weird!
On the back of this. I have just remembered, that when I’m fat, and I look in the mirror. I think I’m skinny. And when I’m, so called, skinny, I think I’m fat. I know the truth in both of these situations and I would never do any thing to try and alter either state. Although funnily enough, I find it harder to accept the truth of the skinny state. I really do think I’m fat. Not really, but when I look in the mirror. But when I’m fat and I think I’m skinny, I don’t question it.
It’s not that I spend a lot of time thinking about this. I just find it odd, every time I look in a mirror when I’m skinny, because I think I look fat, and no matter how I look at myself, and tell myself the truth. I can’t see it. It doesn’t bother me or anything. It’s just weird. And as soon as I’m out of the mirror, I forget about it.
I’m just wondering if it’s connected to people seeing me in the opposite way that I see myself?
I think maybe it’s a woman thing, we can easily believe we are too fat but not so easily believe we are skinny.