Published on 12, July, 2020
One of the things I hate about being autistic is not always seeing when I am being manipulated by another person.
I am not usually in favour of the 'us and them' type debates when it comes to NTs and ND, but does anyone else get sick and tired of NTs being hypocritical or manipulating situations or persons to save their own skin or create an advantage for themselves?
Being older means I am now wiser to most tricks, but I still miss when those close to me are trying to pull the wool over my eyes, probably because I trust them more and let my guard down a little.
The same can be said when it comes to exploiting vulnerabilities and weaknesses. I can run out of fingers counting the number of incidents where family have been completely hypocritical over the festive period and I don't think they even do it intentionally, they just can't help themselves! I can't imagine what it must be like to live like this, to feel you have to twist every situation to your advantage. I once had an internal debate around masking and whether that classed as manipulation as I was fraught with the ethics attached to it. I came to the conclusion that although it was technically dishonest in relation to who I was, it was also done in self-defense to help me keep my head down and out of the way of those that like to exploit. But could the same be said of NTs? Do they see their actions as a form of self-preservation, but to the extent that the end game is to be in a better position than where they started?
If that is the case are we merely as bad as one another, where only our perception of the what is right and wrong with the components of deception, actually differ? We mask to survive, so our end game is to be in a safe and comfortable situation (no threats), whereas for NTs it might be to get a promotion in a job, gain respect from others etc.
I would like to think my intentions around masking are innocent and only done to survive in a world that demands it - it is never done with the intention to hurt others. But could NTs also be doing the same, they mask and manipulate because the same world demands it - it's the intentions and damage caused from said actions I struggle to understand. Are they always aware the consequences of their actions, or do they go about this intuitively without thought? This is something that has been buzzing round my head for most of the day.
I think people with autism are often easier to manipulate due to their way of thinking. But I think NTs are often manipulated too. It is also not all NTs that manipulate. I have also met a number of people with autism that are very manipulative.
I think some manipulative behaviour is innocent and like with masking the person may not even be aware they are doing. I'm not sure I'd consider masking actual manipulation though. I wonder whether any of this counts as manipulation if it is not deliberate. Some manipulation is simply to get what that person wants. Other manipulation can be sinister and calculated and this is far more harmful.
Perhaps the effects of manipulation is worse if you have autism because of the difficulties over reading people's intentions.
I think in short this is very complicated and I think it goes much further than just whether people are ND or NT.
Absolutely and at the end of the day, the only people we can take responsibility for is ourselves. I know I'm extremely vulnerable to manipulation therefore I keep my distance from people and spend most of my time by myself and I make sure I keep my side of the street clean. And it turns out, that having lots of time by myself, is really good for me, whether I like it or not, so realising I was vulnerable was a really great thing for me. It gave me my alone time and time to work out just how I do fit into the world or what it is I do actually enjoy doing, which makes me less vulnerable to manipulation.
Yes I think I have done similar. Sadly sometimes I think it means I sometimes distance myself too much from people. It makes me less vulnerable but I guess it may also make me miss out on good things too. But it is certainly better than always second guessing others behaviours and wondering whether what they did was deliberate or not. And it has definitely allowed me to see what I enjoy and am comfortable with rather than what I will do in an attempt to fit in. Time for me is definitely good but I do worry sometimes I will isolate myself completely.
No, neither have I ~ got it all figured out that is. I used to enjoy my job, in fact I enjoyed it very much, but it used to burn me out after a while and so did every other job I did, so I decided I wasn’t going to do it anymore and instead I’m going to work in a way that doesn’t burn me out and which gives me all the money I need to do all the things I love to do as well as all the time I need to actually do these things.
My needs and interests don’t come cheap but that’s not a problem because I value what I do (work wise) and I also know people only pay what they think a service/product is worth to them so I have no problem with charging what fees work for me. I know how much money I need to earn each week, I’m learning how many hours a week I can devote to work so when I’m ready, I’ll know what to charge. But that’s not something I’m concerning myself with just now. That side of life will come together at the right time. And yeah, one step at a time :)
I'm fortunate that work is actually a positive thing for me (most of the time). It gives me enough interaction with people without the social pressures and I do really enjoy what I do. I actually find it more difficult when I'm not in work although I am aware I do need the rest.
I'm not overly bothered by money but it would be nice to be able to afford to do some of the things that I really enjoy.
I'm learning about my limits. I don't think I've quite got it figured out yet but like you say. One step at a time.
Yeah, I tend to keep my friends in their relevant places and rarely meet people outside of the activity. That’s perfect for me and if I’m not feeling great, I don’t even go to my activity. I put my health and wellbeing before everything because I’ve learned that when I don’t, I can easily have a melt down which I tend try to avoid these days. I know my limits.
I’m also fortunate to have had a severe burn out which made it impossible for me to work, or even rarely get out of bed, for one year. I did a bit more than get out of bed in my second year (that’s just coming to a close) and I’ve learned an awful lot.
I also refuse to even think about working again until I’ve minimalised and organised my home life, got my routine sorted in a way that serves me, including social activities etc, because I know when I work it’s easy to loose the work life balance. I also don’t know yet how many hours I want to work or exactly what I’m going to do. I’ve got lots of exciting ideas but I’m taking my time and I’m not at the stage where I am thinking seriously about work yet.
Not having money doesn’t bother me. It’s been a blessing in so many ways, and I wouldn’t put my need to get money before my health and wellbeing so I can wait to make money, until I’m ready. So it’s all one step at a time :)
I can certainly see what you mean about enjoying people's company during an activity. The few friends I do have are through a special interest but I find it difficult in a social occasion that is separate from the interest as that is literally the only thing we have in common.
There are other activities I would enjoy but at the moment the idea of taking the plunge and meeting new people sends my anxiety way too high. One day maybe. Unfortunately the activities I enjoy also seem to be expensive ones which doesn't help.
I think I'm finding it harder at the moment because I'm off work for a couple of weeks. I'm out of routine and it throws me off.
You sound like you are doing well with the balancing act.
The place where I was diagnosed has an autism group but unfortunately it runs at a time when I am in work so I can't attend.