Published on 12, July, 2020
One of the things I hate about being autistic is not always seeing when I am being manipulated by another person.
I am not usually in favour of the 'us and them' type debates when it comes to NTs and ND, but does anyone else get sick and tired of NTs being hypocritical or manipulating situations or persons to save their own skin or create an advantage for themselves?
Being older means I am now wiser to most tricks, but I still miss when those close to me are trying to pull the wool over my eyes, probably because I trust them more and let my guard down a little.
The same can be said when it comes to exploiting vulnerabilities and weaknesses. I can run out of fingers counting the number of incidents where family have been completely hypocritical over the festive period and I don't think they even do it intentionally, they just can't help themselves! I can't imagine what it must be like to live like this, to feel you have to twist every situation to your advantage. I once had an internal debate around masking and whether that classed as manipulation as I was fraught with the ethics attached to it. I came to the conclusion that although it was technically dishonest in relation to who I was, it was also done in self-defense to help me keep my head down and out of the way of those that like to exploit. But could the same be said of NTs? Do they see their actions as a form of self-preservation, but to the extent that the end game is to be in a better position than where they started?
If that is the case are we merely as bad as one another, where only our perception of the what is right and wrong with the components of deception, actually differ? We mask to survive, so our end game is to be in a safe and comfortable situation (no threats), whereas for NTs it might be to get a promotion in a job, gain respect from others etc.
I would like to think my intentions around masking are innocent and only done to survive in a world that demands it - it is never done with the intention to hurt others. But could NTs also be doing the same, they mask and manipulate because the same world demands it - it's the intentions and damage caused from said actions I struggle to understand. Are they always aware the consequences of their actions, or do they go about this intuitively without thought? This is something that has been buzzing round my head for most of the day.
In answer to your first question (paragraph 2), my answer is no, I don't get sick and tired of nt's for being hypocritical and manipulative etc.
For a start, in the way I view or experience the world, it's not possible for anybody to manipulate me and it's none of my business if somebody is being hypocritical, so I'm not going to allow myself to feel annoyance or anger over something which isn't my business.
If somebody uses manipulation tactics on me, I see it as simply a way in which they are cheating and fooling themselves. And if their tactics work on me then it is a lesson for me to learn; to learn to stand strong myself in the face of adversity and not to give away anything I don't want to give away.
If I have to manipulate somebody to get my own way, it tells me that I have no faith in what I'm trying to achieve and it's probably not wholesome, loving and pure. In which case, I have no business being involved in it. I would question my motives.
Likewise therefore, because I see the world through my eyes, I see that the person using those tactics is simply harming themselves, not me, and if I can help them, I will. I won't judge them, because who am I to judge? Besides which, I have used manipulation tactics many times in my life, as a form of survival or self defence because I didn't know what else to do. And to be honest, I don't think I've ever met a person who hasn't been manipulative at some point in their lives. And if we spot it, we have definitely got it, otherwise we could never spot it in the first place. Manipulation might not be a great tactic to employ, but sometimes, through lack of awareness or whatever, it's the best we've got.
Instead of getting angry at people who employ these tactics, which as you said, must be soul destroying to live that way, you could pray for them. It's not a religious type prayer. They taught me this in AA and it works every time. Sometimes it takes longer to work than others, but sometimes it's instant.
You simply ask, or hope and pray, that they receive in life, everything you want for yourself and more. Pray that they may find peace in their hearts and minds, faith in what they're trying to achieve and happiness, love and joy in their lives.
I know when I've used those tactics, I haven't been in a good place, either mentally or in my heart. So I try to remember to have compassion for people using those tactics and the prayer really helps with that. I sometimes use other tools, such as radical forgiveness, and sometimes it takes weeks to resolve the conflict within me, but I don't give in because I know there is no value in me suffering for somebody else's suffering.
The world is but a reflection of who we are. That's something else I learned in AA. They taught me that when we have one finger pointing outwards at someone else or something else, there is always three pointing back. And they told me. If I want to know what the problem is, I need only to look in the mirror.
I don't think I am bad for using manipulation tactics. It was the best I could do at the time. It was self preservation. Likewise, I don't think anybody else is bad for using such tactics either. Like me, they're doing their best to survive also, with their own reasons.
We all act differently in different situations. Sometimes we know what we're doing and sometimes we seem to act intuitively, or maybe blindly!
But if we feel anger or any other emotion, then the feeling is always within us, therefore the solution is also within us. We can't control how others act or react and often times we can't control our first thoughts. But we can learn to pause and reflect and see what's really going on here.
And are people really hypocrites anyway? Don't we a have blinkered vision? That's why it's good to talk, and listen, and it's listening I need to do more of! Lol!
Great question. Thanks.
So I try to remember to have compassion for people using those tactics and the prayer really helps with that. I sometimes use other tools, such as radical forgiveness, and sometimes it takes weeks to resolve the conflict within me, but I don't give in because I know there is no value in me suffering for somebody else's suffering.
However, sometimes compassion does not work, or second, third, forth chances, or even radical forgiveness ... and they keep on manipulating and hurting whatever humanity and tolerance you muster :(
Who has the power to forgive another person? And how would their forgiveness affect another person anyway? Most people who do 'bad' things, aren't looking for forgiveness, they're just like everybody else, they just want what they want. If they feel bad about what they've done to the degree they want to try and make up for whatever they did, they might ask for forgiveness but the forgiveness has to come from them. They have to live with themselves. We can't give forgiveness to another person or get it from another person, it comes from within ourselves.
There are definitely people in the world that will continue to hurt others, despite being granted forgiveness and compassion - if anything there are a minority that will probably to see this as a free pass to continue their behaviour.
It's not compassion for others that I'm looking for ~ it's compassion for myself. It doesn't hurt the other person if I think badly of them. It hurts me. I'm the one believing and thinking bad thoughts. It can also take over my life if I believe somebody has manipulated me. The way I see it, it's like self harm. I have to find within me the reason why I'm feeling the way I am and why I'm believing what I'm believing and look at how I'm reacting to the beliefs as opposed to just thinking 'that person is manipulating me' because that belief would hurt me whether it was true or not. The only reaction I could have to that would be to keep away from that person and for many reasons, that's not always the best course of action.
Once I've found the truth within me, I am no longer hurt etc and I can make better decisions. I can look at the situation and decide if it is helpful to me or not. Does it bring peace into my life? Joy? Love? Freedom? Etc etc
Compassion to me, has no connection with the other person and it certainly has no connection with second chances etc. If I did give somebody a 'second chance' I would question what that even means. For example, is it a type of manipulation to try and make sure that the other person thinks, behaves and believes etc in ways that I want them to? Is it a way to try and 'change them'?
Radical forgiveness is a process (it's free online) that takes you through a process by which you arrive at the truth. And without exception, you ALWAYS find that there is no need to forgive the other person. It's not called 'radical' for the sake of it and the results are always astonishing.
If somebody manipulates me once, and I become aware of it, and if I decide to continue in a relationship with them, then I only have myself to blame if they do it again. Only I don't see things that way. I wouldn't see any blame. Just a beautiful lesson that I'm not great in relationships, that I lose myself and become whatever the person wants me to be or what I found from my time in a relationship with a narcissist, was that I didn't love myself as much as I thought I did and I had a deeply held subconscious belief that I wasn't good enough, which cracked me up when I discovered that one! So I will be eternally grateful to that guy. Through him, I found out a lot about myself, including that I was autistic. So although it appeared to everybody else that he was manipulating me etc etc, to me he was the greatest gift I'd ever had and it's a shame, because he'll never know that because I also learned that the best way to deal with someone like that is to go no contact, so I did.
I got raped several times when I was younger. I didn't blame or hate the rapists, I simply learned to keep my distance from men and to be more careful at looking after myself. I can understand now why people use blame etc but it doesn't get to the truth and it really is only the truth that sets us free.
I know, I've got a weird way of looking at and experiencing the world and I don't always explain myself well.