"It's like you are just a spectator in this thing": experiencing social life the 'Aspie' way

Thankyou, Tom and Sunflower, those are two excellent articles that I'll definitely be sharing.

Aside from how recognisable the reports of the subjects are, both articles support a point of view that I've been slowly drifting towards ever since my diagnosis.

Currently, the social aspects of autism are still considered its major diagnostic signs; our sensory, attentional, and cognitive experiences are barely mentioned, just as the diagnostic manuals don't mention melt-downs, shut-downs, burn-outs, or a whole host of other effects that we all know and love. To me, this traditional pathology increasingly looks as if it's back-to-front.

In my opinion, the sensory and cognitive differences seem to be the key to what autism actually is. The stereotypical social "impairments" are just the quite predictable consequences of how these differences affect our social awareness when we interact with other people. These differences affect us from the moment we're born, of course, so development of all social and communication behaviours is affected by constantly having to work from a different set of information about the world than most other brains would perceive, and attention and filtering functions which profoundly change what information we're even able to perceive.

I also liked the way that the articles emphasised that misinterpretations are actually skewed towards autistic people being misinterpreted rather than doing the misinterpreting (sometimes called the "double empathy problem"). This seems to be a very common experience. Of course it is, as the onus is always on us to be the "interpreter" whichever direction the message is being passed in. Neuro-typical people don't generally ever try to "pass as autistic", even for the occasional short interaction, never mind in every single encounter as a "passing" autistic might do, or might even feel obliged to do (I know I always felt obliged to before my diagnosis, and it's still a very strong drive even now).

Blank said:

Finally an explanation of 'taking things literally' which I figured was just for proverbs and the like, but that idea never seemed right :-)

Yes. I think that people very often get the idea of autistic "literalness" a bit wrong. There certainly are autistic people who's different language development makes understanding figures of speech difficult, but many of us don't seem to have much problem with the semantics of figurative language. What we do often seem to struggle with is what linguists call "pragmatics" - how the meaning of an utterance changes depending on the intent of the speaker (including the speaker's stance towards the context). It's not about misunderstanding the range of possible meanings for a particular set of words, it's difficulty picking out the right meaning because of difficulty assessing the speaker's mood, what the speaker believes about us, the formality of the occasion, how private the conversation is, previous conversations that have a bearing on the current one, and so on.

Blank said:

And that part about having to restart everything after having taken a 'break' - so recognisable.

Yes, me too. After spending an age alternating between beating myself up and giving myself a pep talk, I sometimes pluck up the courage to leave the house, open the front door, and then ask myself; "How long is it since I had a conversation with someone? Will I be able to remember how to do it? Will I even be able to remember how to talk?". Although I do often isolate myself for much longer periods, it only takes a day or too holed up in my sanctuary for this to happen.

Thankyou, Tom and Sunflower, those are two excellent articles that I'll definitely be sharing.

Aside from how recognisable the reports of the subjects are, both articles support a point of view that I've been slowly drifting towards ever since my diagnosis.

Currently, the social aspects of autism are still considered its major diagnostic signs; our sensory, attentional, and cognitive experiences are barely mentioned, just as the diagnostic manuals don't mention melt-downs, shut-downs, burn-outs, or a whole host of other effects that we all know and love. To me, this traditional pathology increasingly looks as if it's back-to-front.

In my opinion, the sensory and cognitive differences seem to be the key to what autism actually is. The stereotypical social "impairments" are just the quite predictable consequences of how these differences affect our social awareness when we interact with other people. These differences affect us from the moment we're born, of course, so development of all social and communication behaviours is affected by constantly having to work from a different set of information about the world than most other brains would perceive, and attention and filtering functions which profoundly change what information we're even able to perceive.

I also liked the way that the articles emphasised that misinterpretations are actually skewed towards autistic people being misinterpreted rather than doing the misinterpreting (sometimes called the "double empathy problem"). This seems to be a very common experience. Of course it is, as the onus is always on us to be the "interpreter" whichever direction the message is being passed in. Neuro-typical people don't generally ever try to "pass as autistic", even for the occasional short interaction, never mind in every single encounter as a "passing" autistic might do, or might even feel obliged to do (I know I always felt obliged to before my diagnosis, and it's still a very strong drive even now).

Blank said:

Finally an explanation of 'taking things literally' which I figured was just for proverbs and the like, but that idea never seemed right :-)

Yes. I think that people very often get the idea of autistic "literalness" a bit wrong. There certainly are autistic people who's different language development makes understanding figures of speech difficult, but many of us don't seem to have much problem with the semantics of figurative language. What we do often seem to struggle with is what linguists call "pragmatics" - how the meaning of an utterance changes depending on the intent of the speaker (including the speaker's stance towards the context). It's not about misunderstanding the range of possible meanings for a particular set of words, it's difficulty picking out the right meaning because of difficulty assessing the speaker's mood, what the speaker believes about us, the formality of the occasion, how private the conversation is, previous conversations that have a bearing on the current one, and so on.

Blank said:

And that part about having to restart everything after having taken a 'break' - so recognisable.

Yes, me too. After spending an age alternating between beating myself up and giving myself a pep talk, I sometimes pluck up the courage to leave the house, open the front door, and then ask myself; "How long is it since I had a conversation with someone? Will I be able to remember how to do it? Will I even be able to remember how to talk?". Although I do often isolate myself for much longer periods, it only takes a day or too holed up in my sanctuary for this to happen.

Thanks for this, Trogluddite.  You put into words what I think, but don't have the ability to express.  I agree with all of what you say.  I, too, constantly feel that 'obligation'.  I think, since diagnosis, I have actually begun to behave more 'autistically'.  By this, I don't mean that I'm putting on more of an act; rather, I'm putting on less of an act.  Less of a neurotypical act.  I think the issue I've had at work recently (I return tomorrow after almost 3 weeks of sick leave) has actually helped my employers to understand things much better.  My meeting last week with the behavioural team gave me the opportunity to explain some 'back-story' to them, which I think has given them more insight into why I responded in the way I did with the incident that led to my meltdown.  It still feels, though, like trying to explain what life is like as an aardvark to a herd of cows!

The 'literalness' thing - yes, we are generally good at semantics and figurative language.  Where I fall down - and always have - is that I tend to take what I'm told literally.  So I'll miss it when someone is pulling my leg or in some other way playing a joke.  "Lighten up!  I'm joking!", or variations on that, are things I hear all the time.

I'm an isolationist.  I'd beat Donald Trump at that!  During these almost three weeks, I've spent much time indoors in my 'safe space'.  But I go out every day to get the shopping I need for the day, so I get some form of interaction with people - even if only at a phatic level.  Tomorrow, I'll be right back in the throng again.  I could have returned earlier, but I thought it would be good to just have two days at work, then a three-day break again, then four days, then another three-day break.  The week following that, I have two days annual leave booked (mum's birthday time), so I'm only actually in on the Tuesday and the Friday.  This, I think, we give me a bit of a staggered reintroduction, which I feel I need.  Next week, too, I'm having the first of what is now going to be a two-weekly 'catch-up' meeting with someone from behavioural support.  I think I have a lot of support on my side at work.  Most of my colleagues are people who seem to like me.  This one person, though, is going to be a problem.  We don't have to work together any more, at least.  But I find it hard being around someone like that.  If she tries being civil, I'll be civil in response - but my natural nervousness will obviously show through, because it will be like revisiting the site of trauma.  I'll just have to play it all by ear for the time being.

I felt rather embarrassed at explaining to the team last week that this has all come about over something that most people would regard as trivial.  But 'unfriending' and 'blocking' someone on social media who you actually work with everyday, and then behaving as if nothing has happened, would send out confusing signals to everyone.  She's done it with other staff members, and their responses have generally been 'Well, she's blunt.  She can get on with it.'  I can't do that.  To me, it's been a major problem.  I hope they do understand that now, but I can't help feeling they think I'm making a big fuss over nothing.