Drinking: a confession

I drink too much.  I have done for quite some time.  I'm certain I'm not an alcoholic.  I don't have an overwhelming desire to drink.  I don't need to start the day with a drink, and I don't generally drink during the day.  I don't drink every day, either.  I function well, and manage to keep very fit.  I eat well.  But in the evenings (mainly over the weekend period), when I sit to watch a film, I'll have a drink.  Then another.  And so on it goes, until I go to bed drunk.  As I did last night.  And then I wake up in the morning - as I did this morning - and realise I've done damage in some way.  Not just to my health, but to other people.  I'll look at my previous day's internet history and realise there are comments I've made - on here, on social media - that are rude at best, downright offensive at worst.  I keep upsetting people.  I don't know why I do it.  In vino veritas goes the old saying.  Yet it isn't the truth I'm using.  The drink turns me into this nasty, spiteful person I don't especially like - and I'm sure others don't, either.  Having said that... this person is seductive.  There's a big part of Mr Hyde that will always appeal to me.

I think it's all to do with years and years of keeping it all inside - never being confident enough to speak up, because generally when I did, I was shouted down and ridiculed.  And suddenly, I found a way to loosen all of that up.  I didn't start to drink in any way that you would call 'problematic' until I was in my 40s, and what kicked it off then was feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage and a job I hated.  Drink became an escape as well as a form of relaxation.  It also numbed the anxiety that is pretty much a default condition for me, and always has been.  It was all very selfish.  It shut me off from others and made me indifferent to the effect that my drinking was having on them.  It has cost me a lot since then.  I've lost a wife, a home, the trust of friends and relatives.  It's isolated me more and more.

I've been to AA.  I've been to therapy groups.  I've tried meditation, spirituality, etc.  I know the ins and outs of it.  I've heard all the horror stories, and told a few myself.  I'm away from everything now, really, that previously would have been a trigger to get drunk.  But I still do it.  Frankly, I can't ever imagine giving it up entirely.  Because I enjoy it.  I enjoy the feeling of all my cares and woes slipping away.  I enjoy getting light-headed.  It's pure selfishness.  I admit it.  It'll probably get me in the end, in one way or another.  I know that.  The only times I've ever attempted to end my life are when I've been drunk.  It facilitates so many things, and most of them aren't good.

I'm not posting this for advice, really.  I know what I ought to do.  But maybe others have similar experiences with some form of drug.  And maybe discussing these issues openly can help in some way.

Parents
  • I've just read a good bit of the intro and the first chapter of 'Asperger Syndrome and Alcohol: Drinking to Cope?' by Sarah Hendrickx and Matthew Tinsley (link posted earlier, but here it is again).  It looks very interesting, and not too heavy a read.  Matthew Tinsley only got diagnosed at 43, whilst he was in rehab after 25 years of alcoholism, through which he nearly lost his life (he was drinking half a bottle of gin for breakfast at the end).  I liked his comment, about when he first read about Asperger's: "It felt like a joke.  Like someone had made up a list of things which described my life."  Up to the point where it all went wrong, he'd had a successful career, two marriages, his own home etc. But only by consuming increasing quantities of alcohol on a daily basis to suppress the constant anxiety he had felt since childhood. He describes waking each day to: ‘feeling like I was going to be executed; a constant threat of something unknown and bad happening’.  The alcohol doubtlessly fueled that paranoia - but I've felt it constantly throughout life, even before the alcohol came on the scene.

    Looks like it could be a worthwhile read.  Interestingly, it suggests that AA might not be a useful place for Aspies who have alcohol problems.  That echoes my experience with the fellowship.  It was useful up to a point.  It helped me through the peer support angle, and being able to share and identify with experiences.  The whole 'Step Programme' thing put me off in the end - and the way the 'Step-N a z i s' would bang on about how I'd never get properly sober until I did the Steps, and had made amends (or attempted to) to all the people I'd 'wronged' through my drinking.

Reply
  • I've just read a good bit of the intro and the first chapter of 'Asperger Syndrome and Alcohol: Drinking to Cope?' by Sarah Hendrickx and Matthew Tinsley (link posted earlier, but here it is again).  It looks very interesting, and not too heavy a read.  Matthew Tinsley only got diagnosed at 43, whilst he was in rehab after 25 years of alcoholism, through which he nearly lost his life (he was drinking half a bottle of gin for breakfast at the end).  I liked his comment, about when he first read about Asperger's: "It felt like a joke.  Like someone had made up a list of things which described my life."  Up to the point where it all went wrong, he'd had a successful career, two marriages, his own home etc. But only by consuming increasing quantities of alcohol on a daily basis to suppress the constant anxiety he had felt since childhood. He describes waking each day to: ‘feeling like I was going to be executed; a constant threat of something unknown and bad happening’.  The alcohol doubtlessly fueled that paranoia - but I've felt it constantly throughout life, even before the alcohol came on the scene.

    Looks like it could be a worthwhile read.  Interestingly, it suggests that AA might not be a useful place for Aspies who have alcohol problems.  That echoes my experience with the fellowship.  It was useful up to a point.  It helped me through the peer support angle, and being able to share and identify with experiences.  The whole 'Step Programme' thing put me off in the end - and the way the 'Step-N a z i s' would bang on about how I'd never get properly sober until I did the Steps, and had made amends (or attempted to) to all the people I'd 'wronged' through my drinking.

Children
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