Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I’m just looking for some advice. My Sons girlfriend has autism with seizures and lives at home she is in her early 20’s. I don’t fully understand the situation but she is fairly capable in day to day life, stays at ours at the weekend and she communicates at a good level. However tonight she was distraught and was very upset on the phone because her family do not like my son and they keep having a go at her and my son over the relationship. On several occasions she has been threatened with being sent in to care and today they told her if she leaves she’s not coming back. She was also slapped by her mother. My son is very upset by the situation so has not helped himself by getting into arguments with the family. They believe it is my son who is the problem as they think he doesn’t treat her very well and he argues with them and also because it is ruining her routine which is the reason for her outbursts. The daughter says it is because they just keep picking on her all the time. On speaking with the mother this evening she said she only slapped her to stop a seizure and that speaking forcefully to her is the way she has been trained to deal with her, she isn’t allowed to talk as they say she is arguing and if she says anything they make her apologise with threats of care (I heard this myself). I guess I just need to know if this is how you are supposed to treat people with autism as I know a different approach needs to be taken. I really want to help by knowing a little bit more so we can give her some routine when she is here and support the family if this is the correct way. Thanks
Hi there, I am extremely sad to hear about this situation. It is something no one should have to come across. Thanks, for taking the time to reach out to us. It takes such courage. First of all, physical abuse is never the solution to anyone's problem. If anything it will make it potentially ten times worse. Reason being the person will feel ridiculed, shaken, belittled amongst other feelings and emotions. Out of respect, for your son and girlfriend they 'the family' its none of their business (who are they to judge); every one wants to live an independent, happy life. Threats are not necessary there are ways of getting around the conversation without the heated exchange. It might be worth having either a one-to-one talk or group discussion to see where things stand?
I can understand the reasons why your son is trying to stand up and address his point. When it comes to some families they can be picky or over protective. Explaining to the family (although it shouldn't be necessary) that the love they feel for each other is legit and take it from there.
It might be worth mentioning to use non-threatening language. In most situations, if the person's voice increases this can cause immediate stress, anxiety amongst other various complications. Using a subtle but steady tone is more suitable and the message comes across better. It is easy to be picked on because of how nice or innocent the person's demeanour or attitude. The saying 'taking kindness for weakness'. Typically, when your picked on your seen as an easy target as such or literally a threat of some sort which could lead to jealousy or hatred etc.
The arguing never solves the issues as we all know. If anything the purpose of what was said comes out meaningless and has a negative impact. Allowing time for others to have their say uninterrupted could work? The more stress the son's girlfriend has the worse the effect the seizures come along with increased anxiety etc.
In my opinion, people with autism like a non-threatening language, use of short, simple and easy to understand sentences/information, patience, clarification, respect, dignity. People with autism, rely on people's body language, gestures and facial expressions. There has to be good communication when speaking to someone with autism. Not to speak too fast or too slow, not to ask too many questions, allowing even time for the person to absorb information and respond.
It might be useful seeking a professional opinion regarding some of the things you mentioned. I hope this has been somewhat useful. If things do get worse please seek appropriate and immediate help and support. Thanks again for taking the time to share this. I hope things get a little easier.