Hi folks, it's been a while since I posted here.
I've been struggling a bit recently with several changes and things.
I live in London. I turned 25 a few months ago, and I really think I should be further along in my life by now. I feel that I should have done more things.
I went through school and uni with undiagnosed autism. I only got diagnosed at 22 years 9 months. I also have anxiety. I never dated, never had many friends. Cried sometimes and was bullied a bit. Focused on good grades because that's the only thing I was ever good at. Worked hard for so long, felt like running a marathon, never stopping to reflect am I running in the right direction, am I doing the right thing? Had mental health issues at school and uni. Sometimes I struggle with loneliness. I was told over and over again, don't go dating if you have mental health issues, loneliness, don't love yourself, etc. So I didn't. I tried to do the other things in life, because dating is not everything.
Lived at home while at uni, commuted in. Made some friends but the overall experience wasn't great because of the pandemic, and the undiagnosed autism. Didn't contribute that much and found the whole thing very stressful. I got my degree, graduated 2023, and after loads of applications to graduate jobs/schemes, I got onto a graduate scheme that started September 2024 and finished last week. It was a two year scheme and I really enjoyed it. I started a permanent role at the same place now, which is great! I am happy with my progress here.
I have a few hobbies, reading, walking, cycling, cooking, board games (Scrabble is my favourite), LEGO. I'm trying to look for activity groups in the same city, so that I can do maybe 1 or 2 hobbies with other people. I go walking everyday and cycling every week, but these are usually on my own. Cooking and scrabble usually with my parents (I live with them). I love my parents and I am grateful for them and everything they have done and sacrificed for me. I want to be my own person though. I have worked hard and will keep working hard. I exercise reguarly and try to eat healthy, and drink plenty of water. I don't drink alcohol or use drugs or anything. I book my own doctor, dentist, opticians appointments. I help with the household chores and stuff. I like helping out and being helpful.
Since graduating in 2023 I've also learned more life skills including cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, driving, etc. I've been trying to save up for a deposit so I can move out of my parents place. I have started looking for places, hopefully can arrange some viewings soon.
For most of my life I feel like I've been catching up with my peers and the people around me. I know the comparison trap is there and I've stopped using most social media to counteract that. I get burned out trying to do too many things at once, so I tried to do things gradually e.g. waiting until after graduating uni to start driving lessons. Waiting until I get a permanent job, and getting the necessary life skills before moving. While I have made progress (work experience, job, degree, drivers licence, a few more friends), and I do generally feel a bit better about myself than I used to, I still can't shake the feeling that I'm behind in life.
I feel behind in life because I'm 25, still live with my parents, never been on a date, never had a girlfriend, never been kissed. I am average height and quite slim. I'm not a conventionally attractive guy. I wear thick lens glasses because my eyesight is very bad (it runs in the family unfortunately). I feel ugly, unloveable, and invisible. I have a bunch of food intolerances, I avoid loud, crowded places, and I struggle with eye contact. I'm not confident, outgoing or extroverted. I exercise regularly but don't go to the gym because its too crowded, expensive, loud music, im paranoid about people looking at me/filming me while I'm exercising or just walking around or just there, or judging me for my height, body shape, glasses, hair, etc.
I am scared I won't find a place to live. I am scared that if I try dating, speed dating, online dating, I'll be rejected because of how I am (see the above paragraph for the main deficiencies). I am not conventionally attractive. I'm not outgoing, or confident. I am sometimes afraid I'll be alone forever. I feel like I missed out on many opportunities because I was too scared. I feel like a coward. I don't love myself. For context I'm a heterosexual (straight) guy.
My parents tell me I shouldn't worry about being behind, because I have made good progress these last few years, I've gotten through some tough times, I get up out of bed everyday and do my best. I show up at work and give it my best. I've met some good people at work. A few of them I now consider friends.
But I still don't feel good enough.
It's strange that I usually feel ok with myself for not drinking, not using social media, but that I don't feel ok with myself for being single. These feelings of inadequacy go up and down and most feelings do. But between graduating uni at 22, and how old I am now, 25, they have gotten a bit louder. I have been trying to learn more life skills, get some hobbies, and adjust to a full-time job in a workplace. It can be a bit overwhelming sometimes. I've gotten burnt out multiple times organising board games, quiz nights at work. But I don't do much with others outside of work. Sometimes I meet up with a friend or two, to go to town, go walking or cycling, see a museum, go to a park, or something. Sometimes I go with work friends to the bar, or a restaurant. But I still don't feel good enough. Also I cant go to a bar and talk to women, I'm too introverted/scared and I dont drink alcohol.
I keep feeling that something is missing. I keep feeling bad because I missed the supposed independence of uni (had to live at home due to not being able to afford to live in halls, anxiety, food intolerances, pandemic, etc), the supposed good times at uni (I didn't find most of it fun. In 2020 my grandfather died. In 2021 my brother died. Their deaths overshadow a lot. I did get counselling and therapy for that, helped a bit), the coming of age experiences, dating, exploration,etc. I keep feeling bad that I missed rite of passage into adulthood. Sometimes when I go to social events (I don't get invited to that many because obviously) I feel out of place, I feel like I'm just winging it.
I know some bad actors over in the manosphere try to take advantage of guys like me. I avoid it and I strongly disagree with the messages there. I don't want a whole bunch of people telling me things I want to hear. I don't hate or blame anyone for my own situation. I only hate and blame myself. I feel unlovable. I'm worried I'll be alone forever. But I can't go dating because I still live with my parents at 25, and I've never been on a date, and I'm embarrassed. But the longer I put off going dating, the older I become without experience, the more difficult it will be. And I'm afraid people won't want to date me or be with me beacuse of how I am. I'm also a bit afraid of women. I'm afraid I'll be alone forever and that the world will keep getting worse. The world has gotten worse over the course of my life, and I don't see it getting better. I find it difficult to hope for better or to imagine better.
I am trying to live life, do my job, my hobbies, look for a place to move out to, go with my friends exploring London etc. But sometimes these things feel hollow, because deep down those feelings of inadequacy are still there. I feel like by now age 25 I should have moved out, gone dating, got a partner, got a kiss, etc. When I was 15 I had plans for where I wanted to end up at this age, and the things I wanted to do by this age. I haven't accomplished all the milestones. I haven't done all those things I should have done by that age. I feel I have to rush to complete them, especially the dating one. Because normal people do that at school and uni.
What am I supposed to do? How do I solve all these problems? How do I not feel lonely? How do I not end up alone? Please help me, I'm really scared I'll be stuck forever, and I'm afraid things will never get better. I don't want to give up, though.
