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I can't make sense of it

Alien0n3arth

It's about my mom. At the beginning i must say, that I can't just cut her off, because despite many bad things and negligence I have some feelings to her, and additionally I'm dependent on her help. She supplies me with clothes for me and my daughter. Shopping is too much for me it's a hel. I usually get second hand clothes from her, she asked me few times if I'm not offended for getting second hand. I'm absolutely not. These are good quality comfy clothes, wether it's new or what is written on the label is the last thing I care about. Label gets cut immediately. But despite helping me in my everyday life she also destroys me somehow mentally.she is quite toxic I think. I must agree with her. She does not accept me having different point of view or opinion. She will force me to accept hers until I admit that she is right. And additionally whenever we talk about past, she tries to twist things, change the order of events, her reactions to my brilliant memory made me think, that she is probably upset, that I unfortunately remember perfectly,  when I was examined, what examination was that, when and for what I was hospitalised etc. And I'm absolutely not allowed to say that I have some problem,  or that I think, that something about me is not normal or unusual and it annoys me and it's basically always her deciding what is a problem and what is not, and of course what is normal or not normal is also her decision. I remember my examinations with the pediatrician,  I used to sit, hearing check, eyesight check, weight, hight, quick question to my mom - if psychical development is ok. Her answer always "yes". And done. Once I said, that I have no friends,  the doctor asked my mom if she should write that im too shy. My mom insisted that she doesn't write anything.  Other time the doctor wrote that im hyperactive. My mom was upset about it. I remember her reaction,  her weird sigh. The doctor wrote that i was hyperactive because of my stimming. I have it and gonna use it for assessment. There was also a problem with me not reacting to my name when called. My mom said I had overgrown tonsils that had to be removed. But I have papers where it states I had good hearing when the issue occurred or at least when it was first noticed. 

I'm sorry for this rant it's so toxic, infuriating,  I feel helpless. In the morning I was excited about creating new lego story, but then my mom called. I don't initiate conversations in this topic. It's her dwelling on it and drilling my soul, aldo trying to manipulate my memories.

Parents

  • I can understand your frustration and hurt, my mother is similar, I had my assessment with no parental involvement. I knew my mother would have painted a picture of “nothing to see here, everything was normal in childhood.” 
    She knows I have been diagnosed as autistic, it’s never mentioned, I’ve said before that she can’t say the words autistic or autism.
    What I tend to do now is not to really argue about the past, I know the truth, she is 80 and it keeps her happy for whatever time she has left.

  • in reply to Roy

    Yes, my mom too. I was misdiagnosed with tourette in the past and she didn't care about it. But autism?! It's a big no for her. She told me she gets angry when reading about autism spectrum disorder. I failed to ask her why. It came with delay to my mind but u decided to not go back to that discussion that would only trigger me. My theory is that she is aware of me having autistic traits, and my weird behaviour being part of it, but she can't admit it in front of herself. And yes she has a very old and outdated stereotype. She is super stubborn and behaves like she knows everything. So there is no discussion with her. I'm only worried now, that what I collected wouldn't be enough and I know that she found one my old diary, where I wrote about my s***de attempt and wrote there that I couldn't accept myself being so different than others. She threw it out. Without asking me. I'm furious and kinda want to sue her for that but I know it would be impossible and whatever outcome of such a court case would be, I would never receive my old diary. I don't want any reimbursement or any other thing. It would be also hard to prove that such a diary even existed. 

    Whatever outcome will be of my upcoming assessment I will never share with her. She won't even know that I had it. Once, two years ago I told her (because she asked) that my therapist diagnosed me with anxiety. She started laughing. So her reaction shows how she treats me.

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    My advice is to not let your mom inside your head, I try to keep conversations to inane subjects, when I’m working away from home I live with her for about 3 weeks at a time. I would also have been very angry about my diary being thrown away. I think they look at mental health as something not to be discussed, it would bring shame and makes us somehow less. They want a son or daughter who is the same as all their peers have. They think they have failed and it’s a stain on there character, their peers all have the same attitude

    You have your daughter and partner, they are your life, I would imagine your upcoming assessment is causing you a lot of stress,  the weeks before mine caused me to think about nothing else, I tried to have a response ready for any question they may have had. I have school reports and like you a very good memory. I got to the point of exhaustion.

    When the day actually came my wife took me to the appointment, no reports or  letters. I had got into such a state that they saw an unmasked autistic person.

    I gave an account of my childhood and adult life, I mentioned hospital admissions and other events. My word was enough, no paperwork needed.

    We got to the end of the day and my wife sat in on the last part, she helped with some things she had noticed about living with me. I remember one of the team saying that they didn’t normally give the result on the day, they normally go away and confer,  on this occasion it wouldn’t be necessary, they had decided I was autistic before lunchtime, the rest of the day had been a formality 

    iI try not to be too harsh about my mothers ways, I wonder if she is actually autistic, do you think your mother could be?

  • in reply to Roy

    I think my mom is kinda ND, more like ADHD I would say, my younger sister too. My mom says she wasn't popular at school, had just few friends. Ok, fine. But I was not just unpopular with just few friends,  I was a loner, weirdo, bullied, attacked, not liked by anyone. I asked her if she can see a difference. Unwillingly but she confirmed she does. 

    There are some similarities between me and her, which made her have a false picture of me and take me into her reference frame. 

    I also have all my school reports, some of medical records, also one admition to hospital with exhaustive report and description of the issue. I have old photos related to my special interests from that time, old emails from one family member where they sent me copies of my pictures I drew as a kid and short description of what they remember from my childhood. I'm no more in touch with that family member. The lady is fine with me coming without informant,  she may want to ask my husband few questions and he is willing to help me. He can see my everyday struggle and misunderstandings around non verbal communication. 

    Thank you, Roy for sharing your experience and advice.

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  • in reply to Roy

    I think my mom is kinda ND, more like ADHD I would say, my younger sister too. My mom says she wasn't popular at school, had just few friends. Ok, fine. But I was not just unpopular with just few friends,  I was a loner, weirdo, bullied, attacked, not liked by anyone. I asked her if she can see a difference. Unwillingly but she confirmed she does. 

    There are some similarities between me and her, which made her have a false picture of me and take me into her reference frame. 

    I also have all my school reports, some of medical records, also one admition to hospital with exhaustive report and description of the issue. I have old photos related to my special interests from that time, old emails from one family member where they sent me copies of my pictures I drew as a kid and short description of what they remember from my childhood. I'm no more in touch with that family member. The lady is fine with me coming without informant,  she may want to ask my husband few questions and he is willing to help me. He can see my everyday struggle and misunderstandings around non verbal communication. 

    Thank you, Roy for sharing your experience and advice.

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