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Getting a diagnosis kinda unlocked something I think

Taken2Heart

So I got my diagnosis over a month ago.

I'm currently off work with work related stress and currently had early concilliation (I got my certificate to go to tribunal and a solicitor is drafting my et1 form). It's for disability discrimination and continuing course of conduct among a litany of other failures. But it isn't about that...

I grew up where I never fit in. I can't count now how many memories I have that hurt or crushed me. You could say there's a great deal of trauma there. 

Getting a diagnosis, as I process it, did a number of things. Firstly I gave up on myself. Not to the darkest corners of my mind but more that whatever load I was carrying - it meant I could simply stop. And I did. I didn't know what days we were in, I stopped looking after myself and I just stopped functioning. 

Because those memories came back - were talking childhood, college, friendships long gone. All roiled into also my work situation 

Others would say I'm licking my wounds but really I think I was simply angry. Had anyone known earlier alot of the issues would never have happened. But the worst part was - so many people past and present simply thought it was ok to treat someone so poorly who was trying to fit in and that, frankly, hits the hardest. I have detested bullies and strive to be the person I needed growing up.

I've not picked up my mental 'sword' yet. I haven't dusted off my jacket and walked out of my proverbial personal hell. But it gave me some clarity. 

The more I read up on what I am all about (divergent) I realise it's starts to become a roadmap to how people will react to me. And being the stubborn person I can be.. that roadmap will have only one useful thing - not for me to shrink or hold back. It's telling me that I don't fit in that box or need to walk into a room of naysayers. That's how I feel currently anyways.

I am allowed to protect my peace.

I am tired. Angry. And somehow little by little a bit of a spark is happening. I have nothing to owe and (hidden) social rules work for the those who want to hide. Or isolate people who are different.

So yes, a diagnosis can help. It can also dismantle any illusion your world has fortified itself around you. It's not a cure all. But it's a start.  It's early days for me I think - too much to process. 

A quote I've recently seen I thought I'd share:  

"But here's the thing about people like her..

..They don't break like glass. They break like bone. They heal, they knit themselves back together, and they come back stronger than before. The scars are just part of the structure now."

Parents

  • Thank you for posting this Takentoheart.  I am in the very early stages of waiting for an assessment though I had an assessment for adhd and there are strong indicators of autism.  Later diagnosed, 50's.

    I am finding it all very difficult to accept.  For years I have struggled to find belonging and have experienced a lot of bullying and ostracising along the way.  It feels like I have constantly tried to fit in.  I am just about to undergo some emdr for the extent of abuse I have experienced particularly in my younger years.  It's there all the time. I have tried so hard to push myself through, to fit and what is more been driven to excel at things I couldn't possibly achieve.  When I achieved the golden educational standards I was encouraged to achieve,  I then couldn't get a job that matched these credentials.  Consequently, I have always felt like a failure. The perfectionist thing plays havoc and somehow I end up feeling like I've got to save the world when I can't save myself. People pleasing has always been a thing for me.  Perhaps as a way of acceptance.  Feeling accepted and accepting the self.  How do you get there?

    I'm concerned about the lack of support out there and consequently the expense of trying to get support.  It does feel very isolating.  I don't want to isolate but it feels difficult to find where I fit.  It explains why I often create mini worlds in my mind.  Favourite people, safe spaces detached from the rest of the world.  

    I feel overwhelmed, like you say too much to process. Too much to accept.  There is a huge sense of loss around all of this.  A grief I can't quite name.  

    I would be very interested to hear your thoughts along your journey takentoheart.  I like your quote.  I have a strong interest in poetry and writing so this is right up my street.

Reply

  • Thank you for posting this Takentoheart.  I am in the very early stages of waiting for an assessment though I had an assessment for adhd and there are strong indicators of autism.  Later diagnosed, 50's.

    I am finding it all very difficult to accept.  For years I have struggled to find belonging and have experienced a lot of bullying and ostracising along the way.  It feels like I have constantly tried to fit in.  I am just about to undergo some emdr for the extent of abuse I have experienced particularly in my younger years.  It's there all the time. I have tried so hard to push myself through, to fit and what is more been driven to excel at things I couldn't possibly achieve.  When I achieved the golden educational standards I was encouraged to achieve,  I then couldn't get a job that matched these credentials.  Consequently, I have always felt like a failure. The perfectionist thing plays havoc and somehow I end up feeling like I've got to save the world when I can't save myself. People pleasing has always been a thing for me.  Perhaps as a way of acceptance.  Feeling accepted and accepting the self.  How do you get there?

    I'm concerned about the lack of support out there and consequently the expense of trying to get support.  It does feel very isolating.  I don't want to isolate but it feels difficult to find where I fit.  It explains why I often create mini worlds in my mind.  Favourite people, safe spaces detached from the rest of the world.  

    I feel overwhelmed, like you say too much to process. Too much to accept.  There is a huge sense of loss around all of this.  A grief I can't quite name.  

    I would be very interested to hear your thoughts along your journey takentoheart.  I like your quote.  I have a strong interest in poetry and writing so this is right up my street.

Children
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