Published on 12, July, 2020
If I am going to learn how to manage my autism symptoms, then I've decided that I don't want to be in any neurotypical environment anymore - I find neurotypical environments to be too toxic. Watching my sisters and their friends have children of their own is an extremely sad reminder of my mental condition, and I feel that I am unable to be around my parents anymore let alone continue living with them because of the burden that comes with caring for someone with special needs. I am considering living in a suitable autism-friendly environment where I will be spending all day in sensory gardens as a means of permanent respite; focusing on having access to all types of sensory therapies is for the best. The plan for the near future is to start seeing a professional psychiatrist and start looking at being provided with holistic support from the special needs therapeutic educational charities and therapeutic intervention services that I am looking into at the moment. When I start being provided with a special needs mental health team, they need to treat me like an adult but at the same time be capable of cognitive empathy rather than have unrealistic expectations that I will only end up struggling to meet. I will continue self-injuring and hitting myself in the head in frustration, I will continue physically hurting myself and suffering from severe depression and having thoughts of suicide because of the torture that comes with being on the autism spectrum - I have no choice but to learn to live with these demons. People die by suicide every day. Society needs to stop looking at suicide as something considered taboo.
eh?first of all society needs to stop glamorising and making suicide seem edgy and cool especially targeted to kids. if anything it needs to be taboo again, and lame and cringe.a alternative to hurting yourself in a negative way.... would be hurting yourself in a positive way such as weight lifting.consider weight lifting to be self torture, self inflicted pain... also it can symbolise bearing the weight of burden, the weight of the world upon your shoulders.... lift weights, torture yourself through the pain and burden of weight lifting... your body will grow big and strong, you will gain a new sense of living through it and be changed. it still classes as self harm in your mind, everytime you feel bad and want to self harm hit the weights, bear that weight of the world, pick up that burden and lift. get swole, get ripped, then anything is possible and no burden is too heavy for you.
be the promethean ubermensch!!
foolish.
I found the soap box.. here goes....
First off, we are immortal souls,- there is no oblivion, no escape, no need to escape. We can only go forward. The search for oblivion is pointless. It does not exist.
We take on these mortal coils and come here for a looky-loo and some fun. Not to find out what is expected of us and do that. That is tyranny of the soul. One should never enslave oneself to the the tyranny of another's expectations of us.
We are each so unique and our gifts of such value, that to stymie one persons self-determination and pride of place, just to please another persons sense of "right", is the greatest theft we commit upon ourselves: the theft of self-determination.
We interact with other souls with whom we hope to both enhance our own and the other's experiences and deepen our understanding. And we are enhanced by this, in both empathy and spirit. Being one's most authentic self, therefore, is the greatest gift one person a give another.
Time changes things. People around us also change. all things change. Again, there is no such thing as oblivion, only the swirling hurly-burly of all possibility that existence offers. We all have the desire to enhance our soul's journey along the way through experiences in all their varieties.
To wit, and again:
There is no finality. the universe is limitless and ever expanding to include all experience.
Our perceived distress is, 100% of the time, of our own, inescapable making. Make something else, some new and awesome something. Everything else is just a waste of time.
We are immortals on a sojourn here. If we leave without fulfilling (not what others think we should be fulfilling) the experiences we came to seek – our reason for coming at all – we rob only ourselves and defeat our own goals. It's pointless and self defeating.
I'm inclined to agree Number.I have observed that when members start discussions or leave comments, their points increase. If they delete comments or discussions, then their points decrease.
Fellow forum folk.
I do not believe that it is possible to achieve a "zero point score" if you have started a thread here. This only seems possible when one of my special interests is involved.
For your consideration.......
Yours,
Number.
Although I think I can agree with the sentiemnt behind what you write I have to down vote you for exactly the same reason I'd down vote anyone who might suggest that we ought to have a general right to own a gun.
The taboo against suicide has a beneficial purpose for as many people who try to commit the act and are saved by a stranger or relative, (who is motivated by, and maybe even employed in the service of that taboo, as it is a barrier to those who genuinely need to "make it stop".
If there were Futurama style "suicicde booths" I'd bet a nice George head 22 carat Gold sovereign, that at least one of the more gifted and helpful posters would have walked into one at some point.
Be careful what you wish (or vote) for!
*Edit* I used the word "Vote" in it's general election sense and not in relation to how people vote here.
NAS90559 said:Society needs to stop looking at suicide as something considered taboo.
I certainly agree with this.
Why is your sisters raising a family, and you continually living with your parents, seen as toxic, yet self-harm and su*cidal ideation, are not seen as toxic by you?
I wonder if you go to an autism-friendly sanctuary, where there's mental health staff there to assist you, who's going to cover the costs of that?
You have a great dream of getting to live in or near a lovely sensory garden, with access to other types of sensory therapies and holistic support. So, obs, the way forward is towards that dream and not away from it, yes?
It will take time and the world at large will have to meet you half way and you, half way to them. This is your birthright and your strength.
You got this. You are awesome and vibrant, able to to move forward into abundant as soon as you make your wishes known to yourself.
Above all. Be yourself, everyone else is taken. !
There's an awful lot in your proposed lifestyle that requires other people to play their part and be nice in order for you to stop hurting yourself...
This isn't a criticism per-se, but I am pointing out what I believe to be a serious impediment to your "route to happiness".
Furthermore: About twelve years ago I found myself in an odd situation of being asked to provide sancuary for a sixteen year old self harming girl who was a compete stranger to me. Social services were involved and supervising this poor abused girl who was clearly very unhappy and confused, and to my utter surprise they were only too happy to leave her living in some un-vetted 50 year old blokes flat entirlely unsupervised!! (At least they gave her two full bags of food and a pathway to some social beneits.
She took six months to recover enough of herself to stop with the self harming, and straighten up and fly right.
My point is that you may well NOT have to "live with demons".
I believe that the transformation I witnessed in the girl who stayed in my flat was effected by my giving her a psycho/spiritual physical sancturary. I gave her my room (it was clean, sparsely furnished, but most importantly for her piece of mind had a little lock on the inside.. I did the basic spirit work that most major religions use to purify an area (just to be safe) when she was out or asleep, and asked her periodically to "Give me a number" That being an indication of her personal happiness or misery with 1 being miserable and 5 being happy. Every time she gave me a number it made her evaluate her own happiness, and in time she made that number as high as 3! Then one day she told me that she was getting herself a flat... She walked out not slouching, with her arms actaully visible to the world, and into what is by all accounts quite a happy and successful life.
But SHE did it all, she learned to create her OWN sanctuary, physically by having her own area under her control, and taking frequent rests. Then she'd get up and decide how her day was going to go.
She effectively learned to build her own nice world, and of course, why did she then need to self harm? She was (I believe) acting under the effects of PTSD / ongoing stress due to different stressors than you report.
Demons are scary and oppressive, BUT CAN BE BEATEN. The only advice I can offer you (and I take it myself) is: turn your self harming and rage in the demons direction, rather than your own.
I hope this helps you find an easier and happier path than "relying on the kindness of strangers".
In my experince you are better off relying on the kindness and benevolence of the god who created us, but that's a whole different topic! Worth noting though, that the girl did (independently of my own faint faith) have a "come to Jesus moment" and joined a church and started practciing one of the many variants of Christianity, and that may well have helped her with her life, as my own non church and more disintermediated version seems to have helped me.
How ever you get there, it's YOUR life, and it's YOUR job to make it a good one!
I'm trying to learn to live with mine too. I'm almost 50 and only recently got a confirmation that it's autism I've been battling with my whole life.
Every autistic person will have a slightly different experience of life and different circumstances, but one thing I feel is common is that we often feel tortured by our differences and find that most of those are only really understand very a problem in the "neuro typical" world.
One thing I find hard is to explain to neuro typical people how I feel and while I expect to be treated equally and fairly that seems to contradict me saying that I find certain situations impossibly hard so need people to make allowances.
I can understand you thinking that removing yourself from society and living somewhere specially suited will help, I imagine it will to some extent as you won't have these issues every day there. But, I guess it depends how much you want to fit in to society, are you sure you want to retreat totally? Is the desire to be part of it great enough?
I'm sure nobody sees you as a burden, that's something you're thinking yourself due to feeling low.
Maybe either way, taking time out in an autistic friendly environment will help, even if you just use it as somewhere to recharge your emotions and find your strength.
Good luck, it can all be ok and I'm sure it will, just keep your chin up and take care of yourself.
Dear NAS90559,
Thank you for posting and telling the community what you are going through. We are sorry to hear that you are currently experiencing sever depression and thoughts of hurting yourself. It is good that you’ve let us know what’s happening and how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.
If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support.
The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. We advise you to contact 999 or any of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page if you are at risk of immediate harm: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help
If you are not at immediate risk of harm, we would encourage you to speak to your GP or another health professional about this if you haven’t done so already. If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/
You may also find the our NAS mental health resources useful:
Help for anyone struggling to cope:
We hope this is helpful to you.
Kind regards,
Rosie Mod