Published on 12, July, 2020
Recently in a conversation with my sister a topic came out. It actually triggered my bad memories. My sister laughed at my terrible behavior from my childhood and teens. I’m not gonna dwell on how traumatic that felt to me, but I’m just curious, if anyone knows why I could have actually had such outbursts. I had either angry outbursts after coming back from school, I threw things, swore, cried or I sat in a corner and sobbed loudly. I couldn’t even say, why. Maybe reaction to stress after school, maybe something else. The worst thing is that everyday once a day I had to check if my belongings are on their places. If something was missing, I got nervous and started searching that thing fervently even if I didn’t need it. If I couldn’t find it within few minutes, my stress got so high, I couldn’t stand the thing that something is missing. Then I lost control over myself and started screaming, squeaking, swearing through clenched teeth, throwing and breaking things. I had a terrible flow of power, often I also pulled my own hair or hit myself. I recall it like kinda through a fog. It lasted few minutes because I had no more energy but it always took me long time, the rest of the day to recover. Even if I had a nap after that, it didn’t help. I know from conversations with my parents that my behavior was completely immature, idiotic and I know that they used to lock me alone in the room till they heard silence. I don’t experience such things anymore because I avoid checking on my things and their places if I don’t need them. If I get so upset that I can’t find something then I just leave and breathe deeply and stem to calm down to avoid having tantrum in front of my daughter. The main question is, has anyone any idea what really could have caused this kind of behavior and what it actually was? Temper tantrum? But I didn’t do it to get anything my way, it was rather a frustration or too much stress. Any thoughts will be appreciated. Maybe someone had similar experience?
Sounds like school was torture
Yes, especially school breaks. That noise and smells were unbearable but I was refused earplugs and breaks in separate room. I was forced to deal with this sensory hell
I never really fit in at school and that should of been a sign for autism but it wasn't talked about back then I had a friend who had adhd and this was just labelled naughty naughty child disorder
I had meltdowns almost daily at school to the point I physically hurt another kid and it was only after such meltdowns teachers would help me cope better
Even though we had other kids who were known to be autistic ar achool back then autism was a stereotype you had to have the autistic speech pattern or not make eye contact they never saw many of the other symptoms
I guess school being so bad led to alot of masking and I still wont be my true self unless I trust the person
sometimes I have meltdowns and when I have them sometimes I cry or get mad at someone for no reason and I am the same way and I use to get upset at school when I was in collage because others won't listen to me when I was there and there were calling me names that made sad and made me not go back anymore because I feel like did not belong there at all