Struggling for years. Scared I won't get better. I know there is more to life but I don't know how to attain it.

I find it difficult to meet people in my personal life that can relate to the feelings I experience. I understand we all experience loneliness, abandonment, trauma, life is suffering but it is also a joyous sacred thing. When having conversations with others, like today, a new family has moved into the block of flats and she was asking for help with the keys, within the conversation she mentioned how she didn't want her baby to become clingy so gave her little girl to all her family members(she worded it a bit differently). I mentioned how he gets a bit fussy around new people you see. 

What a simple, friendly conversation. But my mind has been all over the place since. I became an instant shell of the previously happily person i had been today. Sunken in my loniless that, truthly, I am usually quite humble with, but it came in and felt so suffocating today. The question keeps going through my mind, I'd never ask a person to their face because I feel it be taken the wrong way but I am genuinely genuinely intrugied how it feels to not be unloved and uncared for by your own family or those that may not be blood but are like family. I have often hated myself for not being able to be this person they actually like and want to speak to. Let alone help me with my little baby boy. I honeslty don't know how it feels, to have that type of support and trust and love. 

Families have difficulties, every single one. Poor, rich, there is no difference in the fact family dynamics are rarely "perfect", but to simply have a family, to have a yearly meet up because we all want too. Before my baby I accepted a lot of this. A lot of my past was put to rest. But since having my baby all of the pain from these experiences have been taking a tole on me. 

I share the home with my babies father, we are not together and have been seperated near enough as soon as we had the baby. I won't go into detail right now but what is relevant is how him and I really don't get along very much. Yes we can have happy moments, but I am very unhappy about certain things that have happened and because of the lack of family I have nobody to turn to for help out of this situation. 

I know its a lot to put onto one assessment, but I have been confused and fully aware I need to get better for a long time, I've gone to the doctors and have been turned away for help just as many times as I've gone. I will be going down on Monday with an organised folder with every bit of information I need to have my refferal taken seriously because I'm truly scared of how my mind can be when everything is too chaotic for me and I really need some support in real life.

Im sorry for oversharing and being a little bit down in this, but thank you, I appreciate if you've read this