Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I have been feeling like a massive failure for a while and this is plaguing me and not helping me get anywhere- but I may have just had an epiphany and wanted to share and see what you think? And also ask how you deal with feelings of failure?
so basically focusing on positives has not worked for me because clearly there are a lot of issues...
so i started writing all the reasons i am a huge failure accross my scrapbook. I then looked at them more closely
- all listings of past failures, i dismissed. That’s the past and it doesn’t help to feel bad now about those- only useful thing might be to analyse why it went wrong (if it is same kind of failure)
- some points were simply irrelevant or unsubstantiated
- then i realised there were several reasons that are actually valid concerns. So i acknowledged that yes I did fail. No use being all positive and pretending it isn’t that bad when in fact there is a serious issue (in my case repeated burnouts- this time again so bad i am no longer capable of doing my job or much else and am also physically unwell and underweight due to issues with digestion, eating and stress). But I then thought ok. Well I am like an experiment that failed and I need to troubleshoot. Step 1 is acknowledging it went wrong Step 2 - list all possible reasons why and factors that could have contributed Step 3: pick those factors and reasons that seem to have played biggest part and are likely to have biggest impact (or those are easily fixable) and start addressing them. Step 4: try again and see what happens. Step 5: repeat the above until it is working to a satisfactory level...
- i also realised there were some reasons and fears that i could truth check/ - like feeling like a failure because my friends would hate me if they knew how much i am failing and struggling- so i realised i have to start confiding in more people... i also realised having to pretend to be ok all the time Is super exhausting and isolating.
i have no idea if my new idea is going to help me, but I feel like this is one of the most helpful thought processes i have had about my feelings of being a failure. I feel much better acknowledging that yes I failed at things and it’s ok. And there are valid reasons i am feeling this way but i will now try and address those reasons. I also think what helped is that i realised that in past i never properly addressed a lot of issues so past failures do not mean future success is impossible. I hope it is not as I need to learn to cope with life.
i’m curious- how do you deal with feeling like a failure?
Hi Ann,
I really relate to a lot of your message, I had spent my whole life trying to be neurotypical and keeping all the plates spinning or I thought I had been. It wasn’t until the realisation of autism and a year long burnout happened that I changed my perception of me. I occasionally dipped into Facebook and saw my peers with holiday homes and new cars, why haven’t I got anywhere and struggle, I’ve let my family down, they have sometimes gone without because of me. I now realise, I was never neurotypical and never will be, I find I get further now by not setting myself so many goals and not punishing myself if I don’t achieve everything. I now know things that failed in the past weren’t my fault, I was just try to do them like an NT. They were the only model I had to try and copy. I now accept autism and make some aspect of it work for me. Not putting myself in stressful situations is my right. If I was you which I’m obviously not, I would try and get your physical health sorted out first, there’s nothing worse than physically unwell and mentally struggling as well. Remember you haven’t failed the world, the world has often failed us.hope your feeling better soon.
Hi Roy,
I think your point about acceptance is important. My eldest was very academically bright and got a good degree and a Masters, but when he went into the workplace he soon realised that the jobs he tried just made him miserable. He had to accept that that kind of work was never going to make him happy - he didn’t find the work satisfying and he found the social stuff in that type of workplace incredibly torturous and tedious. Ultimately he knows that he has to do something else that is more attuned to him as a person. I realise that your situation (Ann) is different to my son’s - but I think that sometimes we just have to accept that we need to change something because it just isn’t going to ever feel ‘comfortable’ for us - be that a job or profession, or a relationship, or a place where we live. We need to ask : what can I do to make this work for me? But sometimes we have to accept that we might need to make a fundamental change in some way. I think Autistic people often end up in burnout because we are trying to FORCE ourselves to be ok with things that fundamentally are not ok for us - and might never be ok for us. My youngest dropped out of college because ultimately the pressure it was putting on him became completely intolerable- it was making him ill. Some people might view dropping out of college as ‘failing’ or ‘giving up’ - but he HAD to do it for his health. In my opinion no job is more important that taking care of our health. We have to take care of ourselves - it’s crucial. My son was feeling suicidal - it got that bad. We can only push ourselves so far - or the toll it can take is too high a price to pay.
I fully agree, we are often a round peg trying to bang ourselves into a square hole. The problem is, we were told for most our lives that we were a square peg. The people I was trying to be like aren’t me, they are wheelers and dealers, my IQ is higher than most of them put together but I don’t function like them , your son is obviously clever, it’s just find out now where he can harness his skills in a workplace that suits him. It is the forcing ourselves into something unsustainable that causes burnout.
I think its often about working however many times harder than other people but with same or less pay back