Feeling like a failure- idea of how to deal with it

Hi Ann :) 

I think your approach is a good one - and probably very suited to the analytical abilities you have from your education/profession. 
I think that when we have these feelings of failure one of the unfortunate side effect of that is that we lack energy and motivation - and I think that treating our problems as a sort of ‘research project’ is actually very motivating and puts us back in control of the situation. There really is a lot we can do for ourselves - and that feels empowering - which is in itself a huge positive. 
This is why having an autism diagnosis is so important - because the more we understand why we react to things in the way we do the better we will be at navigating those problems and challenges when we meet them. 

I’ve frequently felt like a failure at various points throughout my life. I’ve often felt terrible about the fact that some things - that other people seem to find so easy - are incredibly difficult and stressful for me. It makes me feel weak and useless sometimes. However my son says that he thinks I’m a strong person - because even though I find things very scary I do still try to do them. They say don’t they that being courageous isn’t ‘not being scared’ - courage is still doing things even though you DO find them scary. 

I remember Ann that you’ve done loads of really intimidating and stressful things (like changing job, moving country, moving house) - you may have struggled and got stressed out but you’ve still gone ahead and done these things - that shows incredible courage. 

i think though that you ideally wouldn’t be living with the level of stress and pressure that you are. I think this level of background constant stress is so common for autistic people (it certainly is for me and both my children). It’s exhausting and I think that the constant struggle and high level of exhaustion chips away at our self esteem until eventually we end up feeling terrible about ourselves. And like we are failures. It’s not at all surprising. 

The truth is that the society we live in is not autism friendly, we live in a very demanding, competitive society that puts a huge amount of pressure on everyone. Capitalist societies are not MEANT to comfortable, or feel safe. They are designed to drive people on - not make them feel safe and relaxed. 
I think a part of the ‘average autistic’ person’s psychology is an inherent discomfort with a society that is essentially designed by - and for - neurotypicals. So in a way we are almost destined to ‘fail’ in these systems. I often think though that a very healthy, well balanced and spiritually wise human being would probably also reject a lot of the stuff that society is expecting of us. I think to a degree that being ‘out of step’ with the norms of a western, capitalist society is actually a healthy response. Anyway - I’m going off on a tangent here!

Ultimately I think we feel like failures as autistic people due to multifactorial issues: our upbringing, our inherent autistic characteristics, societal norms that are often unhealthy and toxic, and pure exhaustion from having to deal with it all. Tiredness takes a terrible toll on us. 

There’s no denying that life as an autistic person is hard. It’s not classed as a disability for nothing. Just as with any disability we have to find ways to compensate for the difficulties we have. Like you are doing we need to analyse what our personal difficulties are and find ways to overcome them. Sometimes we can’t overcome them and need to make life changes. It’s a long process and we don’t get nearly enough help with it. 

I think we need to research on many levels - practical, psychological and sometimes spiritual - to find answers to all these challenges. But I think it’s true that this process we go through makes us wiser and more empathetic human beings. Struggle is painful but we grow and learn from going through struggles. So there are rewards. 

I’ve been reading ‘The Book of Joy’ by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu and it’s absolutely wonderful. Fantastic insights into how we can find peace and joy in our lives even though we face all the challenges and difficulties that life inevitably throws at us. 
There are lots of things we can’t change - but we can definitely change our PERSPECTIVE on things. Changing our perspective is actually relatively easy. For example ‘I am a failure’ is an opinion. Are you a kind person? Are you a thoughtful person? Have you tried your best to do the right thing? Have you worked hard? Are you an honest person? Have you learned a lot in your life so far? I’m guessing that you’d say ‘yes’ to most of these things? Because if you have then you are not a failure AS A HUMAN BEING. When we measure ourselves as a ‘failure’ we often are measuring ourselves against a certain set of standards set by someone else, or by societal rules that might not be valid. 

One of my sons did brilliantly at school (academically) and went to an elite University, and one of my son’s struggled at school, had to drop out of college and currently is at home. Neither of them are ‘failures’ because they are both wonderful human beings. That’s all I ask of them. It’s all we should ask of anyone - including ourselves.

imagine an autistic man who struggled through school, and had many challenges in life. He might get a job 2 days a week volunteering at his local charity shop - and end up enjoying this work and helping people coming into the shop. He’s not a failure. I’m sure you wouldn’t call him a “failure” (I certainly wouldn’t) - so why be so hard on yourself? We need to be kind to ourselves. We’re doing our best. It’s hard but we keep trying, we keep learning, we are doing our best. That takes real courage. We’re trying a find a way that we can be happy as autistic people in a society that in many ways is quite hostile to us. Maybe very hostile in fact. That’s not easy. We should give ourselves credit for all our efforts as we try to navigate this challenge. It’s hard work and it takes a lot of courage. 

Hi Ann :) 

I think your approach is a good one - and probably very suited to the analytical abilities you have from your education/profession. 
I think that when we have these feelings of failure one of the unfortunate side effect of that is that we lack energy and motivation - and I think that treating our problems as a sort of ‘research project’ is actually very motivating and puts us back in control of the situation. There really is a lot we can do for ourselves - and that feels empowering - which is in itself a huge positive. 
This is why having an autism diagnosis is so important - because the more we understand why we react to things in the way we do the better we will be at navigating those problems and challenges when we meet them. 

I’ve frequently felt like a failure at various points throughout my life. I’ve often felt terrible about the fact that some things - that other people seem to find so easy - are incredibly difficult and stressful for me. It makes me feel weak and useless sometimes. However my son says that he thinks I’m a strong person - because even though I find things very scary I do still try to do them. They say don’t they that being courageous isn’t ‘not being scared’ - courage is still doing things even though you DO find them scary. 

I remember Ann that you’ve done loads of really intimidating and stressful things (like changing job, moving country, moving house) - you may have struggled and got stressed out but you’ve still gone ahead and done these things - that shows incredible courage. 

i think though that you ideally wouldn’t be living with the level of stress and pressure that you are. I think this level of background constant stress is so common for autistic people (it certainly is for me and both my children). It’s exhausting and I think that the constant struggle and high level of exhaustion chips away at our self esteem until eventually we end up feeling terrible about ourselves. And like we are failures. It’s not at all surprising. 

The truth is that the society we live in is not autism friendly, we live in a very demanding, competitive society that puts a huge amount of pressure on everyone. Capitalist societies are not MEANT to comfortable, or feel safe. They are designed to drive people on - not make them feel safe and relaxed. 
I think a part of the ‘average autistic’ person’s psychology is an inherent discomfort with a society that is essentially designed by - and for - neurotypicals. So in a way we are almost destined to ‘fail’ in these systems. I often think though that a very healthy, well balanced and spiritually wise human being would probably also reject a lot of the stuff that society is expecting of us. I think to a degree that being ‘out of step’ with the norms of a western, capitalist society is actually a healthy response. Anyway - I’m going off on a tangent here!

Ultimately I think we feel like failures as autistic people due to multifactorial issues: our upbringing, our inherent autistic characteristics, societal norms that are often unhealthy and toxic, and pure exhaustion from having to deal with it all. Tiredness takes a terrible toll on us. 

There’s no denying that life as an autistic person is hard. It’s not classed as a disability for nothing. Just as with any disability we have to find ways to compensate for the difficulties we have. Like you are doing we need to analyse what our personal difficulties are and find ways to overcome them. Sometimes we can’t overcome them and need to make life changes. It’s a long process and we don’t get nearly enough help with it. 

I think we need to research on many levels - practical, psychological and sometimes spiritual - to find answers to all these challenges. But I think it’s true that this process we go through makes us wiser and more empathetic human beings. Struggle is painful but we grow and learn from going through struggles. So there are rewards. 

I’ve been reading ‘The Book of Joy’ by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu and it’s absolutely wonderful. Fantastic insights into how we can find peace and joy in our lives even though we face all the challenges and difficulties that life inevitably throws at us. 
There are lots of things we can’t change - but we can definitely change our PERSPECTIVE on things. Changing our perspective is actually relatively easy. For example ‘I am a failure’ is an opinion. Are you a kind person? Are you a thoughtful person? Have you tried your best to do the right thing? Have you worked hard? Are you an honest person? Have you learned a lot in your life so far? I’m guessing that you’d say ‘yes’ to most of these things? Because if you have then you are not a failure AS A HUMAN BEING. When we measure ourselves as a ‘failure’ we often are measuring ourselves against a certain set of standards set by someone else, or by societal rules that might not be valid. 

One of my sons did brilliantly at school (academically) and went to an elite University, and one of my son’s struggled at school, had to drop out of college and currently is at home. Neither of them are ‘failures’ because they are both wonderful human beings. That’s all I ask of them. It’s all we should ask of anyone - including ourselves.

imagine an autistic man who struggled through school, and had many challenges in life. He might get a job 2 days a week volunteering at his local charity shop - and end up enjoying this work and helping people coming into the shop. He’s not a failure. I’m sure you wouldn’t call him a “failure” (I certainly wouldn’t) - so why be so hard on yourself? We need to be kind to ourselves. We’re doing our best. It’s hard but we keep trying, we keep learning, we are doing our best. That takes real courage. We’re trying a find a way that we can be happy as autistic people in a society that in many ways is quite hostile to us. Maybe very hostile in fact. That’s not easy. We should give ourselves credit for all our efforts as we try to navigate this challenge. It’s hard work and it takes a lot of courage.