Published on 12, July, 2020
I am a 34 year old male with Asperger's syndrome. I've been "officially" diagnosed since I was 19 years old. The "professionals" now think I may have borderline personality disorder. Other than my parents, I have very little to no social interaction. General "life" frightens me. I don't seem to fit in. Anyone else feel the same??
i will deal with each statement in turn.
"No matter how much I ever tell myself I am a good person (rarely i must say,) there's always some one who will say/do/or sometimes must a feeling, I'm worthless again, so with my low opinion of myself, what's the point of telling myself I'm a good person." <----this 'telling myself' strategy is flawed. it will not work/will never work. one does not /tell/ oneself one is a good person. this is the CBT approach. it's flawed. it will not matter however many times one tells oneself, even up to the point of being blue in the face as the saying goes, it will never work. why? because it is false. it is a false premise. it is not dealing with the /cause/. (i will address cause further down in Strategies)
"It seems tireless and pointless."<---yes, because it is false. it sucks up all the energy one has and is fruitless. because it is false it is a vaneer of fragility, it is a lie, it is a mask, it has no foundation, it is like papering over the cracks. (see Strategies further down for dealing with this)
"Guilt, not sure about this, maybes being bullied...."<---yes. this is where you begin. the self-esteem and self-worth foundation stones. this is part of the Strategies.
"Maybe I've listened too many many negatively dull people in life I've become or becoming a negatively dull person."<----yes. you see yourself through others eyes, how they see you, their judgement, their negativity, their misunderstanding, their lies, their fears, their ineptitudes, their shortcomings, their crass behaviour in the face of something they don't understand. (see why bullying happens below)
"If something's broken (more so in the past, people would blame me for whatever reason this is, even if I wasn't at fault."<---this is key. another foundation stone here. blame. blame and guilt are connected and go hand in hand. invariably, the blame is unwarranted (remember what i said about remorse being true and guilt being false?) blame is about punishing and punishment. it undermines the self-worth and self-esteem because there is no defence against blame except to say "No, not me. That's not fair.". if others do not see the value of another person, if others do not value another person, this does not mean that the person has no self-worth or self-esteem. other peoples judgement is invariably FALSE, erroneous, untrue, and unfair. others blame because it is easy, and easier, rather than understand what is the true cause of an issue eg, a broken plate, an accident etc etc. blame is a passive aggressive defence mechanism perpetrated by others and directed by individuals towards those around them to deflect accusation or any possible accusation of fault from themselves. it is a primitive behaviour, unsophisticated and indicative of a lack of self-worth and self-esteem, and also courage and even temper. it is, in effect, infantile. it is also irresponsible - take note, the responsible person owns up to the fault and expresses remorse, the irresponsible person blames and projects guilt onto others in order to rejuvenate their own self-esteem and self-worth, they take from others what they lack in themselves - see bullying.
"I'm definitely a week person, I give in too easily, I don't or very rarely try new things, it probably builds up and up and then boom."<--- there is no such thing as an entirely weak person or an entirely strong person. everyone has weaknesses and strengths in equal measure. a re-evaluation of your 'set' of information regarding what defines a weak or strong person requires seriously reflection here - who gave you the list of attributes you keep as a benchmark of how you judge weak or strong? i don't need to know, but pose this question as a reflective tool. as for "boom", yes, you are on the right track about the building up, in that unresolved issues build up and compound creating negative patterns of behaviour that repeat over and over.
"If I could get to the stage where my "nasty thoughts" were few and better controlled i'd be happier..."<---yes, you are absolutely correct, and it is doable, but takes time. and eventually control is not required, because there will be no nasty thoughts, they will become resolved issues that you eventually understand. (see Strategies).
"...it's putting the theory into practise that is, what seem impossible for me to event get to."<---yes, it is about theory into practise, you are absolutely correct. it is doable, and takes time but is achieveable (see Strategies)
So now onto Strategies:
i will outline an overview of strategies i have followed/devised based on experience/research/testing/observation/trial and error.
i would recommend the following awareness when it comes to Strategies:
do only what you want to do, when you are ready, do not feel you have to, nor impose any regime upon yourself as in "have to do this today" or "should do this" or "must do this". rather, take the approach of: when you want to, when you feel ready you can. anything forced or enforced will not work.
observe.
time is your friend
there is no wrong or right way to do anything
find your own path through, discard what you don't need or don't think works - but give all things time as things happen in their own time
the strategies themselves:
deconstruction and deconstructing the false self-image: this is closely related to the ptsd elements so i will deal with these in conjuction.
a) the jenga game - think of ptsd as a jenga game. a stack of bricks. each trauma event in one's life (or other significant event contributing towards the negative self image) is a brick in the stack. the most efficient way of deconstructing would be to remove the foundation bricks, but in order to do so, the event each brick relates to must be remembered first. this can prove to be difficult, as often events cannot be easily recalled. therefore, start with the easiest, eventually, the tower will crumble. but note: removing a brick does not only involve remembering the event, or knowing the event, but also understanding how it fits together with all the other bricks, both under it, and on top. as you can imagine, this can be tricky.
b) the tree - you have no doubt heard of the tree of life. if one thinks of a person being like a tree, they will have many branches. dependent upon how the tree has been cultivated, what negative or positive factors it has experienced, will have an effect on how it grows. if the tree has been nurtured, it will be happy and healthy in its 'treeness'. conversely, if it has been hacked, badly pruned, starved of nutrients and sunlight, it will be suffering. of a tree, there are many branches. some branches unbalance the tree, one branch, will be ptsd. this will need pruning away, gently and with careful observation and understanding so as not to injure or adversely effect other healthy branches. equally, every event the tree has experienced will be evidenced in the rings of its growth, and in order to identify all, we would have to cut down the tree, but we don't want to destroy it, we want to give it the best chance, so we look to the branches, the leaves, and the roots. the roots are the most important (the unconscious) but we don't want to disturb them unnecessarily, much like the trunk of the tree (the sub-conscious) so we look to the evidence outside (the conscious) the branches and the leaves. if necessary, we can transplant the tree to fresh ground (lifestyle changes, changes in exercise, diet, better home/living conditions eg. cleaner home, etc. event moving away from 'contaminated' environments/people or adverse conditions eg. change of job). ultimately, all trees are trees, regardless of what fruit they bear or the shape of their leaves.
c) the lifeline - like rings on a tree, we all have a life line. from the day we are born to the day we die. by writing down our life line, and marking any significant events in that year, much like marking out the rings on a tree, we can identify i) significant or possible trauma events ii) the order of the stacks of bricks in the jenga-game. each event can then be re-examined in its context with both /then/ and /now/. repeated reactions or behaviours can be identified. but also what is most important is /WHY/ these events occurred. understanding why is of the most importance. without why, there can be no resolution, no pruning away of bad branches, no removal of bricks. understand why has the effect of removing a brick from the stack. so it is best to start with the most accessible, but not necessarily the bricks at the top. start with the most /significant/ event, and examine it in detail, and find the why. all events will be linked, like branches on the tree they will stem off the trunk. understanding /why/ an event occurred is key.
Notes: the following are notes and general observations on some items/issues you have raised.
bullies and bullying - bullying is in and of its nature and self-esteem and empowerment issue. those lacking self-esteem bully; they take, or reduce others around them to subservience in order to elevate themselves as they are not equipped to compete in any other way. competition, or perceived competitive behaviour generates bullying. everything is reduced to the lowest common denominator. power is not empowerment. there are two words in French both with the same translation but meaning different things: pouvoir and puissance. one is power, derived from false empowerment, and external factors, one is empowerment derived from an intrinsic and latent factor. it can be argued therefore that bullies exercise pouvoir; by obtaining that which they need from others around them and the associated persons supporting them. those who are bullied possess puissance; that which others perceive as being challenging, different, a threat, envied, misunderstood, true power, self-esteem, self-worth, potential, kindness, gentleness, humour... the list goes on... invariably a bully will have a support system, as it cannot exist on its own or stand apart because it is too afraid, it attacks that which it hates in itself and perceives as its own weakness; its own misunderstanding, fear, or self-hatred is projected outwards onto its environment and those around it, and it requires constant reassurance and validation by others around it in order to maintain and derive its worth. it values nothing because it cannot bring itself to be what it perceives as weak or displaying weakness which is: INDIVIDUALITY and SELF-DEFINITION.
abuse (verbal, psychological, emotional, physical) - this is the next level of bullying. this is what occurs either in tandem or subsequent to bullying or sustained bullying. the bully becomes an abuser OR if the bullied person is no longer in geographical contact with the bully, the bully and their effects become internalised. the bullied then becomes its own abuser/bully and experiences negative reinforcements eg. voices, etc. anger, and irrational moods are the result of the psyche attempting to battle the /irrational/ bully. often any intrusive voices the bullied experiences will be in the voice of the abuser/bully because anything which is said is: EXPECTED. the bullied person is in a state of /conditioning/ to expect: guilt, punishment, pain. also the voices can evolve into what is known as the SUPEREGO, or become a distortion of the superego, that voice which constantly overshadows, undermines, overrules or otherwise is an unrelenting abusive dialogue that intrudes, oppresses, demoralises and re-enforces negative perceptions of self, takes away self-worth when any attempt is made to effect things eg. telling oneself one is a good person etc. ... the result of the distorted self-image is the superego subordinating the true and truthful ego of the bullied person. only resolution of ptsd events can eradicate the abusive superego. only removing oneself from the abusive person's influence can solve the abuse cycle.
grief: all ptsd events, tree, jenga-game, and lifeline strategies, if undertaken, will result in grief and experiences of grief at some stage. resolution of /why/ events occurred brings with it understanding, insight and ultimately grief. grief is a healthy natural process. only by letting go, can resolution be achieved. loss, and the effects of loss, create anger on behalf of the self and the injustices one has been subject to. the realisation that much of what has been experienced is not one's fault brings grief and grieving for self is a healthy and natural process. it is ultimately one of healing, as where previously one has lived a life of oppression, suppression and subordination to false ideas and identity, one begins to live a life of expansion. grief is painful, and at times has physical side-effects such as chronic fatigue, weeping, breathing difficulties (upper chest panic attack similarities), loss of appetite etc.
breaking down the jenga-game, pruning off the branch, setting the timeline straight will ultimately mean the death of the old self in some way, therefore grief and grieving for the loss, even of that child self, will logically occur.
i outline all of the above for information purposes only.
(thank you Deepthought, yet again you are my Bertrand Russell)